Stephanie Smothers quotes from A Simple Favor (2018)

Stephanie Smothers

Hi moms, Stephanie here. Today, as promised, I am going to share my zucchini chocolate chip cookie recipe. But first, many of you have asked me for an update on the Emily situation. And for those of you who are new to my vlog, you should know my best friend Emily is missing right now. She asked me a simple favor, to pick up her son Nicky from school, which was five days ago, and she hasn't come back yet, so I'm sorry. We're all really worried, and I'm doing everything I can to help the police track her down. But I'm realizing I don't know her as well as I thought I did. It's like my mom used to say, God rest her soul, um, "Secrets are like margarine, easy to spread, bad for the heart". But as different as we are, I do consider Emily my best friend. She is this wonderful, elegant person. And our sons brought us together, actually. Well, you know, for our new friends, I'll just started from the beginning. I met Emily a few weeks ago at school. It was international cuisine day in my son's first grade class, and once again, I drew Sweden, which meant my famous meatless meatballs.

Stephanie Smothers

Hi moms. Stephanie here. I'm going to do something a little different today. I normally avoid any talk of religion on the vlog. I don't want to offend any non-denominational moms, but I do think that we live on after we die. So, Emily, if you are out there, and you can hear me right now, no one could ever replace you. And you'll always be Nicky's mom. I can't take your place. I can just try to love the people that you love and try to make their lives better. I think that's what you would want.

Emily

Did you just take my picture?

Stephanie

I'm yearbook mom.

Emily

Did I ask you to take my picture? Erase it.

Stephanie

Oh, you look really chic. It's just for Faces and Places. Just for the other parents.

Emily

Erase it or I'll slap a **** injunction on your yearbook. Do you understand?

Stephanie

Yeah. Okay. [Deletes the picture] Yeah, it's gone. Whoa. Bye bye.

Emily

Don't do that again.

Stephanie

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Or I didn't mean to offend you. Um, I'm sure that stuff's really sensitive in your industry.

Emily

Oh, no. It's all good.

Stephanie

I'm probably not the kind of person that you're normally friends with.

Emily

Oh, you do not want to be friends with me. Trust me.

Stephanie

It's my fault. I'm the reason they're both dead.

Emily

No. Hey, don't do that. People, people do terrible things for their own **** up reasons. That's on them, not on you.

Stephanie

Yeah. I miss him.

Emily

Which one?

Stephanie

Both. I'm lonely. I think loneliness probably kills more people than cancer.

Stephanie

Here. I made that for you.

Emily

You made this for me?

Stephanie

Thought it would go with that pinstriped suit you have.

Emily

Really? That's nice. No one does stuff like this for me.

Stephanie

I used to watch those Bewitched reruns on TV Land, and I always thought it was so classy when Darren would come from work and Samantha would fix him a martini. So every time we do this, I feel so high-tone.

Emily

My God, you're such a nerd.

Emily

You are so nice. I have no idea how you've survived this long.

Stephanie

I'm not as nice as you think, so.

Emily

Are you baiting me?

Stephanie

No! I'm just saying, everybody has a dark side.

Emily

Mm-hmm.

Stephanie

Some of us are better at hiding at it than others.

Emily

Want to trade confessions?

Stephanie

No, no. No.

Emily

Come on, what's the wildest thing you've ever done?

Stephanie

Oh, I... no, I don't know. I shouldn't. You go first.

Emily

Okay, um, a few months ago, Sean and I had his TA over dinner and drinks, and a threesome.

Stephanie

Was Sean jealous of him?

Emily

Did I say it was a him?

Stephanie

That's very cool, sis. Very cool.

Sean

I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of pretending. I want to be this man. The man I am with you.

Stephanie

I don't do threesomes.

Are you a mother?

Stephanie

Yes. I love every minute of it.

Aww. Then you must have brain damage.

Okay. What do you know about her? How did she die?

Stephanie

In the lake, on heroin.

Well, you don't believe that, or you wouldn't be here.

Stephanie

She didn't ever mention Michigan, did she?

That is the only thing that she ever left here. She said she had it since she was a kid. I warn you, you go poking around in her past, you're going to find some shit that is terrifying. She was not a normal person like you or me.

She never let me paint her face except for this one. I've never seen such a beautiful girl want to be so invisible or just completely vanish. But you know what, it takes money to vanish, and so she took everything that she could from me. You know how I would paint you? Beautific. Like, like a **** saint.

Stephanie

I get that a lot.

You should embrace it. People love saints.

Stephanie

Yeah, after they're dead.

Sean

What did you guys get up to today at school?

I saw my mom.

Sean

Um, I understand, Nicky, that sometimes we think we see people that we miss even if they're gone.

No, I saw her. She was right outside the fence by the kickball yard at recess.

Sean

Well, lots of people look like someone else.

Nobody looks like mom! She told me to say hi to Stephanie.

Sean

Nicky, this is unhealthy.

Miles saw her too, right Miles?

I think I did. But I don't know. I was playing tetherball.

Stephanie

Did you two hatch this up? Is this a game, like when you smash everything with trucks? Because you know what we say about lying.

I'm not lying! I saw her! **** you!

Sean

Hey, Nicky!

Oopsy.

Stephanie

You used me. [to Emily] You used me too. [to Sean] But you had me making you dinner, watching your kid, sucking your dick.

Sean

I had no idea that she was still alive!

Stephanie

Stop lying.

Emily

Okay, you guys. I think we should just sit down and talk this out.

Sean

Emily, you sit down. You hated Stephanie. You used to watch her vlog and rip her apart.

Stephanie

All I wanted was to be your friend.

Emily

You were. And then you **** my husband and my insurance plan.

Sean

Don't blame her! This is so typical of you!

Emily

Sean, I was just trying to get us out of crushing **** debt.

Sean

Yeah, maybe if you had the good sense to give me a call, I could've helped you with this little plot of yours.

Emily

Oh, please, you haven't come up with a decent plot in ten years.

Sean

Really? Right now?

Stephanie

Can I say something, as the lady with the gun? Nicky deserves better than both of you.

Emily

**** you! I love my kid.

Sean

Shut up!

Stephanie

Emily! Emily, stop! Emily, you can't outrun this! Don't do this to Nicky! Come on, you're still his mom!

Emily

Yeah, I am. But you sure as shit won't be.

America's hybrids. Silent, but deadly.