Charlotte Michael, you're back!
[to camera crew]
Where's Brian? Brian, let's go. Come on. Come, come, come.
Charlotte [she and Michael kiss]
Mmm. I missed you. You never called me.
We're here, but we're not "here," okay? Try to think of us as, uh, furniture.
Charlotte Just act natural. So, did you miss me, darling?
Charlotte My pieces in the show were such a hit that Ian-- Michael Cromwell, this is Ian Finch-Chumley.
Charlotte He's doing a profile on me for the Fashion Channel. He'll be following me from now through the spring collection, and he'll be covering the wedding as well. Isn't that fabulous?
[confused]
There's a-- There's a Fashion Channel?
Charlotte [uses finger to turn Michael's head]
Forget the camera. Just talk to me. They're furniture. Now, honey, did you get everything settled?
Charlotte Yes! Oh!
Actually, um, actually...Patricia was, was very reasonable.
Charlotte So... what did you bring me?
C Cameraman
[Michael pushes cameraman down]
Ow!
Charlotte [with cigarette]
Look at me. I'm smoking.
The rainforest is a very hot issue. Being associated with this, uh, jungle bloke, it can only help you.
Charlotte Where's the rain forest?
Brian, find out where the rainforest is.
Charlotte [sees Mimi Siku and gasps]
Oh!
Mimi Siku, this is Charlotte, and, uh, Charlotte, this is Mimi Siku.
Charlotte It's a pleasure to meet you, Mimi Siki.
Charlotte Mimi Siku.
This your female, Baboon?
Charlotte And as his female, I'd like to invite you to dinner tonight with Fiona Gluckman. She's the fashion editor of Elle magazine. Very major. [to Michael] She wants to see the sketches for my wedding trousseau. [to Mimi] And if you're available, I'd love for you to join us. Is there anything special you like to eat?
Charlotte Lizard guts?
Charlotte Great earrings. [spots Mimi attempting to urinate in potted plant; shocked gasp] Honey!
[runs over to Mimi]
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Mimi, Mimi, Mimi. Do you remember what we talked about, using the toilet on the airplane? Let's continue to do that. [to Charlotte] I will find the men's room for him, and we will see you tonight. [to Mimi] Come on, Mimi.
Charlotte Will he be wearing the loin cloth to dinner?
I'll get him some clothes.
F Fiona
[Michael, Mimi and Charlotte are at Fiona's apartment]
Oh, my God! Oh, Charlie, this is fabulous!
Charlotte [referring to sketches]
When I saw the shoulders on this gown, I plotzed. I said to myself, "Fiona, this, this is the future of fashion."
[Michael and Mimi are setting the table]
Oh, no. Remember what I told ya? Forks go on the left side. This side. Small fork on the outside. Take your Knife, put it over next to the spoon. The blade-- Blade in. Perfect. Yeah. Might wanna work on that one too.
In Lipo Lipo, we eat with hands.
In New York, New York, we eat with forks.
When are we gonna eat? I'm famished. [snorts]
Charlotte A little champagne? Gino, why don't you show her the bridesmaids sketches?
F Fiona
Show me, show me, show me, show me. Oh, I'm loving this. [sniffs] Ah!
Charlotte What is taking so long with the food?
F Fiona
I don't eat meat, I don't eat dairy or nightshade vegetables, and, of course, I don't touch preservatives.
[under his breath]
Obviously. [Charlotte kicks him] Mmh!
F Fiona
Excuse me? [doorbell rings]
[slowly picks up the Coco]
We are not going to eat the cat.
No, not here. Here, cat's job is to sleep and lick crotch.
F Fiona
Oh, Charlie, it smells so good! I can't stand it! Of course, this is much too much for me. Did they forget my tiramisu? [they arrive in kitchen and Mimi is squatting on table eating cat food; gasps in shock] Oh, God!
This much tasty. Your female makes good food, Baboon.
L Louis
Ohh! [faints again]
G Gino
[to Louis]
Oh, Louis, you are such a cliché.
Charlotte [Fiona starts gagging and Charlotte puts hand on Fiona's mouth and leads her away and Michael stares at Mimi with a "You should know better." look with Mimi looking confused]
You had no right to change the rules.
Charlotte When we talked about having children, we agreed that you would be my child and that I would be your child, and now I find out that you've had a child all along.
Wait a second. Are you saying that I knew that I had a child?
Charlotte Well, if I had a child, I certainly would have known.
Hello! You're a woman. Of course you'd know. You're there when you have it. Look, there's no magical bond between a father and son that spans the continents. The only reason I know I have a child is because you insisted I go down to the Amazon to finalize the divorce.
Charlotte Oh, so, now you're saying that you having a child is my fault? I don't think so, Michael.
Mimi's just visiting. I wanna show him a good time. After that, he goes back home, and we can go back to being the way we were. Entirely wrapped up in ourselves.
Charlotte Promise?
FW French woman
[in the morning, Mimi is lounging on balcony watching a French woman feeding pigeons]
My little darlings. Ah. Ooh. Are your little bellies empty? Oh. Bonjour. Ah. Bonjour. We are all so happy today, n'est-ce pas? [Mimi shoots a pigeon out of the French woman's hand, and the woman screams and cries]
What's goin' on up here? [to Mimi] Did you-- [brings Mimi inside] Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go! Go! Mimi, you can't do this! You do not kill birds around here for breakfast! If you're hungry, ask me. I bought some stuff for you. This is what kids love. [holds up cereal box] Cap'n Crunch.
This is cereal! [reading the ingredients on side of cereal box] It's just corn, brown sugar, yellow #5 and zinc oxide? They've added a sunblock to it. You pour this on this, and that's your breakfast. Enjoy yourself. [in Charlotte's bedroom] Charlie. Come on. Wake up, sweetheart. Wake up. Charlie. Bloomingdale's burned down.
Charlotte [wakes up with a snort]
What?
Mimi's having breakfast out in the kitchen. I will be home before lunch. Bye.
Charlotte Wait. I can't watch him. Women's Wear is coming to the loft.
You don't need to baby-sit him. He'll be fine. Now go back to sleep.
Charlotte Mmm.
Mimi, I gotta get goin' here. [Mimi has poured the cereal and milk on the counter] No. No! This isn't-- No. No, it's not your fault. I didn't mention that you usually put this in a bowl.
When we go to Statue of Liberty?
I know I told you we were going today, but I can't today. I-I-- The Baboon's makin' some very big trades today.
Baboon go alone. I'd like to be around you, but, but I'm obligated to go.
Obligated. It means... when you do something that you don't really wanna do.
And will you promise Baboon one thing? You won't shoot any more animals? And don't eat the cat. I'll bring food home.
Michael's Voice on Answering Machine: Hi, we're not here right now. Leave a message. We'll call you right back. [machine beeps]
Charlie. Pick up. It's me. You're probably in the bathroom, making yourself look beautiful. Um, I don't want you feelin' trapped by Mimi. Try to open up to him. Just don't leave him alone with the cat. I'll see you soon. I love you. Bye.
Charlotte [spots Matika crawling on a wall next to the door and screams]
Michael, don't hang up! Don't hang up! There's a spider! [screams and fights off Matika from under door with toothbrush] This can't be happening! This is a penthouse apartment!
[Michael and Mimi arrive back at Charlotte's apartment]
Pretty cool. I haven't danced like that since I was a little kid. Oh. You'll get used to those shoes. Huh? Here. Why don't you give her the flowers? [calling to Charlotte] Charlie, how'd that interview go? You home, Charlie?
Charlotte Michael, I'm in here!
Charlotte Michael, I've been in this bathroom for hours!
Make sure you open a window!
Charlotte Michael! I'm being attacked by a giant spider!
[sees Matika]
Oh! I can see it! Move away from the door! Move away from the door! [to Mimi] Grab this thing. Come on. Come on.
Charlotte Do something!
I'm doing something. I'm gonna fight it. Stay away from the door! Look at that. Oh, it's a big one! It's a big one!
Charlotte Be careful!
I'm gonna put it in the wastebasket. Don't come out here yet. It's still moving. [to Mimi] Put the thing back in its box.
Charlotte What?
You bad girl, Matika. [putting Matika in clam basket] Stay here.
[to Charlotte]
To him it's like a pet.
Charlotte No, no, no. A dog is a pet, Michael. A cat is a pet! Although for your son, a cat is a dietary supplement as well!
We'll just keep him out on the balcony.
Charlotte How do you know it hasn't already laid eggs in the apartment?
I'll have the place fumigated.
Charlotte [rhetorically]
What if they miss one and it grows up and crawls into my ear while I'm sleeping one night, and lays its eggs in my brain?
[sarcastically]
We'll have to have them come back and spray again.
Charlotte [angrily]
This is serious, Michael; We have to move!
[annoyed]
You're blowing this out way of proportion.
Charlotte [shocked]
Oh!
[opens door; to Ian]
Ian, great. I've really missed you.
Is Charlotte all right? Look, if something dramatic has happened, it should be on film.
Charlotte [appears in foyer]
I have a shoot tomorrow which I was unable to prepare for, because I was trapped in the bathroom all day by his son's pet spider. So, I'll be spending the night at the loft to make up for lost time.
So, the appearance of little Mowgli is straining the relationship?
Ian, you're furniture, and furniture doesn't talk.
Charlotte Furniture may not talk, Michael, but it listens, better than you do. I'm an artist, Michael. You look at something and see what it is. I look at something and see what it can be... [elevator bell dings and the door opens] ...and who can wear it. [she leaves]
Charlotte [puts bracelet around Charlotte's wrist]
And this is supposed to be a bribe?
Charlotte It's pretty effective.
Charlotte And I'll change into something more comfortable.
[playing around with a blowgun, he accidentally shoots Coco the cat; gasps as Coco falls asleep while purring]
Huh? [Coco meows and falls to the floor] [imitating Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor; grunting] Oh, no! [normal voice] Oh, girl. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. [sits on the couch] That was an accident. [picks up Coco] Come here. Come on. Ooh. Oh. Oh. [pulls sleeping dart out of Coco] Ah. Coco, Coco. Come on. Coco? Coco?
Charlotte Michael, I was thinking about taking tomorrow morning off.
[frantically puts Coco on his lap and pets Coco]
Yes, that-- Oh, that's a great idea, whatever you'd like to do. 'Cause then it would-- It would be just you and me, wouldn't it? [holds up Coco] Coco? Coco, Coco. [Coco's head falls back, and Michael pulls Coco forward] Here. Snap out of it. [sprinkles water in Coco's face] Come on. Come on, Coco. You're killin' me. Wake up. Coco! What's that? It's a mouse! Go get it! [drops Coco, who lands on the floor] Oh. [holds up Coco with head and arms splaying backwards] Coco, Coco, Coco. Coco? Coco?
Charlotte [at Charlotte's apartment]
Now where is this champagne?
[runs into kitchen, while making meowing sounds, and dumps Coco behind kitchen counter]
Let's go in the kitchen. You're so feisty today.
Charlotte It's nice to see you and Coco getting along so well.
She's so fast! What do you say we take the champagne and drink it in the bedroom?
[sitting on the couch]
Boy, Coco, you slept like a log last night. Charlie?
Charlotte Hmm?
How would you feel about Mimi being in the wedding?
Charlotte I thought he was gonna be gone by then. [Michael's cell phone] Remember, it's just you and me.
[gets his cell phone]
I remember.
Charlotte No business, no Mimi.
[on the phone talking to Richard]
What is it, Richard? I can't-- Stop, stop, stop, stop. What? Oh, my God. [puts hand on face and reels back] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Don't panic, please.
Charlotte [walks out of restroom and bedroom]
Now should we go out for breakfast, or do you think we should stay in? [sees empty couch] Michael?
Charlie, I got a great idea. What do you say you and I get the hell outta here? Tomorrow. Just the two of us. Head out to our favorite spa, that big suite. Get to know each other again?
[cuts the scene short]
Uh, that's not good for me, darling.
Charlotte Me, neither.
I really want to film all that, but I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this weekend. You know much my bloody back affects my work.
Charlotte Oh, I know. We could do it a week Friday.
Charlotte It's good for Ian.
Well, whatever's good for Ian.
Charlotte I suggest a following Wednesday.
