Tom Gee, I wonder why I spend every waking moment of my life operating a crane... God, I hate my job. [starts playing with a crane machine]
Played by Craig Bierko 
Scary Movie 4 (2006) · 42 quotes
Scary Movie 4 (2006) · 42 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Scary Movie 4 (2006): in 9 of its 42 quotes
A line from TomAll I've got is my kids, and my car. They mean the world to me. [slams Rachel's head in car door.]
More lines from Tom
2 quotes Tom Tom [After finding Michael Jackson with a group of children]
Run away, kids! Run towards the Tri-pods if you have to!
Scenes with Tom
6 scenes Tom Get in the car, Marvin, or you're gonna die!
Marvin Okay...(reaches for handle but the door is locked. looks at Tom)
Tom Well, wait while I...(tries to unlock door but Marvin pulls handle at the same time. This happens a few times.) Don't do that.
RED SUS: i killed red blue and white and then vented and btw yellow is sus
Tom Okay, on the count of three. One! Two! Three! (Tom unlocks door but again Marvin pulls handle) Why would you do that? Why would you go at the same time I do? That's what all this is about!!
Marvin Hey, you said go on three.
Tom What the ****?
Marvin Wait, your three, or my three?
Tom There's only one three! You go on four!
Marvin So, now I gotta go on four? You're makin' the black man wait for you?!
Tom Just go on four! One...
Marvin No. No one. I'm out. I'll take the next one, that okay with you. (backs away)
Tom Sheesh...attitude. (puts car in drive and leaves)
Marvin For real...I'd rather be dead. (gets zapped by Tri-pod.)
Oliver We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.
Tom Ryan Kikkoman. That's...that's a soy sauce.
Oliver Right, yeah. Low sodium.
Tom Ryan Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feelin' like a zombie!
C. J. Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.
Mahalik Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?
C. J. Yeah.
Mahalik She told me that she heard a zombie goin' through her trash the other day. The next mornin', she turned up missin'!
Tom Ryan Uh...
C. J. (C.J. interrupts)
What?! Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?
Mahalik 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!
Tom Ryan Guys, I'm trying to ask...
C. J. (interrupts again)
So you tellin' me that you can appear and disappear at the same time?
Mahalik No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!
Tom Ryan Uh, guys...
C. J. (interrupts a third time)
Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missin'. And when you're missin', you never turn up.
Mahalik Unless... you a zombie.
C. J. Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.
Mahalik I'm-a gonna put that on Myspace!
C. J. You do that!
Marilyn (as Tom pulls up in his car)
Late again, Tom.
Tom Ryan Hey, Marilyn.
Marilyn I thought you were moving.
Tom Ryan Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.
Marilyn No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."
It looks like we have a lot in...
Tom Ryan ...common.
We're already finishing each other's...
Tom Ryan ...dinner!
Robbie Dad, talk to me! What's happening?
Tom Ryan There's no time to explain! (a man runs past the window, screaming)
Random Guy
Alien attack!
Tom Ryan Well, actually, that about sums it up.
