Irving Zisman My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.
Most-quoted character in Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013): in 27 of its 33 quotes
Most scenes with: Billy (6)
I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure! [Chuckles]
More lines from Irving Zisman
11 quotes Irving Zisman Irving Zisman [While making a ham sandwich in the store]
Now, let's get some damn mustard.
Irving Zisman [To Billy at the diner]
I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa. [Farts]
Irving Zisman I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.
Irving Zisman Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!
Irving Zisman [About his deceased wife]
She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!
Irving Zisman [To a fast-food outlet employee]
We need some chickens and a big side of poontang! [Laughs]
Irving Zisman [Upon hearing his wife had died]
Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!
Irving Zisman You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic.
Irving Zisman Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.
Irving Zisman I love chocolate! He's harder than a horseshoe!
Scenes with Irving Zisman
15 scenes
Bicycle man
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
Irving Zisman Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!
Irving Zisman You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
Woman #1
No.
Irving Zisman Seventy-five dollars.
Woman #2
What's so special about it?
Irving Zisman It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying? [Chuckles]
Irving Zisman [Turns to Billy]
I don't shit myself, you little prick!
Irving Zisman [Rubbing up against an African American male stripper]
I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?
Male Stripper
Man, what the ****?!
Irving Zisman [To a woman]
You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went; "ow..." it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went; "ow...", but one time. It's all cleared up now, though. Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
Bingo Woman #1
Oh, okay.
Irving Zisman Alright. Just to prove to you I don't have anything , ladies, I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice on my schmeckle right now.
Bingo Woman #2
Oh my god!
Irving Zisman Okay. Watch this. Watch this. Here it goes. Here it goes! Nothing. Nothing. I got nothing. That is free advertising right there. It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though, I'll tell you that. That's just between us girls. I'm gonna have to have that checked out.
[While pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street]
You shouldn't drink so much.
Irving Zisman Pipe down! [Moans] Oh, God...
Irving Zisman [Mumbling]
Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
Irving Zisman Why are you shaking your head?
Chuck
'Cause this is real bad timing right now for me and I'm having some problems with my business right now.
Irving Zisman Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?
Chuck
I sell computers!
Irving Zisman Sells com... he couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.
Irving Zisman ['"About a girl Billy knew]
Was she your girlfriend?
Yeah...
Irving Zisman How long did you go out with her?
A day.
Irving Zisman [Bursts out laughing]
A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!
Woman
[Gently]
Oh dear, that's very sad.
Irving Zisman Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
Woman
[Gasps]
Jeez. My goodness!
Irving Zisman Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
Irving Zisman [After putting his dead wife in his trunk]
Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...
James
[Walks away]
Come on, man! Are you serious?
Irving Zisman [Continues with his prayer]
In your name we pray. Amen.
Did you just toot, grandpa?
Irving Zisman That was a church house creeper.
Wanna see how red I can get my face?
Irving Zisman [Laughs]
Yeah. Stop stop stop. Oh my god, that was redder than a ape's ass.
Watch your mouth.
Irving Zisman Oh sorry. That was redder than a ape's tuchus.
George Prisco
I'm about to whip you, mother****er. Up your ass, bro.
Irving Zisman You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get your doober! Oh. Oh. I got your doober! I got your doober! [Pretends to eat his nose] I ate your doober.
George Prisco
You shouldn't be **** driving anyway! You're **** 85 years old!
Irving Zisman I got his doober!
George Prisco
Thank god that wasn't a human being.
Irving Zisman I got his doober and he's mad!
George Prisco
Listen to me, you're going to fix that penguin, bro. Whether you like it or not, believe me, you're gonna fix it.
Irving Zisman Nope. I mean if I was fixing it, you'd see me fixing it, but... I'm not fixing it. [Long pause] Did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?
Irving Zisman Oh, here she is!
Woman
Here I am. You wanna buy some 22s?
Irving Zisman What are 22s?
Woman
You wish you was 22.
Irving Zisman They look like 36Ds to me.
Woman
No.
Irving Zisman No? 36 full Cs.
Woman
22s, that's what they are!
