B Brooke
[as she and the other girls show up at night]
Yay, you made it.
B Brooke
This is to celebrate you.
B Brooke
What a total loser you are...and we ditch losers. Poor Mindy. What did you think? The cool kids saw something special in you and invited you to your first party where you'd sip your first beer and finally suck face for the first time? News flash: you're not special. [gets in Mindy's face] **** with the queen bee and you're gonna get stung. [she and the others leave with Simon, leaving Mindy devastated and alone]
Dolce Date ditch.
Harlow Party at my house!
B Brooke
Simon, you can drive us.
B Brooke
[to the other girls]
Well, if you really wanna be popular, consider two little words, "sex," "tape."
[Mindy shows up at the cafeteria in a pretty outfit by Brooke and the other girls]
Lois, you don't need these ass wounds. If I can dress like them, so can you. [she hands Lois the money] It's a gift...from some drug dealer who went missing.
B Brooke
Just because you dress like us doesn't mean you can be like one of us.
It doesn't matter what costume I wear, yours or mine, I'm a superhero. That's who I am. [she sits down]
B Brooke
Okay, Captain Muffin-Muncher, have fun playing make-believe.
This? This is all make-believe, Brooke. The reality is you're an evil bitch who's just as bad as the worst criminal scum. [the other girls realize what Mindy has said, and they stare at Brooke in shock]
B Brooke
[insulted]
You wanna get real, Mindy? In the real world, I win. I go to an awesome college, I marry a hot guy and I make adorable babies for my nanny to take care of while we vacay in Paris. My life is gonna rock, and yours is gonna suck. And no matter how slutty you dress, no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss that hole you call a mouth. So why don't you spare us all the whining and slit your wrists now? 'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my day is looking at your face one more second.
Harlow Told her.
Lois Damn.
B Brooke
[Mindy pulls out a device from her purse] [mocking in shock]
What's that? A ghetto cell phone? Gonna call for help with a come-back? [she and her friends giggle in disbelief]
Actually, my daddy bought this from a disgruntled DARPA employee. You see, it was designed for crowd control, but deemed too severe. It emits a pulse that creates spontaneous nausea and diarrhea. He called it "the sick stick."
B Brooke
Either your daddy got ripped off or you're back in make-believe land, sweetheart, because we feel fabulous.
Not for long. [she uses the device, touching Harlow, causing her to vomit, as Brooke and Lois scream in shock, and as she touches Lois, she vomits on Brooke's face, humiliating herself]
B Brooke
[in shock]
OH...MY...GOD!!!! [she gets up, attempting to leave, but immediately stops and turns to Mindy] You get away from me. Please, [smiles] you win.
[as Brooke's smile disappears]
I don't wanna win. I just want to make the world a better place. [she uses the device once more, and it touches Brooke, causing her to vomit. Everyone gasps in shock as they see Brooke regurgitating on both ends, vomiting and pooping. Mindy smiles slyly]
[After the cops get a phone call, they leave and two convicts show up in a prison cell in front of Mr. Lizewski] [looks at the convicts nervously, last words]
Can I help you?
Convict #1 [holds up a phone]
The Mother****er wants us to take a picture with you.
Marty [as he opens the front door, he and Dave enter the house]
It helps that my dad is a really good lawyer. Because I don't think my beautiful ass would last too long in prison. [Dave gets a message on his phone]
[checks his phone]
Whoa, that's weird. Chris D'Amico just texted me a picture.
Marty [surprised]
Red Mist? Whatever happened to that guy?
Marty [Dave stares at what he sees on his phone in shock, then drops his phone as it falls to the floor and looks at Marty] [notices Dave]
What is it? Dude, what's wrong?
[Dave doesn't answer and breaks down in tears on the floor in devastation. Marty picks up Dave's phone, then it shows a picture of Mr. Lizewski's dead body. A flashback shows him getting strangled to the prison bars and beaten up by the two convicts until he is finally killed with his body hung and the first convict takes a picture. The flashback ends and Marty turns off Dave's phone in disgust and shock. The scene changes to Dave at his dad's funeral along with policemen and his friends]
[narrating]
The next few days passed in a fog. It didn't matter that I told the police about Chris. They couldn't find him. The cops did show up at Dad's funeral, not out of respect, but because they were scared something would happen. My dad was a decent man. All he ever did was try and give me a good life, [a flashback is shown where Dave and Mr. Lizewski are hanging up a poster in Dave's room] and I told him no one would notice when he was gone.
[smiles]
I love you, pal. [the flashback ends and it cuts back to Dave at the funeral]
I love you too, dad. [then Dave tosses a handful of dirt into his Dad's grave]
What the hell, Mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?
DA Mrs. D'Amico
Yes. Yes I did, Christopher.
That was the one with Kick-Ass!
DA Mrs. D'Amico
Ugh, Christopher! You've got to stop obsessing over this superhero!
He is not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer! He blew Dad up with a bazooka, for heaven's sake!
DA Mrs. D'Amico
[making sign of the cross]
Your father died in a fire.
A fire?!! What is your problem?
DA Mrs. D'Amico
You! You are my problem! I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy. That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.
A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch!
DA Mrs. D'Amico
This conversation is over!
Great! Then, I'm leaving.
[to Eisenhower]
You have to stay in there till you calm down, you lunatic. Wonder what's bothering you.
MR Mother Russia
I know. Tonight you die.
[draws gun]
Ladies first.
MR Mother Russia
You will not shoot me. You are super hero. You help people. You do not hurt them.
ME The Mother****er
That's super villain territory or as I like to call my little gang, The Toxic Mega-****s.
The Tumor [waves]
Hi.
[takes gun; clicks, Mother Russia realizes it's empty]
Yeah, just like your head.
Genghis Carnage [Mother Russia overpowers Colonel, pulls out a machete and stabs him]
Yeah!
The Tumor Ooh, that's gotta hurt. [Mother Russia uses Colonel's coat to wipe his blood off her blade]
ME The Mother****er
I did my homework on you, Colonel. You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born-again?
[dying]
I used to hangout with a lot of losers.
ME The Mother****er
Is this how you thought you would die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot?
Who are you supposed to be?
ME The Mother****er
I'm the Mother ****er! And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him. I am going to shit on everything that he loved. Let's trash this place guys. [picks up mail statement]
ME The Mother****er
Miranda Swedlow. Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team? [googles her name and matches her with her face on the poster]
ME The Mother****er
Night Bitch. All snuggled up to Kick-Ass. Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket.
MR Mother Russia
Want me to kill his dog?
ME The Mother****er
The dog, Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil. Cut the old man's head off. You guys hungry? I'm starving. Let's go get some pizza.
MR Mother Russia
Don't worry, I kill you first. [wraps legs around Colonel's neck]
Justice Forever... [snaps neck; dies]
[narrating]
Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks.
Come on, guard up! Left, right. Guard up!
[narrating]
Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell. In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose.
I wanna team up, like Batman and Robin.
Nobody wants to be Robin.
What's wrong with Robin? Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
What I'm trying to say is, we should be partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.
I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play pee-wee.
So, train me. I wanna walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. Aren't you tired of being on your own? Don't you wanna know someone's there for you? Someone who's got your back?
[Pause]
And you'll do anything I say?
[Cut to Dave and Mindy in her training room]
Hit me.
You're a fifteen-year-old girl... [Mindy slaps him] What the hell?
Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.
Javier He's little, and he kills.
Right. Call him "The Tumor". Who's next?
Javier Alright. We got an ex-Triad member, looking for work.
Easy! "Genghis Carnage"! Come on!
Javier You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
Javier Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, a chick? You're saying you hired a chick?
Javier Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate.
Javier Mother Russia and Mother****er both on the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.
I am not asking for suggestions. Just get them costumes and get them ready. Javier, thank you. I couldn't do this without you. You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.
Javier Not a problem, man. I got your back.
It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
Javier Did you just call me your **** butler?
Yeah, is it not a compliment?
What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts?
ME The Mother****er
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.
You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad."
ME The Mother****er
YOUR dad? You BLEW UP my dad with a BAZOOKA!
[Dave finds his father in his room, holding his crime-fighting gear and realises Dave is Kick-Ass]
Is this what you've been up to while I'm up working nights saving for your college? You've been dressing up and fighting people? There is blood on these stick things!
What are you doing in my room?
I was looking for drugs. I was worried about you.
Oh okay, good. Now you can stop.
No. Now I'm even more worried. Jesus, Dave, drugs would've been better. This is deranged.
Whoa, some people do a lot worse.
Oh, the people you hang out with?
No! The people I hang out with are superheroes.
There's no such thing, Dave. This is the real world with real consequences! When are you gonna grow up?
If it means turning into you, never. I don't wear the mask 'cause I'm ashamed of who I am! Not like you!
[Dave starts putting clothes in his backpack.]
What's that supposed to mean?
If you're not at work, you're here doing crunches. Why? So you can look like someone else? Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing? Your life has no meaning, Dad. When you're gone, who's gonna notice? [heads towards door]
Where the hell are you going?
Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up. [walks out the door, leaving his father distraught]
[Hit-Girl fights off a gang of thugs, she talks to one of them.]
If I ever catch you robbing again, shit-burger, I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with your life of crime?
[The thug then pulls a knife, but Hit-Girl suddenly slices his hand off. He screams in pain.]
Pants on fire.
Marty [about a bully who bumped into and threatened Dave at the school halls]
Come on, forget it. It's just one of those dickheads that follows the Motherlover on Twitter.
Marty The Mother****er, he's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain. He's got like a thousand followers already.
