Marwood quotes from Withnail and I (1987)

Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy of our own future.

Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing. Then all at once those frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores.

Danny's here. Headhunter to his friends. Headhunter to everyone. He doesn't have any friends. The only people he converses with are his clients, and occasionally the police. The purveyor of rare herbs and proscribed chemicals is back. Will we never be set free?

I could hardly piss straight with fear. Here was a man with 3/4 of an inch of brain who'd taken a dislike to me. What had I done to offend him? I don't consciously offend big men like this. And this one has a definite imbalance of hormone in him. Get any more masculine than him and you'd have to live up a tree.

"I **** arses"? Who ****s arses? Maybe he ****s arses! Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity! I'm in considerable danger here, I must get out of here at once.

It's got dreadful beady eyes, they stare at you. Best kill it quick before it tries to make friends with us.

We are not drunks, we are multi-millionaires!

You're full of Scotch you silly tool.

Jesus Christ! Why have you drugged their onions?!

My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! My heart's beating like a **** clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful.

Withnail [reading from the paper]: "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the ****er!

Please, I don't feel good.

Withnail

That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."

Withnail

You've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good-looking. I tell you, I've a **** sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?

Well, I don't know. It'll happen.

Withnail

Will it? That's what you say. The only programme I'm likely to get on is the **** news.

You know what we should do? I say, you know what we should do?

Withnail

How should I possibly know what we should do? What should we do?

Get out of it for a while. Get into the countryside. Rejuvenate.

Withnail

Rejuvenate! What good's the countryside? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead.

What happened to your cigar commercial?

Withnail

What happened to my cigar commercial? That's what I want to know. What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.

I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

Withnail

Why not?

Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that. That's worse than meths.

Withnail

Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

If my father was loaded, I'd ask him for some money.

Withnail

If your father was my father, you wouldn't get it.

What about what's-his-name?

Withnail

What about him?

Why don't you give him a call?

Withnail

What for?

Ask him about his house.

Withnail

You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?

Why not?

Withnail

All right. What's his number?

I've no idea - I've never met him.

Withnail

Well, neither have I. What the **** are you talking about?

Danny

Has he just been busted?

No.

Danny

Then why's he wearing that old suit?

Withnail

Old suit! This suit was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your **** appendix doesn't mean anything.

Danny

Don't get uptight with me, man. Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.

Withnail

Scrubbers!

Up yours, granddad!

Withnail

Scrubbers! Scrubbers!

Shut up.

Withnail

Little tarts. They love it.

Withnail

You mean we've come out here in the middle of **** nowhere without aspirins?

Where are we?

Withnail

How should I know where we are? I feel like a pig shat in my head.

What do you want?

I'm a friend of Montague Withnail. He's lent us his cottage. I wondered if you could sell us some food. Eggs and things.

What about wood and coal?

I'm not from London, you know.

I don't care where you come from!

Not the attitude I'd been given to expect from the H. E. Bates novel I'd read. I thought they'd all be out the back drinking cider and discussing butter. Clearly a myth. Evidently country people are no more receptive to strangers than city dwellers.

You never discuss your family, do you?

Withnail

I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.

Why?

Withnail

I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.

Then they must be delighted with your career.

Withnail

Are you the farmer? [To Marwood] Shut up, I'll deal with this. [To Parkin] We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?

Stop saying that, Withnail. Of course he's the **** farmer.

Withnail

Grab it's ring! Keep your bag up, I'll find it.

Hey! Show no fear! Just run at it!

Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!

Well, he's randy!

Yes, yeah! I know he is!

Withnail

Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.

Shut up, Withnail!

Run at it, shouting!

Withnail

Do as he says, start shouting.

Withnail

He won't gore you.

A coward, you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls, you are not!

Withnail

Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon.

There's black pudding in it.

Withnail

Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!

There's the supper!

Withnail

What are we supposed to do with that?

Eat it.

Withnail

Eat it!? ****er's alive.

The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Telephone the police; tell them there're a couple of drunks in the Penrith tea rooms and we want them removed

Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multi-millionaries. We'll buy this place and fire you immediately.

Withnail

Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a **** jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit.

Monty

Laissez-moi respirer longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux! Ah, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford.Oh, Oxford.

Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman, who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.

Danny

The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins. It is called a Camberwell carrot.

It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.

Danny

It is impossible to roll a Camberwell carrot with anything less.

Withnail

Who says it's a Camberwell carrot?

Danny

I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot.

Withnail

You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?

Coffee.

Withnail

Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?

Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

Withnail

Hold on. Don't let your imagination run away with you.

Imagination? I just finished fighting off a naked man!

What's going on?

Withnail

I'm making time.

Are you out of your mind? You haven't got a license.

Withnail

No, I'm making time.

I've got your saveloy. Here, I don't want it.

Withnail

Then stick it in the soap tray and save it for later.

Don't vent your spleen on me. I'm in the same boat.

Withnail

Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're in that I've been in is this **** bath!

Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing. You haven't slept in sixty hours you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.

Withnail

This is the morning. Stand aside!

You don't understand. I think there may be something alive.

Withnail

What do you mean? A rat?

It's possible, it's possible.

Withnail

Then the ****er will rue the day! Oh Christ Almighty. Synous nicotine based. Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here.

I told you. you've been bitten!

Withnail

Burnt, burnt! The **** kettle's on fire.

There's something floating up.

Withnail

Fork it!

No, no, no. I don't want to touch it.

Withnail

You must, you must. The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll never be able to use the dinner service again.

Wake up, you bastard! Wake up! Oi! Wake up, you bastard! You gotta get wood.

Withnail

Jesus! You're covered in shit.

I tried to get the fuel and wood. There's a miserable little pensioner down there. She wouldn't give it to me.

Withnail

Where are we gonna get it, then?

There's a man on the mountain. Why he's up there, **** knows. But he's up there with a leg in polythene. You can't miss him. He's your man. And have another look in that shed. Find anything. If you can't find anything, bring in the shed.

Where is [Monty]?

Withnail

Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.

Suits me. He can eat his **** radish.

Withnail

Have you been at the controls?

What are you talking about?

Withnail

The thermostats! What have you done to them?

I haven't touched them.

Withnail

Then why has my head gone numb? I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!

Withnail

Where is he? I'm utterly arseholed.

We're early. We want to get in there, don't we? Eat some cake. Soak up the booze.

Withnail

Have you got soup? Why don't I get any soup?

Coffee.

Withnail

Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?

Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

Withnail

How dare you! How dare you! How dare you call me inhumane?!

I didn't call you inhumane. You merely imagined it. Calm down.

Withnail

Right you ****er, I'm going to do the washing up!

No, you can't, it's impossible. I swear to you, I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there - there's a teabag growing! You haven't slept in 60 hours, you're in no shape to tackle it. Wait till the morning and we'll go in together.

Withnail

This is the morning. Stand aside!

No, you don't understand! I think there may be something living in there.

Withnail

What do you mean, a rat?

It's possible, it's possible.

Withnail

Then the ****er will rue the day!

Withnail

'Scuse me. We were wondering if we could possibly purchase a pheasant off of you.

Jake

No. I've got nothing to sell.

Withnail

Come on, old boy. What's in your hump?

Jake

Now look, you. These pheasants are for my pot. These eels here are for his pot. What makes you possibly think I've got anything for your pot?

Withnail

What pot?

The cooking pot.

Withnail, you bastard, wake up. Wake up, you bastard or I burn this bastard bed down!

Withnail

I deny all accusations. What do you want?

I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering. And I've come in here with the express intention of wishing one on you! Having said that, I now intend to leave for London.

Withnail

Hold on, don't let your imagination run away with you...

Imagination! I have just finished fighting a naked man! How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader?!

Withnail

Tactical necessity. If I hadn't told him you were active we'd never have got the cottage.

I'd never have wanted it, not with him in it!

Withnail

I never thought he'd come all this way.

Monty? He'd go to New York!

Withnail

Calculated risk.

What is all this "tactical necessity" and "calculated risk?!" This is me, naked in a corner! And how dare you tell him I love you?! And how dare you tell him you rejected me?! How dare you tell him that?!

Withnail

Sorry about that. Got a bit carried away. Sort of said it without thinking.

Well let me tell you something, Withnail. If he comes into my room again, it's murder, and you'll be held responsible in law!