Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013) quotes

33 total quotes

Billy – Jackson Nicoll
Irving Zisman – Johnny Knoxville

View Quote Bicycle man: Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
Irving Zisman: Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!

View Quote Billy: Did you just toot, grandpa?
Irving Zisman: That was a church house creeper.

View Quote Billy: Wanna see how red I can get my face?
Irving Zisman: [Laughs] Yeah. Stop stop stop. Oh my god, that was redder than a ape's ass.
Billy: Watch your mouth.
Irving Zisman: Oh sorry. That was redder than a ape's tuchus.

View Quote Billy: What's your stripper's stage name?
Adult bookstore clerk: Do I look like a stripper?
Billy: I'll just call you Cinnamon.

View Quote Billy: [About his grandma] She passed away.
Woman: [Gently] Oh dear, that's very sad.
Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
Woman: [Gasps] Jeez. My goodness!
Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.

View Quote Billy: [At the law office] You know what I wanna be when I grow up?
Lady: What?
Billy: A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday 'till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.
Lady: I'm sorry to hear that. [Gives Billy an awkward look]

View Quote Billy: [To the grocery store employee] Sometimes he shits himself.
Irving Zisman: [Turns to Billy] I don't shit myself, you little prick!

View Quote Billy: [While pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street] You shouldn't drink so much.
Irving Zisman: Pipe down! [Moans] Oh, God...
Billy: [Keeps pushing the cart] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
Irving Zisman: [Mumbling] Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?

View Quote George Prisco: I'm about to whip you, mother****er. Up your ass, bro.
Irving Zisman: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get your doober! Oh. Oh. I got your doober! I got your doober! [Pretends to eat his nose] I ate your doober.
George Prisco: You shouldn't be **** driving anyway! You're **** 85 years old!
Irving Zisman: I got his doober!
George Prisco: Thank god that wasn't a human being.
Irving Zisman: I got his doober and he's mad!

View Quote George Prisco: Listen to me, you're going to fix that penguin, bro. Whether you like it or not, believe me, you're gonna fix it.
Irving Zisman: Nope. I mean if I was fixing it, you'd see me fixing it, but... I'm not fixing it. [Long pause] Did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?

View Quote Irving Zisman: Oh, here she is!
Woman: Here I am. You wanna buy some 22s?
Irving Zisman: What are 22s?
Woman: You wish you was 22.
Irving Zisman: They look like 36Ds to me.
Woman: No.
Irving Zisman: No? 36 full Cs.
Woman: 22s, that's what they are!

View Quote Irving Zisman: Why are you shaking your head?
Chuck: 'Cause this is real bad timing right now for me and I'm having some problems with my business right now.
Irving Zisman: Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?
Chuck: I sell computers!
Irving Zisman: Sells com... he couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.

View Quote Irving Zisman: You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
Woman #1: No.
Irving Zisman: Seventy-five dollars.
Woman #2: What's so special about it?
Irving Zisman: It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying? [Chuckles]

View Quote Irving Zisman: ['"About a girl Billy knew] Was she your girlfriend?
Billy: Yeah...
Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?
Billy: A day.
Irving Zisman: [Bursts out laughing] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!

View Quote Irving Zisman: [After putting his dead wife in his trunk] Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...
James: [Walks away] Come on, man! Are you serious?
Irving Zisman: [Continues with his prayer] In your name we pray. Amen.