Zinnia Wormwood quotes from Matilda (1996)

I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously, you did.

Harry! I won! I won! I hit the double bingo! Come on, everybody. I'm taking you all to Café Le Ritz.

Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college?

Narrator

Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers or bakers or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making a Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse. [a nurse picks up the baby girl and shows her to a man, who grumbles and walks off] Most parents believe that their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.

What a waste of time.

And painful.

And expensive! $9.25 for a bar of soap?

Well, I had to take a shower, Harry.

$5,000?! I'm not paying it! What are they gonna do, repossess the kid? [puts the baby girl in the back of his car. Looking back at her, a boy named Michael Wormwood, Harry and Zinna's son, waves a toy, making her anxious. Harry jerks the car forward, causing the baby girl to slide. He hits the gas pedal, causing the baby girl to slide back] There's no way out.

Make a U-turn. [as Harry makes different turns in every direction, the baby girl looks dizzy] Harry!

All right.

Harry!

The Wormwood guy is back!

Narrator

Harry and Zinnia Wormwood lived in a very nice neighborhood, in a very nice house. But they were not really very nice people.

Get outta the street, ya little dodos!

Narrator

The Wormwoods were so wrapped up in their own silly lives that they barely noticed that they had a daughter. Had they paid attention to her at all they'd have realized she was a rather extraordinary child.

Oh, my gosh, Matilda, now look what you did!

Narrator

They named her Matilda.

You're supposed to eat the spinach. Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! [picks her up and puts her in the sink] Babies. You're better off raising tomatoes!

Narrator

By the time she was 2 years old, Matilda had learned what most people learn in their early 30s: How to take care of herself. [Now 4 years old, Matilda gets dressed] As time went by, she developed a sense of style. Every morning, Matilda's older brother, Michael, went to school.

Bye, Mom!

Get outta here.

Narrator

Her father went to work, selling used cars for unfair prices.

Make money.

Narrator

And her mother took off to play Bingo.

Soup's on the stove. Heat it up if you get hungry.

Narrator

Matilda was left alone. That was how she liked it.
[As the background song "Send Me on My Way" by Rusted Root plays, she then turns to the can of soup and throws it away. Later, she cracks some eggs into a bowl, places some flour in and mixes them all together with a hand mixer. Next, she pours the mixture into pancake sizes on a pan on the stove. Once the sides of the pancakes are cooked, she flips them over. Later, she flips them out of the pan where they land on a plate. She lifts the plate up, places a flower in a small vase and begins to eat her nicely cooked pancakes whilst reading some magazines.]

Narrator

By the time she was four, Matilda had read every magazine in the house. [The scene changes to the living room where the family are watching TV, Matilda walks up to her father] One night she got up her courage and asked her father for something she desperately wanted.

A book? What do you want a book for?

To read.

To read? Why would you wanna read when you got the television set sittin’ right in front of ya? There's nothin’ you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.

Get out of the way!

Narrator

Matilda already knew that she was somewhat different from her family. She saw that whatever she needed in this world, she'd have to get herself.

Bye!

Ciao! [to Matilda] There's fish fingers in the microwave. [leaves]

Narrator

The next morning, after her parents left, Matilda set off in search of a book.

Where's are the children's books, please?

In that room right over there. Would you like me to pick you out one with lots of pictures in it?

No, thank you. I'm sure I can manage.

Narrator

From then on, every day, as soon as her mother went to bingo, Matilda walked the ten blocks to the library, and devoured one book after another. [She giggles upon reading, as Mrs. Phelps hears her whilst working. Matilda places some books on a table, before she puts them back.] When she finished all the children's books, she started wandering around in search of something else. Mrs. Phelps, who had been watching her with fascination for the past few weeks, offered Matilda some valuable library information.

You know, you can have your very own library card, and then you could take books home, and you wouldn't have to walk here every day. You can take home as many as you'd like.

That would be wonderful.

Narrator

So, Matilda's strong, young mind continued to grow, nurtured by the voices of all those authors who had sent their books out into the world, like ships onto the sea. [As the 4-year-old Matilda walks in the park with her wagon, the shot fades to the 6-year-old Matilda still walking in the park.] These books gave Matilda a hopeful and comforting message; you are not alone.

Any packages come today?

Mm-mm.

Where'd all this come from?

The library.

The library?! You've never set foot in the library, you're only four years old!

I'm six and a half.

You're four!

Six and a half.

If you were six and a half, you'd be in school already!

I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen.

Get up! Get up! Get out here. Give me that book. [takes his daughter's book and throws it on the ground aside, briefly catching his son's attention. Harry takes his daughter to their bedroom where his wife is applying peroxide in her hair] Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?

Four.

I'm six and a half, Mommy.

Five, then.

I was six in August.

You're a liar.

I wanna go to school.

School! It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? [applies his hair tonic into his hair] We can't leave valuable packages sitting on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.

You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl.

Hm. Tell me about it.

Hey, dipface! [throws some marshmallows at at Matilda, as she walks to her bedroom, ignoring his brother] Have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, dipface! Dipface!

Narrator

Sometimes Matilda longed for a friend, someone like the kind, courageous people in her books. [she closes the book and gazes at the front cover where it shows the illustration of Ivanhoe] It occurred to her that, like talking dragons and princesses with hair long enough to climb, such people might exist only in storybooks. But Matilda was about to discover that she could be her own friend, [the next scene shows Harry joyfully running to the house, laughing] that she had a kind of strength that she wasn't even aware of.

I'm great! I'm incredible! Michael, pencil and paper, in the kitchen.

Did we sell some cars today, honeydew?

Did we! [kisses his wife as his son grabs a notebook and a pencil]

Does that mean I can get that new TV?

Yeah! Son, one day, you're gonna have to earn your own living. And it's time that you've learned the family business. Sit down, and write this down.

All right. The first car that your brilliant father sold cost $320. I sold it for $1,158. The second one costs $512. I sold it for $2,269!

Wait, Dad, you're going too fast.

Just write. The third cost $68. I sold it for $999! And the fourth cost $1,100. I sold it for 7,839 big American boffos!

Harry! :[kisses her husband]

What's my profit for the day?

Could you repeat the last one-?

$10,265.

Check it if you don't believe me.

You're a little cheat, you saw the paper.

From all the way over here?

Are you being smart with me? [angrily approaches Matilda and points his finger at her] If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're gonna be punished.

Punished for being smart?

For being a smart aleck! [leans down to her level] When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson.

"Person"?

Get up! Get up! Go on! [pulls Matilda's ear, drags her to her room, and shuts the door]

Narrator

Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use. He meant to say, "When a child is bad". Instead he said, "When a person is bad", and thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserved it, of course.

[Matilda looks at the alarm clock on the side table. Then, she quietly sneaks over to the makeup salon. Matilda spots her father's hair tonic which is "Oil of Violets" and grabs it. Then, she looks around and sees her mother's peroxide bottle. She then pours out some of the hair tonic, but leaves enough in. She looks back to see if her parents are waking up, but they aren't. Matilda finishes placing some of the peroxide into the hair tonic. Just as she is screwing the cap back on, the alarm clock goes off. Harry turns it off and slowly gets up just as Matilda puts the hair tonic and the peroxide back. She looks to see if Harry notices her, but he didn't. Then, she crawls into another room unnoticed just as Harry begins to cough. Harry then walks from the bed and into the bathroom. Matilda sees if the coast is clear and then plans to make her escape, but Zinnia shoots up from the bed. Matilda makes a quiet gasp, but Zinnia still had her eye-mask on, and Matilda quietly sighs in relief and leaves the room, before Zinnia takes off her eye-mask. Harry grabs his bottle of hair tonic.]

Michael, come into my room!

What?

My boy! Today's the day I take you to the shop. What do ya say?

I don't know. What do you say, Dad?

I say appearance is nine-tenths of the law. People don't buy a car. They buy me. Which is why I take such good care of myself. Well-oiled hair. Clean shaved. Snappy suit. Now run along and get ready for a big day of learning, kid. And it's gonna be a big day of learning, too. There's a sucker born every minute, and we're gonna take 'em for all they've got.

Give me the cookies.

Here.

OK, my boy! Heir to the throne. Today, we diddle the customer.

What's wrong with you? What are you looking at? Lovekins, where's my breakfast?

Here we are, my heartstrings. [sees her husband, shrieks, and throws two bowls of cereal in the air] Snickerdoodle, what did you do to your hair?

My hair?! [goes to a mirror as Zinnia and Michael watch, he sees his hair dyed blonde. He screams, and falls sideways to the floor. Stifling a laugh, Matilda takes a drink]

Michael, one day all this will be yours.

This?

See this junker? I paid a hundred dollars for her. She's got 120,000 miles on her. Transmission's shot, bumpers are falling off. What do I do with her, hmm? I sell her! [brushes Super Super Glue on the bumper] We really should weld these bumpers on, but that takes time, equipment, money. So we use 'Super Super Glue' instead. [to Michael and Matilda] Go ahead. Put it on there.

Won't it fall off?

Definitely.

Isn't that dangerous?

Not to me. Okay? [pours sawdust into the transmission] Transmission… The sawdust quiets the gears and lets the motor run as sweet as a nut, for a couple a miles.

Daddy, that's cheating.

Of course that's cheating. Nobody ever got rich being honest. [picks up a drill that's hooked up to the odometer] Twenty years ago, we could turn the numbers back by hand, but, here, take my hat! [gives Michael his hat, who puts it down] But the feds like to test the ingenuity of the American businessman. Two directional drill. You run it backwards, the numbers go down. Watch the speedometer.

Cool.

See?

Yeah.

Daddy, you're a crook.

What?

This is illegal.

Here. Keep drilling. [gives Michael the drill as he walks over to Matilda] You make money? Do you have a job?

No. But don't people need good cars? Can't you sell good cars, dad?

Listen, you little wiseacre. I'm smart; you're dumb. I'm big; you're little. I'm right; you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it. [as Harry walks away, Matilda spots the hat and super glue and gets an idea]

Harry! I won! I won! I hit the double bingo! Come on, everybody. I'm taking you all to Café Le Ritz.

Let me see the money.

Never mind.

Double bingo, huh? Ooh.

God, your hair looks awful. I hope they let you in.

They'll let me in.

Here's your hat, daddy.

Get in the car. Go on, get in. How much?

It's for me to know, and you to find out.

It's nice to go out sometimes, isn't it?

Yeah.

You never take us out.

Of course, I do. I took you to "The Flipper".

I don't remember any "The Flipper".

The fish joint. You found that comb in the bouillabaisse.

Oh, yeah. I liked that joint.

Bon jour. This way, please.

Harry, take your hat off.

I can't.

This is a nice place. You can't wear a hat inside.

I can't take it off.

Harry, nobody cares what your hair looks like.

I can't get it off.

What's with this hat?

I can't get it off. I can't get it off.

Just a minute. I'm gonna get this hat off.

Pull it. Pull it.

I'm pulling it!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

I think your head swelled up really bad.

You're pulling the skin!

You! You're such a baby. Stop it!

Fibers are fused to the head!

Fibers are fused... What is that supposed to mean?! [she pulls at the hat one last time, flying backwards and tumbling head over heels over a table also sending Harry into a waiter which sends 3 menus into the air. He then falls into a dessert cart which sends some dessert flying as another waiter catches the menus. A fourth menu hits the tines of a fork which lands in a cream tart in front of Matilda. Mikey gets splattered with another cream dessert. Matilda happily takes a forkful of the cream tart]

I will not be a figure of ridicule! I want respect and I want it now!

I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously you did.

I did not glue my hat to my head! The hat shrunk, the fibres fused to my hair!

Baby! Wait a minute. I'm getting it now. I'm getting it. One more. Oh, my God.

From now on, this family does exactly what I say, when exactly when I say it!

Here's your hat, Harry.

Give me that hat. And right now, we are eating dinner and watching TV.

Are you ready to get sticky with Mickey?

Shut your light off.

I'm just giving it away! For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes. For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Once in our Cube of Cash, any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home!

Hi, Dad.

Are you in this family? [Matilda does not answer] Hello? Are you in this family? [switches lamp off] Dinnertime is family time! What is this trash you're reading?

It's not trash, Dad, it's lovely. It's called "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville.

Moby What?! [angrily grabs the book, and rips the pages] This is filth! Trash!

It's not mine, it's a library book!

Trash! [throws the book on the floor] I'm fed up with all this reading! You're a Wormwood, and it's time you started acting like one! Sit up and look at the TV! [grabs Matilda's head, forcing her to watch TV]

The producers are not liable for any skin irritation that may result from playing our game. Get real sticky and get cash for free. All right, that's enough. Let's get sticky!

I didn't do it.

Of course, you didn't do it, you little twit.

I told you that was a cheap set.

It's not a cheap set. It's a stolen set. Put your light on!

Bummer.

Narrator

Was it magic or coincidence? She didn't know. It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our brains. Matilda might never have discovered her own great strength of mind were it not for the events that began on the very next day.

Get back at Tiffany, when she was having that baby.

Mom. I'm home.

Hi. How was school?

School was great. My teacher lets me do sixth grade work. Look. Algebra and geography,

The thing with Valerie's brother. You're kidding? Hold on a minute. Can't you see I'm in the middle of an important phone call?

Well, you just asked me how school was.

Quiet! …Well, what else was she supposed to do? The baby wasn't his.

Well, it was really great.

No way. They've gotta be implants.

The principal is insane. She threw a girl over the fence by her hair.

It would change your life, too, if you waxed yours. I'm positive.

I have the most wonderful teacher.

Mine are driving me crazy. I'm telling you. Six hours a day at school is not enough.

I'll say.

Whack to the belly! A smack in the face. Another smack in the face! Burns is hurt! He's on the rope, ladies and gentlemen! [a doorbell is heard] Saved by the bell! [suddenly confused] The packages are at this hour?

Come here. [straightens her husband's hair with a hairbrush] Okay.

Hello.

We don't give money, we don't like charities, and we don't buy raffle tickets. [goes to rudely shut the door in Jenny's face]

Mr. Wormwood, I'm Jennifer Honey, and I'm Matilda's teacher.

What has she done now? [to Matilda] You! Go to your room, right now! Right now! Beat it! [Matilda walks off; back to Jenny] Look, whatever it is, she's your problem now.

No. There's no problem.

Then beat it. We're watching TV.

Mr. Wormwood, if you think watching some rotten TV show is more important than your daughter, then maybe you shouldn't be a parent. Now, why don't you turn that darn thing off and listen to me?

All right. Come on in. Let's get this over with. Mrs. Wormwood is not gonna like this. Come on, get it. [Jenny finally enters the house] Close the door.

Who is it?

Some teacher. Says she's gotta talk to you about Matilda.

What did you do that for? He had Velasquez on the ropes.

What do you want?

I'm sure you're aware by now that Matilda has a brilliant mind.

Yeah. Right! Mikey, give me a beer.

Her math skills are simply extraordinary. She's reading material…

Want one?

No thank you, dear. Material that I didn't see until my second year of college.

Oh, college.

Great. College.

I really feel with private instruction that she'd be ready for college in just a few, short years.

Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent. I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books. I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband.… And you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha ha...

College? I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Buncha hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha...

Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate.

Or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college too.

What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?

Nobody. …Oh, dear. I can see we're not going to agree, are we? No. …I'm sorry I burst in on you like this. Sorry.

We oughta sue her for interrupting our show.

Tell me about it! Why's he standing in the middle of the ring? [The fight is now over, Miss Honey leaves a copy of The Wind in the Willows by the front door]

Thank you.

Tomorrow.

He's standing in the middle of the ring 'cause it's over.

We missed it?

Great. It's over.

Who won?

How do I know? You shut it off!

Was it my fault she came in the middle of the fight?

Young lady, where were you?!

Miss Trunchbull kept the whole school late because this boy ate some chocolate cake.

That's the biggest lie I ever heard. You see those packages over there? They were left out for the whole world to see because you weren't here to take 'em in!

I don't think it's fair, bumpkins.

What?

You get all this stuff from catalogues, and I don't get anything!

It's not catalogues, it's car parts, sweetness. It's business!

Oh, if it's business, why don't you have it sent to the office?

Because the cops may be watching the office.

The cops are watching the house.

What?

They're parked outside right now.

You are such an ignoramus! Those are speedboat salesmen! Really nice guys.

Speedboats? There are no lakes around here.

Yeah, but some people like to go away on the weekends. Some people have fun!

And some people are cops.

They are not cops!

Are too!

They are not! I oughta know if there's cops watching my house! Now get to bed, you lying little earwig.

So, he came home with 2,000 dollars cash, and he threw it up in the air, and we both swam in it like we were both on the "Million Dollar Sticky". Do you like that show?

I love that show.

That was the old days. Now we've got money in banks all over this planet, and does he give me a dime?

Matilda, this is Bob and Bill.

They're cops.

They're not cops, they're Ace powerboat salesmen.

Baby-cakes, I'm starved.

Hi, Harry.

Who are you? What is this, a hot tub party? Get the hell out of here! I slave all day, I come home, you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude bodybuilders!

They're cops, dad.

You interested in timeshare?

Get out of here.

You don't let me talk to people! I live in a cage, Harry! I need to talk to somebody besides those stupid kids!

Oh, yeah?! Well, a man is entitled to come home and find dinner on the table, without having to wade through a convention of male strippers!

Dad!

What do you want?

Yell at me, okay?

Shut up and leave us alone!

Yell at me again!

Yell at you? I'll come in there and pound your miserable hide! What do I have to do to gain respect around here?! I'm gonna give you a tanning like you've never had in your life! My word is my law! You understand?! Law! [Matilda magically closes the door]

Narrator

No kid likes being yelled at, but it was precisely Harry's ranting and raving that gave Matilda the key to her power. To unlock that power, all she had to do was practice.

You're a little cheat. (…You're a Wormwood. It's time you started acting like one! …) What are you, stupid?!? I'm smart, you're dumb. I'm big, you're little.

Trunchbull

The apple never rots far from the tree.

I think there's something wrong with that girl.

I'm right, you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it.

Hey, dip face, here's your book. [Throws book at Matilda]

You're a Wormwood! It's time you started acting like one! (Time you started acting like one!)

Narrator

Miss Honey moved back into her father's house. Of course, Matilda was a frequent visitor.

Tea time.

Did you know that the heart of a mouse beats at the rate of 650 times a minute?

My…. Where did you learn that?

In a book. It beats so fast that it doesn't sound like it's beating at all. It sounds like it's humming. A porcupine's heart beats 300 times a minute.

Wait!

Hey, you. Hey. We're leaving. Let's go. Get in the car. Hurry up. …Let's wrap up these cookies. Come on. We're leaving. Now!

I'd be happy to walk her home.

Well, nobody'll be there. We're moving to Guam. Come on. Let's go.

Guam?

Yeah. Daddy's not gonna be in the auto business anymore.

I don't want to leave!

We're going on a permanent vacation.

Yeah, and we've gotta beat the speedboat salesmen to the airport.

I love it here! I want to keep going to my school! It isn't fair!

Miss Honey? Please don't make them...!

Get in the car, Melinda!

Matilda!

Whatever.

I want to be with Miss Honey!

Miss Honey doesn't want you! Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?!

Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child, and I love her.

Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.

Look, I don't have time for all these legalities.

One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.

What? Where did you get those?

From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.

Are you hearing this, Harry?

All you have to do is sign them.

I am going to be an only child again.

Shut up! I-I-I can't think with all these sirens. What do you think, pumpkin?

You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. I never understood you. Not one little bit. Who's got a pen?

Here.

Thanks.

Narrator

And doing perhaps the first decent thing they ever did for their daughter, the Wormwoods signed the adoption papers.

And here. And here.

All right. Come on. Turn around. You're not gonna be calling us for support payments, or nothing like that, huh?

Oh, no. We'll have everything we need. Don't worry.

All right. Here. Let's roll.

Ciao!

Narrator

So, Harry and Zinnia got away.

Narrator

And as bad as things were before, that's how good they became. Miss Honey was made principal of Crunchem Hall which had to add an upper school because children never wanted to leave. Then Matilda found to her great surprise, that life could be fun. And she decided to have as much of it as possible. After all, she was a very smart kid. But the happiest part of the story was that Matilda and Miss Honey had each gotten what they'd always wanted. A loving family. And Matilda never had to use her powers again. Well, I mean, "Almost never".

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse and nothing particular to...
[The screen fades out into credits.]