Michael "Mikey" Wormwood
Could you repeat the last one?
Tied for 5th most-quoted character in Matilda (1996): in 15 of its 72 quotes
Most scenes with: Harry Wormwood (10), Matilda (9), Zinnia Wormwood (9)
Give me the cookies.
More lines from Michael "Mikey" Wormwood
4 quotes
Michael "Mikey" Wormwood
Bummer.
Michael "Mikey" Wormwood
Hey, dip face, Have carrot!
Michael "Mikey" Wormwood
[throwing marshmallows as Matilda was grabbing the book that was thrown]
Hey, Dip face. Have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, Dip face. Dip face!
Scenes with Michael "Mikey" Wormwood
10 scenes
[We start with a close-up of a baby girl's face as the camera then pulls back from her. She's in a nursery room in a hospital] [first lines]
Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers or bakers or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making a Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse. [a nurse picks up the baby girl and shows her to a man, who grumbles and walks off] Most parents believe that their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.
[Outside, adults look at their newborns. The man, Harry Wormwood, walks beside his wife, Zinnia Wormwood]
What a waste of time.
And painful.
And expensive! $9.25 for a bar of soap?
Well, I had to take a shower, Harry.
$5,000?! I'm not paying it! What are they gonna do, repossess the kid? [puts the baby girl in the back of his car. Looking back at her, a boy named Michael Wormwood, Harry and Zinna's son, waves a toy, making her anxious. Harry jerks the car forward, causing the baby girl to slide. He hits the gas pedal, causing the baby girl to slide back] There's no way out.
Make a U-turn. [as Harry makes different turns in every direction, the baby girl looks dizzy] Harry!
All right.
Harry and Zinnia Wormwood lived in a very nice neighborhood, in a very nice house. But they were not really very nice people.
[As the family enter the house, the baby girl is still in the car]
The Wormwoods were so wrapped up in their own silly lives that they barely noticed that they had a daughter. Had they paid attention to her at all they'd have realized she was a rather extraordinary child.
They named her Matilda.
[As Matilda writes her name on green baby food, Zinnia wipes it off]
You're supposed to eat the spinach. Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! [picks her up and puts her in the sink] Babies. You're better off raising tomatoes!
[Matilda, now older, wipes her face with a rag]
By the time she was 2 years old, Matilda had learned what most people learn in their early 30s: How to take care of herself. [Now 4 years old, Matilda gets dressed] As time went by, she developed a sense of style. Every morning, Matilda's older brother, Michael, went to school.
Michael
Bye, Mom!
Get outta here.
Her father went to work, selling used cars for unfair prices.
Make money.
And her mother took off to play Bingo.
Soup's on the stove. Heat it up if you get hungry.
[As each of the Wormwoods leave, Matilda watches]
Matilda was left alone. That was how she liked it.
[As the background song "Send Me on My Way" by Rusted Root plays, she then turns to the can of soup and throws it away. Later, she cracks some eggs into a bowl, places some flour in and mixes them all together with a hand mixer. Next, she pours the mixture into pancake sizes on a pan on the stove. Once the sides of the pancakes are cooked, she flips them over. Later, she flips them out of the pan where they land on a plate. She lifts the plate up, places a flower in a small vase and begins to eat her nicely cooked pancakes whilst reading some magazines.]
By the time she was four, Matilda had read every magazine in the house. [The scene changes to the living room where the family are watching TV, Matilda walks up to her father] One night she got up her courage and asked her father for something she desperately wanted.
A book? What do you want a book for?
To read.
To read? Why would you wanna read when you got the television set sittin’ right in front of ya? There's nothin’ you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.
Michael
[Michael, who is struggling to watch the TV because his sister is in his view, leans and drags her out of his view.]
Get out of the way!
[Matilda watches with displeasure as her family is not going to listen. Harry briefly belches.]
Matilda already knew that she was somewhat different from her family. She saw that whatever she needed in this world, she'd have to get herself.
Ciao! [to Matilda] There's fish fingers in the microwave. [leaves]
The next morning, after her parents left, Matilda set off in search of a book.
Where's are the children's books, please?
Mrs. Phelps
In that room right over there. Would you like me to pick you out one with lots of pictures in it?
No, thank you. I'm sure I can manage.
[She walks to the room as Mrs. Phelps looks on with surprise. Matilda arrives in the children's books section and picks a book, before she sits on a small comfy chair and starts to read it. The next day shows Matilda walking to the traffic lights, where they turned green to allow pedestrians to cross the road. She walks to the library and reads another book.]
From then on, every day, as soon as her mother went to bingo, Matilda walked the ten blocks to the library, and devoured one book after another. [She giggles upon reading, as Mrs. Phelps hears her whilst working. Matilda places some books on a table, before she puts them back.] When she finished all the children's books, she started wandering around in search of something else. Mrs. Phelps, who had been watching her with fascination for the past few weeks, offered Matilda some valuable library information.
Mrs. Phelps
[Mrs. Phelps watches Matilda looking around the library and decides to talk to her. The next scene shows them talking in another section of the library.]
You know, you can have your very own library card, and then you could take books home, and you wouldn't have to walk here every day. You can take home as many as you'd like.
That would be wonderful.
[The next scene shows Matilda carrying a number of books in her pull wagon. The shot fades to show that different books are placed in the wagon.]
So, Matilda's strong, young mind continued to grow, nurtured by the voices of all those authors who had sent their books out into the world, like ships onto the sea. [As the 4-year-old Matilda walks in the park with her wagon, the shot fades to the 6-year-old Matilda still walking in the park.] These books gave Matilda a hopeful and comforting message; you are not alone.
[She watches some children playing in a playground before she sits under a tree and reads her book. The scene changes where Matilda is reading "Ivanhoe" in her bedroom as Harry opens the door.]
Any packages come today?
Mm-mm.
The library.
The library?! You've never set foot in the library, you're only four years old!
I'm six and a half.
You're four!
Six and a half.
If you were six and a half, you'd be in school already!
I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen.
[grabs his daughter's arm and drags her out of her bedroom]
Get up! Get up! Get out here. Give me that book. [takes his daughter's book and throws it on the ground aside, briefly catching his son's attention. Harry takes his daughter to their bedroom where his wife is applying peroxide in her hair] Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?
Four.
I'm six and a half, Mommy.
Five, then.
I was six in August.
You're a liar.
I wanna go to school.
[Zinnia snickers] [scoffs]
School! It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? [applies his hair tonic into his hair] We can't leave valuable packages sitting on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.
[Matilda begins to look upset and turns to leave]
You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl.
Hm. Tell me about it.
Michael
[In the hallway:]
Hey, dipface! [throws some marshmallows at at Matilda, as she walks to her bedroom, ignoring his brother] Have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, dipface! Dipface!
[his sister goes to her room and closes the door] [in her bedroom, some teardrops fall onto one of the pages in a book as Matilda is sobbing a bit. She hugs her doll]
Sometimes Matilda longed for a friend, someone like the kind, courageous people in her books. [she closes the book and gazes at the front cover where it shows the illustration of Ivanhoe] It occurred to her that, like talking dragons and princesses with hair long enough to climb, such people might exist only in storybooks. But Matilda was about to discover that she could be her own friend, [the next scene shows Harry joyfully running to the house, laughing] that she had a kind of strength that she wasn't even aware of.
[goes into the house, smiling]
I'm great! I'm incredible! Michael, pencil and paper, in the kitchen.
Did we sell some cars today, honeydew?
Did we! [kisses his wife as his son grabs a notebook and a pencil]
[as she, her husband, and her son walk to the table where her daughter is reading her book]
Does that mean I can get that new TV?
Yeah! Son, one day, you're gonna have to earn your own living. And it's time that you've learned the family business. Sit down, and write this down.
[Michael sits down and starts writing]
All right. The first car that your brilliant father sold cost $320. I sold it for $1,158. The second one costs $512. I sold it for $2,269!
Michael
Wait, Dad, you're going too fast.
Just write. The third cost $68. I sold it for $999! And the fourth cost $1,100. I sold it for 7,839 big American boffos!
Harry! :[kisses her husband]
What's my profit for the day?
Michael
Could you repeat the last one-?
$10,265.
From all the way over here?
[confused]
Are you being smart with me? [angrily approaches Matilda and points his finger at her] If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're gonna be punished.
Punished for being smart?
[angrily]
For being a smart aleck! [leans down to her level] When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson.
Get up! Get up! Go on! [pulls Matilda's ear, drags her to her room, and shuts the door]
Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use. He meant to say, "When a child is bad". Instead he said, "When a person is bad", and thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserved it, of course.
[Matilda looks at the alarm clock on the side table. Then, she quietly sneaks over to the makeup salon. Matilda spots her father's hair tonic which is "Oil of Violets" and grabs it. Then, she looks around and sees her mother's peroxide bottle. She then pours out some of the hair tonic, but leaves enough in. She looks back to see if her parents are waking up, but they aren't. Matilda finishes placing some of the peroxide into the hair tonic. Just as she is screwing the cap back on, the alarm clock goes off. Harry turns it off and slowly gets up just as Matilda puts the hair tonic and the peroxide back. She looks to see if Harry notices her, but he didn't. Then, she crawls into another room unnoticed just as Harry begins to cough. Harry then walks from the bed and into the bathroom. Matilda sees if the coast is clear and then plans to make her escape, but Zinnia shoots up from the bed. Matilda makes a quiet gasp, but Zinnia still had her eye-mask on, and Matilda quietly sighs in relief and leaves the room, before Zinnia takes off her eye-mask. Harry grabs his bottle of hair tonic.]
Michael, come into my room!
Michael
[he sprinkles some hair tonic onto his scalp]
What?
My boy! Today's the day I take you to the shop. What do ya say?
Michael
I don't know. What do you say, Dad?
I say appearance is nine-tenths of the law. People don't buy a car. They buy me. Which is why I take such good care of myself. Well-oiled hair. Clean shaved. Snappy suit. Now run along and get ready for a big day of learning, kid. And it's gonna be a big day of learning, too. There's a sucker born every minute, and we're gonna take 'em for all they've got.
Michael
Give me the cookies.
Here.
[Matilda puts peroxide in her father's hair tonic, bleaching his hair blonde]
OK, my boy! Heir to the throne. Today, we diddle the customer.
[Michael drops his cookie, astonished]
What's wrong with you? What are you looking at? Lovekins, where's my breakfast?
Here we are, my heartstrings. [sees her husband, shrieks, and throws two bowls of cereal in the air] Snickerdoodle, what did you do to your hair?
[confused]
My hair?! [goes to a mirror as Zinnia and Michael watch, he sees his hair dyed blonde. He screams, and falls sideways to the floor. Stifling a laugh, Matilda takes a drink]
Michael, one day all this will be yours.
Michael
This?
See this junker? I paid a hundred dollars for her. She's got 120,000 miles on her. Transmission's shot, bumpers are falling off. What do I do with her, hmm? I sell her! [brushes Super Super Glue on the bumper] We really should weld these bumpers on, but that takes time, equipment, money. So we use 'Super Super Glue' instead. [to Michael and Matilda] Go ahead. Put it on there.
Michael
Won't it fall off?
Definitely.
Isn't that dangerous?
Not to me. Okay? [pours sawdust into the transmission] Transmission… The sawdust quiets the gears and lets the motor run as sweet as a nut, for a couple a miles.
Daddy, that's cheating.
Of course that's cheating. Nobody ever got rich being honest. [picks up a drill that's hooked up to the odometer] Twenty years ago, we could turn the numbers back by hand, but, here, take my hat! [gives Michael his hat, who puts it down] But the feds like to test the ingenuity of the American businessman. Two directional drill. You run it backwards, the numbers go down. Watch the speedometer.
Michael
Cool.
See?
Michael
Yeah.
Daddy, you're a crook.
What?
This is illegal.
Here. Keep drilling. [gives Michael the drill as he walks over to Matilda] You make money? Do you have a job?
No. But don't people need good cars? Can't you sell good cars, dad?
Listen, you little wiseacre. I'm smart; you're dumb. I'm big; you're little. I'm right; you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it. [as Harry walks away, Matilda spots the hat and super glue and gets an idea]
Harry! I won! I won! I hit the double bingo! Come on, everybody. I'm taking you all to Café Le Ritz.
Let me see the money.
Never mind.
Double bingo, huh? Ooh.
God, your hair looks awful. I hope they let you in.
They'll let me in.
Get in the car. Go on, get in. How much?
It's for me to know, and you to find out.
I will not be a figure of ridicule! I want respect and I want it now!
I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously you did.
I did not glue my hat to my head! The hat shrunk, the fibres fused to my hair!
Baby! Wait a minute. I'm getting it now. I'm getting it. One more. Oh, my God.
From now on, this family does exactly what I say, when exactly when I say it!
Here's your hat, Harry.
Give me that hat. And right now, we are eating dinner and watching TV.
Mickey
Are you ready to get sticky with Mickey?
Crowd
[cheering]
Shut your light off.
Mickey
I'm just giving it away! For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes. For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Once in our Cube of Cash, any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home!
Hi, Dad.
[very stern]
Are you in this family? [Matilda does not answer] Hello? Are you in this family? [switches lamp off] Dinnertime is family time! What is this trash you're reading?
It's not trash, Dad, it's lovely. It's called "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville.
It's not mine, it's a library book!
Trash! [throws the book on the floor] I'm fed up with all this reading! You're a Wormwood, and it's time you started acting like one! Sit up and look at the TV! [grabs Matilda's head, forcing her to watch TV]
Mickey
The producers are not liable for any skin irritation that may result from playing our game. Get real sticky and get cash for free. All right, that's enough. Let's get sticky!
[Forcing Matilda to watch the TV by holding his hands on the side of her head, the TV suddenly explodes due to Matilda using her powers.]
I didn't do it.
Of course, you didn't do it, you little twit.
I told you that was a cheap set.
It's not a cheap set. It's a stolen set. Put your light on!
Michael
Bummer.
Was it magic or coincidence? She didn't know. It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our brains. Matilda might never have discovered her own great strength of mind were it not for the events that began on the very next day.
[Nighttime, Zinnia watches a wrestling match on TV. Harry imitates to wrestle with Michael. Sitting in the arm-chair, Matilda does her homework]
Whack to the belly! A smack in the face. Another smack in the face! Burns is hurt! He's on the rope, ladies and gentlemen! [a doorbell is heard] Saved by the bell! [suddenly confused] The packages are at this hour?
Come here. [straightens her husband's hair with a hairbrush] Okay.
We don't give money, we don't like charities, and we don't buy raffle tickets. [goes to rudely shut the door in Jenny's face]
[Matilda looks up from doing her homework]
What has she done now? [to Matilda] You! Go to your room, right now! Right now! Beat it! [Matilda walks off; back to Jenny] Look, whatever it is, she's your problem now.
Then beat it. We're watching TV.
[stops Harry from closing the door once more, and glares at him]
Mr. Wormwood, if you think watching some rotten TV show is more important than your daughter, then maybe you shouldn't be a parent. Now, why don't you turn that darn thing off and listen to me?
[sighs in frustration and in defeat]
All right. Come on in. Let's get this over with. Mrs. Wormwood is not gonna like this. Come on, get it. [Jenny finally enters the house] Close the door.
Some teacher. Says she's gotta talk to you about Matilda.
What do you want?
I'm sure you're aware by now that Matilda has a brilliant mind.
Yeah. Right! Mikey, give me a beer.
[Michael throws Harry a beer]
Her math skills are simply extraordinary. She's reading material…
Michael
Want one?
No thank you, dear. Material that I didn't see until my second year of college.
Great. College.
I really feel with private instruction that she'd be ready for college in just a few, short years.
Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent. I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books. I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband.… And you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha ha...
College? I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Buncha hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha...
Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate.
[scoffs]
Or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college too.
[Matilda is eavesdropping with a scared look on her face knowing she was the one who’s told Miss Honey about her dad’s shady business practices]
What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?
Nobody. …Oh, dear. I can see we're not going to agree, are we? No. …I'm sorry I burst in on you like this. Sorry.
We oughta sue her for interrupting our show.
Tell me about it! Why's he standing in the middle of the ring? [The fight is now over, Miss Honey leaves a copy of The Wind in the Willows by the front door]
He's standing in the middle of the ring 'cause it's over.
We missed it?
Great. It's over.
Who won?
How do I know? You shut it off!
Was it my fault she came in the middle of the fight?
[Zinnia is talking to Bill and Bob]
So, he came home with 2,000 dollars cash, and he threw it up in the air, and we both swam in it like we were both on the "Million Dollar Sticky". Do you like that show?
I love that show.
That was the old days. Now we've got money in banks all over this planet, and does he give me a dime?
They're cops.
They're not cops, they're Ace powerboat salesmen.
Hi, Harry.
[sees the agents and looks appalled]
Who are you? What is this, a hot tub party? Get the hell out of here! I slave all day, I come home, you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude bodybuilders!
They're cops, dad.
You interested in timeshare?
Get out of here.
[Harry slams the door on him]
You don't let me talk to people! I live in a cage, Harry! I need to talk to somebody besides those stupid kids!
Oh, yeah?! Well, a man is entitled to come home and find dinner on the table, without having to wade through a convention of male strippers!
Dad!
What do you want?
Yell at me, okay?
Shut up and leave us alone!
Yell at me again!
Yell at you? I'll come in there and pound your miserable hide! What do I have to do to gain respect around here?! I'm gonna give you a tanning like you've never had in your life! My word is my law! You understand?! Law! [Matilda magically closes the door]
No kid likes being yelled at, but it was precisely Harry's ranting and raving that gave Matilda the key to her power. To unlock that power, all she had to do was practice.
[A series of flashbacks are shown.]
You're a little cheat. (…You're a Wormwood. It's time you started acting like one! …) What are you, stupid?!? I'm smart, you're dumb. I'm big, you're little.
The apple never rots far from the tree.
I think there's something wrong with that girl.
I'm right, you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it.
Michael
Hey, dip face, here's your book. [Throws book at Matilda]
You're a Wormwood! It's time you started acting like one! (Time you started acting like one!)
Man on the Radio
[As the background song "Little Bitty Pretty One" by Thurston Harris plays]
That was my personal favorite played especially for all you little bitty pretty ones moving and grooving on this sunny afternoon. Playing music to make you smile, so you'd better not touch that!
[in the garage searching for the stolen car parts]
Shouldn't we have a search warrant to do this?
Nah! This guy's dirty. Once we show this tape in court, Wormwood's goose is cooked. I'm sure that box is full of stolen car parts. [Matilda is using her powers to move the box as Bob moves the ladder to try and get the box]
You've been taping all week. How about letting me handle that camera for awhile?
Do you know how to use it? Do you know about the zoom and the white balance? Do you know how to adjust the eyepiece?
I can handle it. Besides, it's my turn.
Yeah. Your turn to drop it.
I won't drop it. Come on.
You two men are going to be in a lot of trouble very soon.
It's the female minor.
Aren't you supposed to be in school, young lady?
I really hope you have a search warrant. According to a constitutional law book I read in the library, if you don't have one, you could lose your job or go to federal prison.
It's your father who's going to federal prison. And you know where you'll end up? In a federal orphanage. If you cooperate, we'll make sure it's a nice orphanage, the kind with food, teeny-weeny cockroaches. What do you say? [car starts rolling down the hill]
There's another crime in the making. Your car is about to run a stop sign. [She uses her powers to make the car roll down the hill. The agents run after the car as she removes the tape from the camera and throws it in the kitchen garbage]
So she bought a little time for her dad to come to his senses. But now, Matilda had bigger fish to fry, much bigger.
[light switch off at once] [laughing]
Michael
Hey, dip-face, where you are going?
Out.
Michael
Hey, dip-face, have a carrot.
[Mikey shoots a carrot with his spoon towards his sister. Michael gasps, Matilda uses her powers to make the carrot shoot back at her brother who chokes on it]
Chew your food! You're an animal!
Miss Honey moved back into her father's house. Of course, Matilda was a frequent visitor.
Tea time.
Did you know that the heart of a mouse beats at the rate of 650 times a minute?
My…. Where did you learn that?
In a book. It beats so fast that it doesn't sound like it's beating at all. It sounds like it's humming. A porcupine's heart beats 300 times a minute.
Wait!
Hey, you. Hey. We're leaving. Let's go. Get in the car. Hurry up. …Let's wrap up these cookies. Come on. We're leaving. Now!
I'd be happy to walk her home.
Well, nobody'll be there. We're moving to Guam. Come on. Let's go.
Guam?
Yeah. Daddy's not gonna be in the auto business anymore.
I don't want to leave!
We're going on a permanent vacation.
[from the Wormwood family's car's shotgun window]
Yeah, and we've gotta beat the speedboat salesmen to the airport.
I love it here! I want to keep going to my school! It isn't fair!
Get in the car, Melinda!
Matilda!
Whatever.
I want to be with Miss Honey!
Miss Honey doesn't want you! Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?!
Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child, and I love her.
Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.
[Harry grabs Matilda and tries to lead her to the car.] [to Matilda]
Look, I don't have time for all these legalities.
[Harry --after saying this-- holds Matilda in his grasp.]
One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.
[Matilda breaks out from her father's grasp. And she opens her mother's purse and takes out the adoption documents.]
What? Where did you get those?
From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.
Are you hearing this, Harry?
[sighs]
All you have to do is sign them.
Michael
[from the car window]
I am going to be an only child again.
Shut up! I-I-I can't think with all these sirens. What do you think, pumpkin?
[Zinnia looks for a moment and in dismay, she turns to Matilda.]
You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. I never understood you. Not one little bit. Who's got a pen?
Here.
Thanks.
And doing perhaps the first decent thing they ever did for their daughter, the Wormwoods signed the adoption papers.
And here. And here.
All right. Come on. Turn around. You're not gonna be calling us for support payments, or nothing like that, huh?
Oh, no. We'll have everything we need. Don't worry.
All right. Here. Let's roll.
[The scene cuts to Matilda and Miss Honey. Miss Honey --Matilda's teacher --picks up Matilda and hugs her]
Ciao!
[As the narrator continues narrating, Matilda lives a happy life with her teacher Miss Honey, that is, both at school and Miss Honey's house.] [continues]
And as bad as things were before, that's how good they became. Miss Honey was made principal of Crunchem Hall which had to add an upper school because children never wanted to leave. Then Matilda found to her great surprise, that life could be fun. And she decided to have as much of it as possible. After all, she was a very smart kid. But the happiest part of the story was that Matilda and Miss Honey had each gotten what they'd always wanted. A loving family. And Matilda never had to use her powers again. Well, I mean, "Almost never".
[Finally, the scene goes to Matilda's childhood with Miss Honey at night. Matilda on her bed with Miss Honey. Matilda, she uses her powers to pick a book from the shelf. She opens it and starts reading. The book is titled MOBY DICK. This is one of the MOBY DICK books. And it is titled MOBY DICK AND THE WHITE WHALE.] [reading]
Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse and nothing particular to...
[The screen fades out into credits.]
