Mmm. I love this burger. So delicious. Mm. One of the best burgers I've ever had. In my universe, this place closed six years ago. Mm. I don't know why. I really don't. Mm! You have money, right? I'm not very liquid right now.
You gonna eat that? I'm listening.
The other Peter said he was gonna be showing me the ropes.
You got any Spider-Man tips you can tell me now?
Yeah, I got plenty. Disinfect the mask. You're gonna wanna use baby powder in the suit, heavy on the joints. You don't want any chafing, right?
Nope, that was everything.
I think you're gonna be a bad teacher.
Uh-uh-uh. Look up where Alchemax is.
"A private technological campus in Hudson Valley, New York." You can teach me to swing on the way there. Fwsh,fwsh!
[Chuckles]
I'm not swinging to the Hudson Valley, Miles. Not after a hearty burger breakfast. Keep your legs fresh. You're gonna thank me later.
Oh. This'd be a good time to turn invisible.
Okay, not gonna turn invisible. Selecting a bagel. Act super normal.
S1 Scientist #1
Spider-Man?
You know, that's funny, – I get that a lot.
S2 Scientist #2
Spider-Man?
S3 Scientist #3
Hey! Hands up!
Now we do a switchy-switchy.
S3 Scientist #3
Get back here!
S4 Scientist #4
Where do you think you're going?
S5 Scientist #5
He took a bagel!
Time to swing, just like I taught ya.
When did you teach me that?
I didn't. It's a little joke for team-building.
Of course I'm not ready! I can't do this yet!
Everybody knows that the best way to learn is under intense life-threatening pressure.
Come on, come on, come on. Uh-oh.
What are you doing down there?
I run better than I swing.
You gotta swing or they'll catch you. This is what you wanted. Uh-oh.
OO Dr. Olivia Octavius / Doctor Octopus
Come back, little boy.
Aim with your hips! Look where you want it to hit. Square your shoulders. Don't forget to follow through! Don't shoot off your back foot.
Then stop listening to me!
That's the best idea you've had all day!
Nice, Miles! Good. You're doin' it. Double tap to release and thwip it out again. Thwip and release. – And thwip. Release. Thwip.
MA Miles and Peter B.
Thwip. Release.
MA Miles and Peter B.
Thwip. And release!
I gotta say, you're amazing, man.
We're a little team! Me as the teacher who could still do it. You as the student who can do it, just not as good. I'm proud of us. Is there something you want to say to me?
What the–? – Who did that?
G Gwanda
It's Gwen, actually.
Oh, you know her. Very cool.
I'm from another dimension. I mean, another-another dimension. All right, people. Let's start at the beginning one last time. My name is Gwen Stacy. I was bitten by a radioactive spider. And for the last two years, I've been the one and only Spider-Woman. You guys know the rest. I joined a band. Saved my dad. I couldn't save my best friend, Peter Parker, so now I save everyone else. And I don't do friends anymore, just to avoid any distractions. And one day this weird thing happened. And I mean, like, really weird. I was blown into last week. Literally. I landed in New York, but not my New York. Lucky for these folks, Spider-Man was there to save the day. My Spider-sense told me to head to Visions Academy. Wasn't sure why until – I met you.
(nervously)
I like your haircut.
You don't get to like my haircut. Let's go.
How many more Spider-people are there?
We should probably go. (Somewhere in Queens…)
Peter, we're literally on the doorstep.
Bad idea. This is a bad idea.
Aunt May You guys are all very sweet, but no more fans today, please.
Aunt May Peter?
Hey, Aunt May. So this is gonna sound crazy, but I'm pretty sure that I'm from an…
Aunt May An alternate dimension.
Aunt May You look tired, Peter.
Aunt May And older. And thicker.
Yeah. I've heard that already.
Aunt May Oh, jeez. Are those sweatpants?
Yup, that's what they are.
I was there, when it all happened. I am so sorry.
Aunt May And what dimension are you from?
Brooklyn. Did Peter have a place where we could make another one of these?
Aunt May A goober. Follow me.
Oh, yeah, I got one of these, too. A little, old shed where I keep my Spider-gear. (May unlocks the door, opening the elevator.) I mean, this place is pretentious.
(In the subfloor it revealed to be the Spider-Cave.)
Whoa. Dude. Was yours anything like this?
Mine was like this, but take away the jeep, the plane. Imagine it way smaller. Imagine a futon. I feel sad for this guy.
Hey, Peter. I think this is a cape.
What was that? Kid electrocuted me– with his hands. [Spider-Man tingling] You're like me.
[Peter B. struggles to break free]
Why do you look like Peter Parker?
Because I am Peter Parker.
Then why aren't you dead? And why is your hair different? Why are you older? And why is your body– a different shape?
Pretty sure you just called me fat.
You don't look so hot either, kid. Most superheroes don't wear their own merch.
Are you from another dimension? Like a parallel universe where things are like this universe but different? And you're Spider-Man in that universe? But somehow traveled to this universe, but you don't know how?
Wow. That was really just a guess?
Well– we learned about it in physics.
This is amazing! You can teach me like Peter said he would.
Look, I made a promise to him.
Here's lesson number one, kid. Don't watch the mouth. Watch the hands.
Peter, seriously– [Thwips Miles' mouth shut]
Trust me, kid. This'll all make you a better Spider-Man. [Yells as he starts to glitch]
What's going on with your body?
I don't think my atoms are real jazzed about being in the wrong dimension. [Glitches] [Peter B. groans] Look, I'm not looking for a side gig as a Spider-Man coach. I got a lot going on in my dimension. Like a lot–
"With great power comes great–"
Don't you dare finish that sentence. Don't do it! I'm sick of it. [Glitches] Want my advice? Go back to being a regular kid.
I don't have a choice! Kingpin's got a supercollider. He's tryin' to kill me.
Wait a second. What did you just say?
Kingpin's tryin' to kill me.
Who cares about that. Where's the collider?
Brooklyn. Under Fisk Tower.
When it runs again, I'll jump in and get back to my life.
You can't let them run it. I'm supposed to destroy it so it never runs again or everyone's gonna die.
"Or everyone's gonna die." That is what they always say. But there's always a little bit of time before everybody dies– and that's when I do my best work.
Aren't you gonna need this?
Aw, you have a goober. Give it.
Whoa, whoa. Wait, no. Not so fast. He called it an override key.
There's always a bypass key, a virus key, a who-cares key. I can never remember, so I always call it a goober. Give it.
I need it to destroy the collider.
No or I'll swallow it. Don't play with me.
I said– [Thwip the goober out of his mouth] Hey!
The collider created a portal that brought me here. And I have to get– Did you break this?
No, it broke. I don't remember what happened.
See, this is why I never had kids. This is why I never did kids.
Can't we make another one?
No. We can't do anything. Thanks to you, I have to re-steal what your guy stole from Alchemax… and make another one of these.
If I don't turn off the collider after you leave– everyone in this city, my parents, my uncle and millions of others, will die. And you're just gonna go home and leave me here to figure this out for myself? You good with that, Spider-Man?
Yeah. [Miles sighs] What are you doing?
Making you feel guilty. Is it working?
How could it–? No. No. Look at me. Does it look like it's working? No. No, it's not– [chuckles] Ahh! No! No! No,no,no! Do not let him win! All right, kid. You win. Come on, we don't have a second to lose.
[first lines]
Peter Parker / Spider-Man [narrating]: Alright, let's do this one last time. My name is Peter Parker. I was bitten by radioactive spider. And for ten years, I've been the one– and only– Spider-Man. I’m pretty sure you know the rest.
BP Ben Parker
With great power, comes great responsibility.
Peter Parker [narrating]: I saved a bunch of people, fell in love, saved the city. And then I saved the city again. And again and again and again. And I did, uh– I did this. [cuts to Peter doing the infamous dance from Spider-Man 3, except this time in his Spider-Man outfit] We don’t really talk about this. Look, I'm a comic book. I'm a cereal. Did a Christmas album. I have an excellent theme song.
TS TV show
Spider-Man, Spider-Man–
Peter Parker [narrating]: And a so-so popsicle. I mean, I've looked worse. But after everything... AH! [narrating] –I still love being Spider-Man. I mean, who wouldn't? So no matter how many hits I take– I always find a way to come back. Because the only thing standing between this city and oblivion– is me. There's only one Spider-Man. And you're looking at him.
L Lyla
[Post-credit scene – a caption reads "Meanwhile, in Nueva York..." and a hologram woman appears in a darkly-lit spacious hallway]
You're a bit late.
MO Miguel O'Hara / Spider-Man 2099
[offscreen]
We can't all be everywhere at once.
L Lyla
A little text might have been nice.
MO Miguel O'Hara
I was gone for less than two hours. What happened?
L Lyla
Okay, okay, okay. I know what it looks like, but– here's the good news.
L Lyla
The multiverse didn't collapse.
L Lyla
A little touch and go. But it worked out.
OH O'Hara
Great story. Hey, did you finish the goober?
L Lyla
It's not a goober. It's a gizmo.
OH O'Hara
Do you always have to call me out? It's just really frustrating and it bums me out.
L Lyla
Don't get too excited, Miguel. It's just a prototype.
OH O'Hara
Not excited. [the watch attaches itself to his wrist] Ow!
L Lyla
But you could be the first person to make an autonomous multiverse jump, or the last.
OH O'Hara
Okay, so we're just– gonna roll the dice on this?
L Lyla
So what do you say, pal? Where do you want to go first?
2 2099
Let's start at the beginning, one last time. Earth-67. [jumps into Earth-67]
2 2099
I'm Spider-Man. I need you to come with me.
1 1967
[pointing at Miguel]
Who the heck are you?
2 2099
[pointing back]
I–I just told you. Now listen, listen. I'm from the future.
1 1967
[pointing back]
How dare you point at me!
2 2099
[pointing back]
You–you were pointing first.
1 1967
It's rude to point.
2 2099
You're being very rude! You're not even believing what I'm saying! You're saying I'm not who I say I am!
PO Police officer
[scene focuses on J. Jonah Jameson and a NYPD officer]
Which one pointed first?
JJ J. Jonah Jameson
Spider-Man pointed first. Obviously!
[continuing to point at each other]
2 2099
You're pointing at me right now as you say that! Look at you! Look at your finger! Look at your finger right now!
1 1967
I'm not pointing, you're pointing. I'm just pointing out your pointing. Which is different from normal pointing.
2 2099
What is it doing?! You are pointing...
1 1967
You haven't seen pointing until I'm through with you, and then you'll know–
2 2099
YOU'RE accusing ME of pointing when you're–!!
[scene cuts suddenly to a title card reading "THE END"]
[narrating]
Alright, people, let’s do this one last time. My name is Peter B. Parker. I was bitten by a radioactive spider. And for the last 22 years– I thought I was the one and only Spider-Man. What a day. [narrating] I'm pretty sure you know the rest. You see, I saved the city, fell in love, I got married– saved the city some more, maybe too much. My marriage got testy, made some dicey money choices. Don’t invest in a spider-themed restaurant. Then like 15 years passed. Blah, blah, blah. Super boring. I broke my back, a drone flew into my face, I buried Aunt May. My wife and I– split up. But I handled it like a champion. [crying in the shower] 'Cause, you know what, no matter how many times I get hit, I always get back up. And I got a lot of time to reflect and work on myself. Did you know that seahorses, that they mate for life? Could you imagine? A seahorse seeing another seahorse– and then making it work? [line ringing as he trys to call MJ] She wanted kids and– And it scared me. [Hangs up] I'm pretty sure I broke her heart. Flash-forward: I'm in my apartment doing push-ups– doing ab crunches, getting strong– when this weird thing happened. And I gotta say, weird things happen to me a lot. But this was real weird. [Yells as he getting sucked into the wormhole] [screaming as he's heralding downtown] [Grunting as he hits everything] Ow! [narrating] You see, I was in New York, but the things were different. Also, I was dead. And blonde. I was kind of perfect. It was like looking in a mirror. (Well, in a– different way.) I have a feeling that the thing that brought me here was the thing that got him killed. You wanna know what happened next? Me too.
