Now it don't look nice chewing gum in that suit!
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm chewin' it in my mouth.
Played by Lou Costello 
The Naughty Nineties (1945) · 9 quotes
The Naughty Nineties (1945) · 9 quotes
Tied for most-quoted character in The Naughty Nineties (1945): in 9 of its 9 quotes
Most scenes with: Dexter Broadhurst (9)
Scenes with Sebastian Dinwiddle
9 scenes Sebastian Dinwiddle Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Funny names?
Nicknames. Nicknames.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Not - not as funny as my name - Sebastian Dinwiddie.
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Sebastian Dinwiddle Funnier than that?
Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...
Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...
Sebastian Dinwiddle You know the fellows' names?
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, then, who's playin' first?
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle The guy on first base.
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, what are you askin' me for?
I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm asking you who's on first!
That's the man's name!
Sebastian Dinwiddle That's whose name?
Yes.
Note: the phrase "Who's on first" is ranked #91 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, go ahead and tell me!
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle The guy on first.
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle The first baseman.
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Have you got a first baseman on first?
Certainly.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Then who's playing first?
Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Who is?
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle So who gets it?
Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Whose wife?
Yes. After all, the man earns it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Who does?
Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not asking you who's on second.
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I'm trying to find out.
Well, don't change the players around.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not changing nobody.
Now, take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle What's the guy's name on first base?
What's the guy's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.
He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Sebastian Dinwiddle How did I get on third base?
You mentioned his name.
Sebastian Dinwiddle If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
No, who's playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Stay offa first, will ya?
Well, what do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle Now what's the guy's name on third base?
What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not asking ya who's on second.
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.
He's on third.
Sebastian Dinwiddle There I go, back on third again.
Well, I can't change their names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.
Please. Now what is it you want to know?
Sebastian Dinwiddle What is the fellow's name on third base?
What is the fellow's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.
Both
Third base!
Sebastian Dinwiddle You got a outfield?
Oh, sure.
Sebastian Dinwiddle St. Louis has got a good outfield?
Oh, absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle The left fielder's name?
Why.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you.
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Then tell me who's playing left field.
Who is playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Stay out of the infield!
Don't mention their names out there.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field.
What is on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not asking you who's on second.
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.
Now take it easy, take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle And the left fielder's name?
Why.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Because.
Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat, please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Center field.
Pick up your hat. And stop this - Now look, please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Mr. Broadhurst.
Yes?
Sebastian Dinwiddle Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?
Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle You don't want to tell me today?
I'm telling you, man.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Then go ahead.
Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle What time?
What time what?
Sebastian Dinwiddle What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on...
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.
Then why come up here and ask?
Sebastian Dinwiddle I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.
Both
Third base!
Sebastian Dinwiddle You gotta catcher?
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle The catcher's name?
Today.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all.
Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle Gotta catcher?
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm a good catcher, too, you know.
I know that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Well, I might arrange that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Now when he bunts the ball - me being a good catcher - I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Now, that's the first thing you've said right.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Well, that's all you have to do.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Is to throw it to first base.
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Now who's got it?
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Who has it?
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Okay.
Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Then who gets it?
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Okay.
All right.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I throw the ball to Naturally.
You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.
Well, that's it. Say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I said.
You did not.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
No. You throw the ball to first base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Then who gets it?
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I'm saying.
You're not saying that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Excuse me, folks.
It's all right. I'm sorry, folks.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I throw the ball to Naturally.
You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.
Naturally. Well, say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I'm saying.
Don't get excited. Now don't get excited.
Sebastian Dinwiddle I throw the ball to first base.
Then Who gets it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle He better get it.
That's it. All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Hmmph.
Hmmph.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Uh-huh.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - a triple play.
Yeah. It could be.
Sebastian Dinwiddle Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care.
What was that?
Sebastian Dinwiddle I said, I don't care.