Susan
Uh, thank goodness! A real person! [notices his jetpack] You are a real person, right? You're not one of those half-person, half-machine, whatever you call those things?
General W.R. Monger
A cyborg?
Susan
Uh, no! You're a cyborg!
General W.R. Monger
Ma'am, I can assure you I am not a cyborg. The name is General Warren R. Monger. I'm in charge of this facility.
Dr. Cockroach
Uh, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have some uranium on you? I just need a smidge.
General W.R. Monger
Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges. Immediately. [Susan's cell door opens] We’ve had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell. [a poster reads “Hang in there!] Try to keep you all calm-like.
Susan
But I don’t want a poster. I want a real kitten. Hanging from a real tree. [turns to General W. R. Monger] I wanna go home...
General W.R. Monger
Uh, come on, Little Debbie, please don’t cry. It makes my knees hurt. Don’t think of this as a prison! Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it’s locked from the outside! [Susan goes in her cell] Uh! And, uh, one other thing, the government has changed your name to GINORMICA.
General W.R. Monger
Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage and locked them up in a secret prison facility. So secret, that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense!
Is he referring to Area Fifty- [is shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart and falls over]
General W.R. Monger
Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus! [shows a tape of Insectosaurus going on a rampage in Tokyo. An aide drops a tray of china and screams.] Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into a 350-foot tall monster that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link... [Miss Ronson drops another tray of china and screams again.] ...a 20,000-year-old frozen fish-man who was thawed out by scientists. [shows a clip of the Missing Link's escape] He escaped and went on a rampage at his old watering hole... [shows a tape of the Missing Link on the beach in Florida] This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D, the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. [shows a black-and-white clip of Dr. Cockroach undergoing the experiment, giving himself his cockroach head] Unfortunately, there was a side-effect... [Miss Ronson drops yet another tray of china and screams yet again; Monger groans] Now, we call this thing B.O.B.... [A fourth crash and a fourth scream.] WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?! [Two men throw Miss Ronson out of the room off-screen.] Thank you! A genetically-altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness and became an indestructible gelatinous mass. And our latest addition, Ginormica.
President Hathaway
General, continue.
General W.R. Monger
Her entire body radiates with pure energy, giving her enormous strength and size.
President Hathaway
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the newest Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Of Staff, General W.R. Monger!
General W.R. Monger
Thank you very much, Mr. President. What a way to spend my 90th birthday.
President Hathaway
Alright, let's get it started in here! Nerd.
Gentlemen, I have come up with a budget estimate for rebuilding San Francisco.
President Hathaway
Zoinkers, this is going to be a boring one. Good time for a cup o' Joe. Warden, how do you take it?
General W.R. Monger
Hit me with a double venti, organic chocolate brownie caramel frappichino, extra hot with one inch of foam... [zooms in to his lips] ... non-fat.
President Hathaway
Got it, black it is. [this time, he hits the nuke button; everyone panics]
General W.R. Monger
My God, man! What have you done?!
President Hathaway
Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys! Let's check the situation in 500 years. [pops his head into the audience] Who wants to freeze my head? [puts his eyeglasses up]
Missing Link
You really don’t get it, do you? No monster has ever gotten out of here!
B.O.B
That’s not true, the Invisible Man did.
Missing Link
No, he didn’t, we just told you that so you won’t get upset.
Dr. Cockroach
He died of a heart attack 25 years ago.
B.O.B
NOOO!
Missing Link
Yeah…in that very chair.
Missing Link
He’s still there.
Missing Link
You see what I’m saying? Nobody’s leaving, nobody’s ever getting out!
General W.R. Monger
Good news, monsters, you’re getting out.
Missing Link
Until today.
General W.R. Monger
Whoo-ee!
