[By now, Colonel and Sergeant Tibbs arrive at the gates to Hell Hall. Colonel peers through the iron bars of the gates]
They say the ol' place is haunted, or bewitched, or some such fiddle-faddle.
Fiddle-faddle and rot, sir. [looks at the exterior of Hell Hall]
Just the same, Sergeant, use extreme caution. No telling what sort of hocus pocus you might run in to. Well, blast it all, Tibbs! On the double, man! On the double!
[salutes Colonel]
Yes, sir. Righto, sir. Right away, sir. [leaps off Colonel's back and scampers up a tree branch, finally reaches the windowsill, which crumbles in some parts, wipes his paw on the glass to get a good visual of the hall, sees a large, dark, gloomy foyer, complete with a tall, winding staircase, a plated armor statue with an axe in its hand, and a glowing crack through the wall, opens the window, giving off a creaking sound, then lands on the floor and makes it to the crack, checks if the coast is clear and squeezes himself inside the living room, where he comes upon a yawning dalmatian puppy without a collar] Psst! Rover! Spotty!
ST Sergeant Tips
Are you one of the 15 stolen puppies?
We're not stolen. We're bought and paid for. There's 99 of us all together.
ST Sergeant Tips
99?! [sees a vast sea of dalmatian puppies sleeping across the living room floor]
S Spotty
How 'bout that bunch of little ones? They have names and collars. They're not from the pet shops.
ST Sergeant Tips
15 of them?
We never counted them. They're over there by the TV.
[the 15 dalmatian puppies that were stolen are watching the Silly Symphony short, "Springtime", on TV] [creeps over to the couch to count the puppies]
Then, I'd better count 'em.
S Spotty
Watch out for the Baduns.
Those two blokes, Horace and Jasper. They're mean ones, they are.
[They're seen without their coats on, Horace helps himself to a pair of sandwiches, and Jasper guzzles down on some wine. As Tibbs climbs on a box behind the couch to count the fifteen puppies, Lucky ducks his head down as the center flower dances up close to the screen]
Ey, look, Horace! Watch me pot 'Is Lordship smack on the conk! [throws a dart that lands on a dartboard, laughs evilly] How's that for callin' 'em, eh? [laughs evilly, swats Horace in the belly, and Horace irritatedly looks at him]
ST Sergeant Tips
[counting]
1... 2... 3, 4, 5, 6...
Hey, Jasper! [impolitely eats with his mouth full of food] Come on now. Give us a swig, just a short one.
Now, Horace, this here hogwash ain't fit for a fancy bloke like yourself. Besides, you'd get crumbs in it, you cabbage head! [sets the wine bottle down next to Tibbs]
All right. Guzzle the whole works, and I hope it gives you collywobbles, that's what. [take his first bite and notices his toppings are gone] Hey, Jasper, did you...
[rudely ignores his brother and dumps a bunch of cigar ashes on the bread slices]
ST Sergeant Tips
[counting]
Let me see... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11...
[angrily pushes Lucky down from the TV set]
Hey! Get down, you little runt, and stay down!
[angrily barks at Horace for messing with his brother]
[angrily threatens Patch]
Go on! Get out of here, or I'll... I'll black your other peeper.
Where was I? 9... 9... three more. 12 and... 1, 2, 3. That's 15! They're the ones!
[accidentally grabs Sergeant Tibbs and drinks him which causes him to screech in alarm and run off with fright, sputtering with cat germs and gets it off his tongue]
Blimey! What the... [notices Tibbs bounding away as the puppies bark in surprise] Hey, Horace, look what we got! A tabby cat!
[bounds across a grand piano, knocking down the support arm for the cover, which squashes Horace inside the piano]
PT Patch, Two-Tone, Lucky, Dipstick, Jewel, Fidget and Whizzer
[continue barking]
Jasper [armed with a bunch of darts in his hands, laughs evilly]
How'd you like a tabby cat stew? [violently throws the darts to kill Tibbs squirming against the wall and cruelly raises an empty wine bottle to aim at Tibbs running away from the living room] Or a cat casserole? [laughs evilly] A la MODE! [angrily throws the wine bottle at Tibbs, but misses him as Tibbs squeezes back through the crack and The wine bottle shatters in pieces]
[Meanwhile, back at Smedley Farm, Sgt. Tibbs, and Colonel sit outside on a horse-drawn wagon as theywait patiently and perk up their ears for the barking chain] [sticks his head out to ask his superior a question]
Any news, Colonel?
Not a blasted thing. They're lost or captured, or something, or other. Who knows what.
[sees Cruella's car driving down the road]
Colonel, sir, Colonel! Here she comes a car.
Oh, come now, Tibs. Don't be ridiculous. They wouldn't be driving.
Yes, I know, sir. But it's heading for Hell Hall. It... It's stopping at the gate!
It is? Blast it all, Tibbs! Better see what's up. On the double, man. On the double!
Yes, sir. [jumps on Colonel's back as they head for the de Vil mansion]
[respectfully wishes Colonel and Tips a good luck]
Righto, sir.
Q Quizmaster
I'm sorry, Mr. Simpkins. The answer is no. No, no, no, no. Six down, four to go.
IG Inspector Graves
Ah, was this a single item or a number of things?
Q Quizmaster
[Horace plugs his ears, and Jasper raises the volume on the TV set]
It must be a yes or no question, Inspector.
[An angry Cruella de Vil catches Jasper and Horace watching television]
I've got no time to argue. I tell you it's got to be done tonight. [turns off the TV] Do you understand?! Tonight!
But they ain't big enough.
You couldn't get half a dozen coats out of the whole kaboodle.
[spying]
Dog-skin Coats?! Dog-skin coats?!
Then we'll settle for half a dozen! We can't wait! The police are everywhere. I want the job done tonight!
Any way you like. Poison them, drown them, bash them in the head! You got any chloroform?
[violently bonks Horace on the head with his wine-bottle]
"Eye-ther"!
I don't care how you kill the little beasts, but DO IT! AND DO IT NOW!
Aw, please, miss. Now have pity, will ya? Can't we see the rest of the show first?
We want to see "What's My Crime?"
[Jasper he starts to drink from his bottle, but throw Cruella de Vil furiously snatches it and angrily she throws it into the fireplace, an explosion. The puppies hide behind the furniture in fear.] [She angrily hits Jasper and Horace's slaps faces]
Now listen, you idiots! I'll be back first thing in the morning! And the job better be done and I'll... I'll... I'll call the police!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!! [She slams the door closes behind her in a fit of rage; the slam causes a chunk of the ceiling to come loose and fall on Horace's head]
I think she means it, Jasper.
Ah...we'll get on with it as soon as the show's over. [turns the TV back on]
Q Quizmaster
Will you please sign in, sir?
[A contestant signs his name on a chalkboard on the screen, just as Sgt. Tibbs meets up with the puppies]
Hey, kids. You'd better get out of here if you want to save your skins.
DP Dalmatian Puppy 1
But, how?
Shh. There's a hole in the wall there by the door. [points to the hole in the wall right by the door] C'mon, shake a leg. Psst. Kids, follow me.
[laughing]
Hey, Jasper, look! Ha-ha-ha-ha. It's old Meathead!
Jasper Yeah, what do you know: Old Meathead Fauncewater!
C'mon, now. Don't crowd. One at a time! One at a time!
Q Quizmaster
Now, for our last contestant this evening, panel, meet Mr. Percival Fauncewater. Now, Mr. Fauncewater, if the panel fails to guess your unusual crime in ten questions, you will receive two weeks vacation at a fashionable seaside resort, all expenses paid. That is, of course, after you've paid your debt to society.
Q Quizmaster
[Mr. Fauncewater sits in his chair next to the Quizmaster. Mr. Fauncewater's smile droops. He looks at his guard, who sternly shifts his eye at him]
Now, um, who will take the first question? Inspector?
IG Inspector Graves
Ah, Mr. Fauncewater, could your crime be classified as larceny? A theft, you know? A burglary of some sort?
[orders the puppies to line up against the wall, as more puppies sneak past the Baduns and meet up with the others, whispering]
Straighten out! Form a queue along the wall. C'mon, snap it up. Faster!
Q Quizmaster
Mr. Fauncewater is a burglar by trade, but in this case, his crime was not burglary. I'm sorry: The answer is no. One down, nine to go. Miss Birdwell?
B Miss Birdwell
If your crime wasn't robbery, wherein did you... Oh, dear, what I mean is... Do something of a violent nature, that it is..
Q Quizmaster
Oh, come, come, come, Miss Birdwell, we're running short of time.
B Miss Birdwell
Oh, yes, of course. So sorry. Did you do someone in?
Oh, blimey! [sees Lucky watching the game show with interest]
Q Quizmaster
Oh, no, Miss Birdwell, I'm sorry. The answer is no. Two down, eight to go. Mr. Simpkins?
S Mr. Simpkins
Oh, yes. Your crime was not robbery and not homicide. Well then, could it be a violation of a city ordinance of some sort?
Psst. Hey, kid, let's go. [tries grabbing Lucky's tail, but Lucky leans up to get a closer view of the screen, where Mr. Fauncewater whispers something into the Host's ear]
Q Quizmaster
I see. Uh, uh, no. The answer is no, no, no.
Hey, get out of the way, you little runt! [roughly hands Lucky to Jasper who angrily tosses him aside]
Q Quizmaster
Three down, seven to go. Inspector?
IG Inspector Graves
Oh, this is very confusing, I must say, strictly. Surely, this crime could...
Q Quizmaster
[Sgt. Tibbs catches Lucky like a forward pass, until he steps on a series of wine bottles and soup cans, which they are forced to barrel roll on. Rolly sees them coming. Sgt. Tibbs trips, tossing Lucky into the air and through the hole. Sgt. Tibbs slides to a stop by Rolly, just as the timer buzzes off, ending the game show]
I'm terribly sorry. I'm afraid we've run out of time.
[annoyed]
Aw, now, ain't that always the way!
Q Quizmaster
Would it be possible for Mr. Fauncewater to come back next week? Then, we could finish our little game. Goodnight, audience. See you next week at the same time on "What's My Crime?"
[Rolly goes through the hole] [yawning as he and Horace put on their coats]
Oh, well. C'mon, Horace. Let's get on with it. [evilly grabs a fire poker] I'll pop 'em off, you do the skinnin'.
Oh, no, you don't, Jasper! [evilly pulls off a chair leg and uses it as a club] I'll pop 'em off and you do the skinnin'.
[notices all the captured puppies are gone]
Hey, Horace, look! They're gone! They flew the coop, right out through this little hole. [pulls out a flashlight] Here, grab a torch. We'll run 'em down before you can say "Bob's your uncle".
[They leave the living room and enter the foyer, searching the area with their flashlights. As the puppies run upstairs, Rolly trips on a step and sees the two goons]
There they go, Horace, up the stairs. [creepily calls for Rolly's attention] Here, puppies. Here, puppies! C'mon. Now, don't go hiding from your ol' Uncle Jasper. Aw, I ain't gonna hurt ya.
But, I thought we was gonna pop 'em off.
[puts his hand in Horace's mouth to shut him up]
Shut up. Now, take a squint in there, and I'll check these other two rooms.
[Horace goes to explore one of the bedroom while Jasper enters another one and starts searching for them]
Here, puppies. Puppies, come on out. Come out wherever you are. [looks under the bed and is startled by Sgt. Tibbs]
Horace! [gets plowed over by the puppies] Oh! It's that mangy tabby cat! He's the ringleader! Head 'em off, Horace! Head 'em...
[Horace angrily collides into Jasper, as they both go tumbling down the stairs] [ticked off]
You bungling blockhead! [angrily punches Horace on the head]
[leads the puppies downstairs and right under the stairwell to hide from the crooks, who are catching right up with them]
Back here! Back here! Shh. Here they come.
[Horace and Jasper come down the stairs] [grumbles angrily]
Double-crossin' little twerps, pullin 'a snitch on us, and after we took care of 'em all this time. There's gratitude for you.
[gallops down the stairs, takes one look at the goons, just as Sgt. Tibbs grabs Rolly by the tail, causing Rolly to yip]
[points to puppies]
Hey, Horace, there they go!
[Tibbs and the puppies are forced to make a break for it back the way they came, just as Colonel sees them running from the Baduns through a window]
Sergeant? I say, Sergeant.
[respectfully tries to explain]
Sorry, sir. No time to explain. Busy, sir!
[Colonel leaves the window and comes to another window to see the puppies and Tibbs run back to the living room, where Horace and Jasper evilly trap them]
Shut that door, Horace! We'll close in on 'em. Enough of this "Ring Around the Rosy".
