Ian [to camera crew]
Where's Brian? Brian, let's go. Come on. Come, come, come.
[she and Michael kiss]
Mmm. I missed you. You never called me.
Ian We're here, but we're not "here," okay? Try to think of us as, uh, furniture.
Just act natural. So, did you miss me, darling?
My pieces in the show were such a hit that Ian-- Michael Cromwell, this is Ian Finch-Chumley.
Ian Hi, Michael.
He's doing a profile on me for the Fashion Channel. He'll be following me from now through the spring collection, and he'll be covering the wedding as well. Isn't that fabulous?
[confused]
There's a-- There's a Fashion Channel?
Ian [scoffs]
Yeah.
[uses finger to turn Michael's head]
Forget the camera. Just talk to me. They're furniture. Now, honey, did you get everything settled?
Actually, um, actually...Patricia was, was very reasonable.
So... what did you bring me?
C Cameraman
[Michael pushes cameraman down]
Ow!
[with cigarette]
Look at me. I'm smoking.
Ian The rainforest is a very hot issue. Being associated with this, uh, jungle bloke, it can only help you.
Ian Brian, find out where the rainforest is.
[sees Mimi Siku and gasps]
Oh!
Mimi Siku, this is Charlotte, and, uh, Charlotte, this is Mimi Siku.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mimi Siki.
This your female, Baboon?
And as his female, I'd like to invite you to dinner tonight with Fiona Gluckman. She's the fashion editor of Elle magazine. Very major. [to Michael] She wants to see the sketches for my wedding trousseau. [to Mimi] And if you're available, I'd love for you to join us. Is there anything special you like to eat?
Great earrings. [spots Mimi attempting to urinate in potted plant; shocked gasp] Honey!
[runs over to Mimi]
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Mimi, Mimi, Mimi. Do you remember what we talked about, using the toilet on the airplane? Let's continue to do that. [to Charlotte] I will find the men's room for him, and we will see you tonight. [to Mimi] Come on, Mimi.
Will he be wearing the loin cloth to dinner?
I'll get him some clothes.
[on phone; laughing]
Oh, that's very good. Very-- [to Michael] Bob Montgomery. [to Bob Motgomery] That's wonderful. Listen. So, Bob, I'm standing with Michael Cromwell, and, you know, considering our long history together, you're the first person we wanna make this offer to. Are you ready? 5,100 tons of coffee beans. [Bob Motgomery guffaws and hangs up on Richard as Mimi walks on the exterier ledge of window] We're dead. Okay?
[knocks on window]
Baboon!
L Louis
He's doing a Fay Wray! [he faints]
Statue of Liberty, Baboon.
Ian Get this!
No, no, no! Come back here! Mimi, Get back in here.
Ian [to Charlotte]
Life happens around you!
Move. Get outta my way. Come on. Mimi! Watch out, watch out, watch out. Mimi! Mimi!
Ian Get the wide-angle lens!
Get out of the way, please! Mimi! Wait, wait, wait! [starts walking out of window]
[to Charlotte]
To him it's like a pet.
No, no, no. A dog is a pet, Michael. A cat is a pet! Although for your son, a cat is a dietary supplement as well!
We'll just keep him out on the balcony.
How do you know it hasn't already laid eggs in the apartment?
I'll have the place fumigated.
[rhetorically]
What if they miss one and it grows up and crawls into my ear while I'm sleeping one night, and lays its eggs in my brain?
[sarcastically]
We'll have to have them come back and spray again.
[angrily]
This is serious, Michael; We have to move!
[annoyed]
You're blowing this out way of proportion.
[opens door; to Ian]
Ian, great. I've really missed you.
Ian Is Charlotte all right? Look, if something dramatic has happened, it should be on film.
[appears in foyer]
I have a shoot tomorrow which I was unable to prepare for, because I was trapped in the bathroom all day by his son's pet spider. So, I'll be spending the night at the loft to make up for lost time.
Ian So, the appearance of little Mowgli is straining the relationship?
Ian, you're furniture, and furniture doesn't talk.
Furniture may not talk, Michael, but it listens, better than you do. I'm an artist, Michael. You look at something and see what it is. I look at something and see what it can be... [elevator bell dings and the door opens] ...and who can wear it. [she leaves]
Charlie, I got a great idea. What do you say you and I get the hell outta here? Tomorrow. Just the two of us. Head out to our favorite spa, that big suite. Get to know each other again?
Ian [cuts the scene short]
Uh, that's not good for me, darling.
Ian I really want to film all that, but I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this weekend. You know much my bloody back affects my work.
Oh, I know. We could do it a week Friday.
Well, whatever's good for Ian.
I suggest a following Wednesday.
Ian Wednesdays are good.
