Michael
Come on, come on, come on.
Patricia
[Holds a plate of a dark paste to Michael]
Hungry?
Michael
I am starving. [takes plate and reacts in extreme disgust] Ohhh.
Patricia
It's yellow-eared bat, a Pinare specialty. It's made from the bladder.
Michael
Oh, bat bladder. [digusted] Holy Kaopectate, I don't think so.
Patricia
[gives bat bladder to villager and briefly speaks Pinare]
You might prefer the kara toka.
Michael
Yeah, right.
Patricia
Chicken.
Michael
I would prefer that. Thanks. Ready. Okay, okay. Excuse me. [to Pinare kid throwing rocks] Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Patricia
Michael, I have to talk to you.
Michael
Patricia, let's not, okay?
Patricia
There's something that you don't know.
Michael
Yeah, like why you left me.
Patricia
Because of the fifth phone line.
Michael
What is that supposed to mean?
Patricia
One morning some guy showed up at our apartment to install a fifth phone line. He asked if I was the receptionist. And I realized that I had lost you somehow. So, I packed my things, and I left you alone. I figured you'd be happier that way.
Michael
You thought this would make me happy?
Patricia
How long before you noticed I was gone?
Michael
Why didn't you talk to me?
Patricia
Talk to you? I spent six months telling you I was unhappy.
Michael
It was a crazy time for me. I just started working at L.T.G. I had a straddled position in sugar.
Patricia
[sighs]
Michael.
Michael
The price went up, it skyrocketed...
Patricia
Michael!
Michael
...I'm shorted--
Patricia
Michael!
Michael
What?!
Patricia
It's very hard for me to tell you this, so please listen.
Michael
Well, what choice do I have? I'm stuck here with you and the Village People... till you celebrate Banana-fana-fo-fana.
AW Attractive woman on computer
Hello, you.
Michael
Excuse me. The real world calls. [walks to computer and hums]
AW Attractive woman on computer
Hello, you. [Michael types on his laptop]
Patricia
What I'm trying to say is that...
Michael
Look, I was right. I was right!
Patricia
...I wasn't exactly alone when I left you.
Michael
[puts hand in ear to block her voice]
97¼?
Patricia
Michael. Michael.
Michael
I'm with ya. Coffee has gone crazy.
Patricia
I didn't know it at the time, but I was...
Michael
97¼, 97, 97. Am I greedy? I'm feeling pretty greedy.
Patricia
...pregnant with your son.
Michael
I'm gonna wait till 97½. 'Cause it's gonna happen. Waitin'. Papa is waitin'. Come to Papa, come to Papa. [Patricia walks away] 97½, 97½. Sold for a tidy $300,000 profit. God, it's good to be good! [to Pinare Man] What'd she say?
PM Pinare Man
Hello, you.
Michael
[walking after her]
Patricia-- ["Confirm transmission!" appears on laptop screen] All right, Patricia. What did I do?
Patricia
I just told you that you had a son, and you didn't even hear me.
Michael
What are you talking about? What son?
Patricia
Your son. [points to Mimi Siku] The boy sitting next to the fire over there is your son.
Michael
[pointing to Mimi Siku]
That is my son?
Patricia
I must have started a thousand letters to tell you, but every one of them started with, "I know you never wanted children."
Michael
This is nuts. This is nuts. This is unbelievable.
Patricia
I was confused--
Michael
You know what you just said to me?! This is unforgivable!
Patricia
I'm not asking you to forgive me, but he didn't do anything, so don't blame him.
Michael
That's my son?
Patricia
[nods her head]
His name is Mimi Siku.
Michael
His name is what?
Patricia
Mimi Siku.
Michael
Mimi Siku.
Patricia
Roughly translated, it means... "Cat Piss."
Michael
He picked the name "Cat Piss"?
Patricia
He was six years old at the time. It's a territorial thing.
Michael
You sure he's mine?
Patricia
Positive. He's got your nose, and he thinks he's never wrong.
Michael
No, no, no! Get away! No-no-no, don't touch that! Don't touch that! No, don't touch that! Huh? [laptop shuts down due to low battery power] Ohhh. [holds up power cord] You wouldn't happen to have a place where I could stick that, would you?
PM Pinare man
Hello, you.
Patricia
[she picks off a beetle crawling on Michael while asleep]
Michael. [Michael wakes up, yells in shock, and falls out hammock] You all right?
Michael
Yes. You should put air bags in these things. [covers his face from the blinding sunlight] What do you call this place again? The Surface of the Sun?!
Patricia
Mimi said that you talked to him last night.
Michael
[takes off dirty shirt]
I told him that I was his father, and, uh, he said something in Indian, and then he gave a girl a pot.
Patricia
Giving a pot here is like giving flowers. It's a love gift. He's very popular with the girls.
Michael
Maybe he is mine after all.
Patricia
He is yours. Why don't you try again? He's going out on the river. Go with him.
Michael
Maybe I can teach him about commodities. Based on what I learned in the bachelor hut last night, he could make a killing in gas futures.
Patricia
Go.
Michael
Is it the local fruit?
PC Pinare children
[Michael is at the Fanentaeyou celebration] [Running past Michael]
Baboon! Baboon!
Patricia
[to Michael, referring to turtle hanging from belt]
Nice turtle.
PC Pinare children
Baboon! Baboon!
Patricia
The hair on your chest reminds them of a monkey. "Baboon" is your Pinare name.
Michael
Baboon? That's the best they could come up with?
Patricia
At first, they wanted to go with "Man Who Must Be Smarter Than He Looks."
Michael
If we get to pick our own names, I'd like to pick this: "Man Who's Extremely Well-Endowed."
Patricia
Sorry. It's already taken. [points to man surrounded by women, and the man thanks Patricia in Pinare]
Michael
[Pinare chief talks to the forest in Pinare]
What's he sayin' to them?
Patricia
The chief is telling the forest that Mimi's no longer a child.
Michael
[Pinare chief announces to tribe and holds up still smoldering branch from the campfire to Mimi holds onto the branch for a few moments then he lets go to cheers from the village, who repeatedly chant "Mimi Siku!"]
Are they finished?
Patricia
Almost. But to become a tribal leader someday, Mimi has to perform a special task that the chief will give to him. He says he's very proud of Mimi Siku, and, as his father, you should be too.
Michael
Well, I am very proud of him, considering the fact that I just found out a couple days ago I had a son, and I'm standing about four feet from a witch doctor. [the Witch doctor speaks to Michael in Pinare and Michael hisses at him; chief talks about Mimi's task, and the villagers cheer in agreement]
Patricia
The chief has given Mimi the task of bringing fire back from the Statue of Liberty.
Michael
[chuckles]
Guy doesn't kid around, does he?
Mimi
You promised to take me to New York when I become a man, Baboon.
Michael
And when you're a man, I will.
Patricia
In this tribe, he is a man, and he wants to go now?
Michael
No-no-no-no-no-no-no. Tomorrow, we fly to Caracas, we sign the divorce papers, then I get in a big, steel bird and fly back to New York City.
Mimi
Yakuza.
Patricia
Did you promise to take him or not?
Michael
Maybe. Mimi Siku, I have to be back on the exchange floor. I'm gettin' married. I cannot take you tomorrow.
Patricia
Here, if you make a promise, you keep it. "Tomorrow," "Can't," "Maybe." These words don't mean anything to Mimi. He doesn't understand them.
Michael
It's not my fault he doesn't understand. You're his mom, you brought him down here to live with the Pirates of the Caribbean. Maybe you should have taught him better English.
Patricia
This is the most important day in your son's life, and he wanted you here to share it with him. And now, you're going to humiliate him in front of the whole tribe by not keeping the first promise you ever made to him?
Mimi
Baboon, I-- I want to go.
Michael
Mimi Siku, I am-- I'm very sorry.
Mimi
You made wakatepe with me. [Mimi turns and walks away past tribe]
F Fiona
[Michael, Mimi and Charlotte are at Fiona's apartment]
Oh, my God! Oh, Charlie, this is fabulous!
Michael
Mimi, get down.
Charlotte
[referring to sketches]
When I saw the shoulders on this gown, I plotzed. I said to myself, "Fiona, this, this is the future of fashion."
Michael
[Michael and Mimi are setting the table]
Oh, no. Remember what I told ya? Forks go on the left side. This side. Small fork on the outside. Take your Knife, put it over next to the spoon. The blade-- Blade in. Perfect. Yeah. Might wanna work on that one too.
Mimi
In Lipo Lipo, we eat with hands.
Michael
In New York, New York, we eat with forks.
Mimi
When are we gonna eat? I'm famished. [snorts]
Charlotte
A little champagne? Gino, why don't you show her the bridesmaids sketches?
F Fiona
Show me, show me, show me, show me. Oh, I'm loving this. [sniffs] Ah!
Charlotte
What is taking so long with the food?
Michael
I'll give them a call.
F Fiona
I don't eat meat, I don't eat dairy or nightshade vegetables, and, of course, I don't touch preservatives.
Michael
[under his breath]
Obviously. [Charlotte kicks him] Mmh!
Mimi
[to Fiona]
Cat fat.
Mimi
We eat cat.
F Fiona
Excuse me? [doorbell rings]
Patricia
That must be the food.
Patricia
Gino, Louis.
Patricia
[slowly picks up the Coco]
We are not going to eat the cat.
Mimi
Cat's job, feed people.
Michael
No, not here. Here, cat's job is to sleep and lick crotch.
F Fiona
Oh, Charlie, it smells so good! I can't stand it! Of course, this is much too much for me. Did they forget my tiramisu? [they arrive in kitchen and Mimi is squatting on table eating cat food; gasps in shock] Oh, God!
Mimi
This much tasty. Your female makes good food, Baboon.
L Louis
Ohh! [faints again]
G Gino
[to Louis]
Oh, Louis, you are such a cliché.
Charlotte
[Fiona starts gagging and Charlotte puts hand on Fiona's mouth and leads her away and Michael stares at Mimi with a "You should know better." look with Mimi looking confused]
You had no right to change the rules.
Michael
What rules?
Charlotte
When we talked about having children, we agreed that you would be my child and that I would be your child, and now I find out that you've had a child all along.
Michael
Wait a second. Are you saying that I knew that I had a child?
Charlotte
Well, if I had a child, I certainly would have known.
Michael
Hello! You're a woman. Of course you'd know. You're there when you have it. Look, there's no magical bond between a father and son that spans the continents. The only reason I know I have a child is because you insisted I go down to the Amazon to finalize the divorce.
Charlotte
Oh, so, now you're saying that you having a child is my fault? I don't think so, Michael.
Michael
Mimi's just visiting. I wanna show him a good time. After that, he goes back home, and we can go back to being the way we were. Entirely wrapped up in ourselves.
Charlotte
Promise?
