ALL A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #


View Quote Chris D'Amico: What the hell, Mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?
Mrs. D'Amico: Yes. Yes I did, Christopher.
Chris D'Amico: That was the one with Kick-Ass!
Mrs. D'Amico: Ugh, Christopher! You've got to stop obsessing over this superhero!
Chris D'Amico: He is not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer! He blew Dad up with a bazooka, for heaven's sake!
Mrs. D'Amico: [making sign of the cross] Your father died in a fire.
Chris D'Amico: A fire?!! What is your problem?
Mrs. D'Amico: You! You are my problem! I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy. That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.
Chris D'Amico: A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch!
Mrs. D'Amico: This conversation is over!
Chris D'Amico: Great! Then, I'm leaving.
View Quote Colonel Stars and Stripes: [to Eisenhower] You have to stay in there till you calm down, you lunatic. Wonder what's bothering you.
Mother Russia: I know. Tonight you die.
Colonel Stars and Stripes: [draws gun] Ladies first.
Mother Russia: You will not shoot me. You are super hero. You help people. You do not hurt them.
The Mother****er: That's super villain territory or as I like to call my little gang, The Toxic Mega-****s.
The Tumor: [waves] Hi.
Colonel Stars and Stripes: [takes gun; clicks, Mother Russia realizes it's empty] Yeah, just like your head.
Genghis Carnage: [Mother Russia overpowers Colonel, pulls out a machete and stabs him] Yeah!
The Tumor: Ooh, that's gotta hurt. [Mother Russia uses Colonel's coat to wipe his blood off her blade]
The Mother****er: I did my homework on you, Colonel. You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born-again?
Colonel Stars and Stripes: [dying] I used to hangout with a lot of losers.
The Mother****er: Is this how you thought you would die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot?
Colonel Stars and Stripes: Who are you supposed to be?
The Mother****er: I'm the Mother ****er! And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him. I am going to shit on everything that he loved. Let's trash this place guys. [picks up mail statement]
The Mother****er: Miranda Swedlow. Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team? [googles her name and matches her with her face on the poster]
The Mother****er: Night Bitch. All snuggled up to Kick-Ass. Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket.
Mother Russia: Want me to kill his dog?
The Mother****er: The dog, Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil. Cut the old man's head off. You guys hungry? I'm starving. Let's go get some pizza.
Mother Russia: Don't worry, I kill you first. [wraps legs around Colonel's neck]
Colonel Stars and Stripes: Justice Forever... [snaps neck; dies]
View Quote Dave: [narrating] Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks.
Mindy: Come on, guard up! Left, right. Guard up!
Dave: [narrating] Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell. In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose.
View Quote Dave: I wanna team up, like Batman and Robin.
Mindy: Nobody wants to be Robin.
Dave: What's wrong with Robin? Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
Mindy: Robin wishes he was me.
Dave: What I'm trying to say is, we should be partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.
Mindy: I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play pee-wee.
Dave: So, train me. I wanna walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. Aren't you tired of being on your own? Don't you wanna know someone's there for you? Someone who's got your back?
[Pause]
Mindy: And you'll do anything I say?
Dave: Anything.
[Cut to Dave and Mindy in her training room]
Mindy: Hit me.
Dave: You're a fifteen-year-old girl... [Mindy slaps him] What the hell?
Mindy: Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.
Dave: Oh, God.
View Quote Javier: He's little, and he kills.
Chris: Right. Call him "The Tumor". Who's next?
Javier: Alright. We got an ex-Triad member, looking for work.
Chris: Easy! "Genghis Carnage"! Come on!
Javier: You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
Chris: Archetypes. Keep going.
Javier: Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah.
Chris: Wait, wait, wait, a chick? You're saying you hired a chick?
Javier: Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate.
Chris: "Mother Russia".
Javier: Mother Russia and Mother****er both on the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.
Chris: I am not asking for suggestions. Just get them costumes and get them ready. Javier, thank you. I couldn't do this without you. You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.
Javier: Not a problem, man. I got your back.
Chris: It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
Javier: Did you just call me your ****ing butler?
Chris: Yeah, is it not a compliment?
View Quote Kick-Ass: JUSTICE FOREVEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!
Battle Guy: Glad you got that out of your system.
View Quote Kick-Ass: What is wrong with you, dude? This is not a comic book, it's real-life! When you're dead, it's done! There's no sequel.
The Mother****er: You made this real. You started it! Now I'm gonna finish it. I'll be immortal, like an evil Jesus.
View Quote Kick-Ass: What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts?
The Mother****er: Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.
Kick-Ass: You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad."
The Mother****er: YOUR dad? You BLEW UP my dad with a BAZOOKA!
View Quote Mr. Lizewski: Dave, have you been sneaking out at night? Miss Neipert said she thought she saw you leaving at two in the morning.
Dave: Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad. She tried to teach her dog Spanish.
View Quote [Dave finds his father in his room, holding his crime-fighting gear and realises Dave is Kick-Ass]
Mr. Lizewski: Is this what you've been up to while I'm up working nights saving for your college? You've been dressing up and fighting people? There is blood on these stick things!
Dave: What are you doing in my room?
Mr. Lizewski: I was looking for drugs. I was worried about you.
Dave: Oh okay, good. Now you can stop.
Mr. Lizewski: No. Now I'm even more worried. Jesus, Dave, drugs would've been better. This is deranged.
Dave: Whoa, some people do a lot worse.
Mr. Lizewski: Oh, the people you hang out with?
Dave: No! The people I hang out with are superheroes.
Mr. Lizewski: There's no such thing, Dave. This is the real world with real consequences! When are you gonna grow up?
Dave: If it means turning into you, never. I don't wear the mask 'cause I'm ashamed of who I am! Not like you!
[Dave starts putting clothes in his backpack.]
Mr. Lizewski: What's that supposed to mean?
Dave: If you're not at work, you're here doing crunches. Why? So you can look like someone else? Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing? Your life has no meaning, Dad. When you're gone, who's gonna notice? [heads towards door]
Mr. Lizewski: Where the hell are you going?
Dave: Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up. [walks out the door, leaving his father distraught]
View Quote [Hit-Girl fights off a gang of thugs, she talks to one of them.]
Hit-Girl: If I ever catch you robbing again, shit-burger, I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with your life of crime?
Thug: I-I promise.
[The thug then pulls a knife, but Hit-Girl suddenly slices his hand off. He screams in pain.]
Hit-Girl: Pants on fire.
View Quote [about a bully who bumped into and threatened Dave at the school halls] Marty: Come on, forget it. It's just one of those dickheads that follows the Motherlover on Twitter.
Dave: Who?
Marty: The Mother****er, he's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain. He's got like a thousand followers already.
Dave: What an asshole.
View Quote Alright, time for initiation. Turn around and I'll unzip you.
View Quote Are you afraid you're not gonna grow into your big boy's pants?
View Quote Are you really that stupid? There's two of you and a whole army of us, Do you really have such a hard-on to die?