Elle quotes from Legally Blonde (2001)

Elle

And two weeks ago, I killed Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, when I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed!

Elle

So just because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner, across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.

Elle

He's engaged! She's got the six-carat Harry Winston on her bony, unpolished finger.

Elle

All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.

Elle

Bend... and snap!

Elle

Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands. They just don't!

Elle

I'll show you how valuable Elle Woods can be!

Elle

I've been waiting for a long time for you to say that. But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.

Elle

On my very first day at Harvard, a very wise professor quoted Aristotle, "The law is reason free from passion"; Well, no offence to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard, I have come to find passion is the key ingredient to the study and practice of law, and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly you must always have faith in yourself. Congratulations, Class of 2004... [excited] We did it!

Warner

Elle, if I'm gonna be a senator by the time I'm 30, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.

Elle

So, you're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde?

Warner

No, that's not entirely true—

Elle

Then what? My boobs are too big?

Warner

Your boobs are fine.

Warner Huntington III

Pooh Bear, just get in the car.

Elle

No. [starts walking away, sniffling]

Warner Huntington III

You're gonna ruin your shoes.

Elle

Okay. [gets in car]

Elle

Oh, my God! Do you know who this is?

No.

Elle

That’s Warner's older brother.

Who?

Elle

This is the type of girl Warner wants to marry. This is what I need to become to be serious.

What? Practically deformed?

Elle

No... a law student.

You'll need this.

Elle

Your scrunchie?

My lucky scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.

Serena

You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap-dance after the final.

Yeah – luckily.

Elle

I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.

Well, then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.

Elle

Okay.

And a heck of an admissions essay.

Elle

Right.

And at least a 175 on your LSATs.

Elle

I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me; I can handle anything.

Elle

I'm reading about the LSATs.

Serena

My cousin had that once. Apparently you get a really bad rash on your....

Elle

It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin.... to generic! All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".

Aye.

Warner Huntington III

You got into Harvard Law?

Elle

What? Like, it's hard?

Elle

So, if you don't know an answer, they're just gonna kick you out?

So, you have Stromwell, huh?

Elle

Yes. Did she do that to you, too?

No, but she did make me cry once.... not in class — I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah, she'll kick you right in the balls.... or wherever.

Professor Callahan

Would you rather have a client who committed a crime malum in se or malum prohibitum?

Elle

Neither.

Professor Callahan

And why's that?

Elle

I would rather have a client who's innocent.

Professor Callahan

Dare to dream, Miss Woods. Miss Kensington, which would you prefer?

Vivian

Malum prohibitum, because then the client would have committed a regulatory infraction as opposed to a dangerous crime.

Professor Callahan

Well done, Miss Kensington. It's obvious you've done your homework. Now, let's look at malum prohibitum a little more closely. It has been said-- [Elle raises her hand] Yes, Miss Woods?

Elle

I changed my mind. I'll take the dangerous one, because I'm not afraid of a challenge.

Vivian

Nice costume.

Elle

You, too. Except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

Elle

Don't ask.

Wasn't gonna.

I called your room last night; I was wondering if we could go out some time.

No.

Why?

Because you're a dork. Girls like me don't go out with guys like you.

Elle

Excuse me. [turns around and slaps David] Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together, and I haven't heard from you since.

I'm sorry?

Elle

Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?

Both?

Elle

Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.

So, when did you wanna go out?

Elle

Oh, Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?

Warner Huntington III

Uh, yeah.... [Vivian gives him an evil look] no.

Elle

Well, this is so much better than that! Excuse me; I have some shopping to do.

Vivian

Four hours, huh?

Elle

Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.

Paulette

Yeah, which must be a nice vacation for his balls.

Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.

Elle

These aren't last season.... [looks down, gasps, and runs back into court room] He's gay! Enrique is gay!

Elle

Warner, what kind of shoes are these?

Warner Huntington III

Um.... black ones.

Elle

Chutney, why is it that Tracy Marcinko's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?

Because they got wet.

Elle

Exactly. Because isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least twenty-four hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?

Yes.

Elle

And wouldn't somebody who's had, say, thirty perms before in their life be well aware of this rule? And if in fact, you weren't washing your hair, as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot? And if in fact, you had heard the gunshot, Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which would mean that you would have had to found Mrs. Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible. Isn't that right?

She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?

Elle

You, however, had time to hide the gun, didn't you, Chutney? After you shot your father.

I didn't mean to shoot him! [points at Brooke] I thought it was YOU walking through the door!

Order, order! Order!

Elle

Oh, my god.

Brooke

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Bailiff, take the witness into custody where she will be charged for the murder of Heyworth Windham. In the matter of The State vs. Brooke Windham, this case is dismissed. Mrs. Windham, you are free to go.
[Courtroom audience cheers. Guards grab Miss Windham by the arm and arrest her.]

Vivian

You know, I'm still shocked that you didn't give Callahan the alibi.

Elle

It wasn't my alibi to tell.

Vivian

I know, I thought that was very... classy of you.