N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

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View Quote Mail Room Orienter: [Spoken/Shouted very quickly] You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it's a Monday, then you punch in at 8 o'clock. Punch in late and they dock you. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock you. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock you! 6787049A/6. That is your employee number. It will not be repeated! Without your employee number you cannot get your paycheck. Inter-office mail is code 37, intra-office mail 37-3, outside mail is 3-37. Code it wrong and they dock you! This has been your orientation. Is there anything you do not understand, is there anything you understand only partially? If you have not been fully oriented, you must file a complaint with personnel. File a faulty complaint and they dock you!
(This speech lasts exactly 60 seconds.)
Public Address System: Attention all Hudsucker employees. Attention all Hudsucker employees. We regretfully announce that at thirty seconds after the hour of noon, Hudsucker time, Waring Hudsucker, Founder, President, and Chairman of the Board of Hudsucker Industries, merged with the infinite. To mark this occasion of corporate loss, we ask that all employees observe a moment of silent contemplation. (moment of silence) Thank you for your kind attention. This moment has been duly-noted on your time cards and will be deducted from your pay. That is all.
Hutchinson: You! Yah, you, Barnes. You don't look busy! Think you can handle a blue letter? This letter was sent down this morning by the big guy himself! 'At's right, Waring Hudsucker! It's addressed to Sid Mussburger! Hudsucker's right-hand man! It's a Blue Letter! That means you put it right in Mussburger's hand. No secretaries! No receptionists! No colleagues! No excuses! MUSSBURGER!
Bumstead: No magazines. No coffee. Mussburger! I wanna see Mussburger! Or did he jump out a window too?
View Quote [Following Waring Hudsucker's suicide]
Sidney J. Mussburger: It's a pity to waste a whole Monte Cristo.
Board Member 1: He could have opened the window.
Board Member 2: Waring Hudsucker never did anything the easy way.
Myron Addison: Yeah, but why? Why did he do it? Everything was going so well.
Sidney J. Mussburger: What am I, a head shriker. Maybe the man was unhappy?
Myron Addison: He didn't look unhappy.
Board Member 4: He didn't look rich.
Board Member 5: Waring Hudsucker was never an easy man to figure out. He built this company with his bare hands, every step he took was a step up, except of course this last one.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Sure, sure he was a swell fella, but when the president, chairman of the board and owner of 87% of the company stock drops 44 floors...
Board Member 6: 45.
Board Member 7: Counting the mezzanine.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Then the company too has a problem. Stillson, what exactly is the disposition of Waring's stock.
Stillson: Well as you know, Hud left no will and had no family. The company bylaws are quite clear in that event. His entire portfolio will be converted into common stock and be sold over the counter as of the first of the fiscal year following his demise.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Meaning?
Stillson: Well, meaning simply that Waring's stock, and control of the company, will be made available to the public January 1st.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Do you mean to say that any slob in a smelly T-shirt will be able to buy Hudsucker stock?
Stillson: The company bylaws are quite clear.
Myron Addison: My God, you're animals. How can you discuss his stock when the man has just leapt 45 floors?
Board Member 6: 44.
Board Member 7: Not counting the mezzanine.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Quit showboating, Addison, the man is gone. The question now is whether we're going to let John Q. Public just waltz in here and buy our company.
Board Member 4: What are you suggesting Sidney? Certainly we can't afford to buy an controlling interest.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Not while the stock is this strong. How soon before Hud's paper hits the market?
Board Member 8: January 1st.
Board Member 2: 30 days.
Board Member 4: 4 weeks.
Board Member 5: A month at the most!
Sidney J. Mussburger: One month. To make the blue chip investment of the century look like a round trip ticket on the Titanic.
Board Member 7: We play up the fact that Hud is dead.
All: Long live Hud!
Board Member 4: We depress the stock...
Board Member 5: To the point where we can buy 50%.
Board Member 6: 51.
Board Member 7: Not counting the mezzanine.
Board Member 5: It could work!
Board Member 3: It should work!
Board Member 4: It would work!
Sidney J. Mussburger: It's working already. Waring Hudsucker is abstract art on Madison Avenue. What we need now is a new president who will inspire panic in the stockholder.
Board Member 6: A puppet.
Board Member 5: A proxy.
Board Member 2: A pawn.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Sure, sure. Some jerk we can really push around.
View Quote Norville Barnes: Say what do you do when the envelopes too big for the slot?
Ancient Sorter: Well, if you fold 'em, they fire ya. I usally throw 'em out.
Norville Barnes: Just got hired today.
Ancient Sorter: Terrific.
Norville Barnes: You know, entry level.
Ancient Sorter: Tell me about it.
Norville Barnes: But I've got big ideas.
Ancient Sorter: I'm sure you do.
Norville Barnes: For instance, take a look at this sweet baby.
[Shows a drawn circle on a piece of paper]
Norville Barnes: I developed it myself. Yessirie, this is my big ticket upstairs. You know, for kids.
Ancient Sorter: Terrific.
Norville Barnes: So, it sees how I won't be working in the mailroom long.
Ancient Sorter: No, I don't guess you will be.
Norville Barnes: How long you been here?
Ancient Sorter: Forty-eight years. Next year they move me up to parcels... if I'm lucky.
View Quote Buzz: Mr. Kline, up to nine. Mrs. Dell, personnel. Mr. Levin, thirty-seven.
Mr. Levin: Thirty-six.
Buzz: Walk down. Ladies and gentlemen, step to the rear; here comes the gargantuan Mr. Grier.
Mr. Grier: Buzz.
View Quote Norville Barnes: Hullo.
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
Norville Barnes: Uhh, no, I...
Receptionist: Shall we look in the book, hmmm? [takes out a huge book]
Norville Barnes: No, ma'am, ya see, I...
Receptionist: We don't seem to be in the boooook.
Norville Barnes: I wouldn't be in the book.
Receptionish: If we had an appointment we'd be in the booook.
Norville Barnes: I know but ya see I have this, uh, oh here it is. [Takes out the Blue Letter]
View Quote Sidney J. Mussburger: This better be good. I'm in a bad mood.
Norville Barnes: Well, sir. I've got something for you from the mailroom, but first if I could just take a minute or so from your very valuable time to show you a little something I've been working on for the last two or three years. [Shows him the drawing of the circle, but sees that it's upside down and flips it over]. You know, for kids! Which is perfect for Hudsucker not that I claim to be any great genius; like they say, inspiration is ninty-nine percent perspiration, and in my case I'd say it's at least twice that, but I gotta tell ya, Mr. Mussburger, sir, this sweet baby...
Sidney J. Mussburger: Wait a minute!
View Quote Sidney J. Mussburger: Let's get to know one another, shall we? Let's chat man to man. Now your from the basement, aren't you? And weren't blessed with much education?
Norville Barnes: Well, I am college graduate.
Sidney J. Mussburger: But you didn't excel in your studies?
Norville Barnes: Well, I made the Dean's List.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Oh.
Norville Barnes: At the Muncie College of Business Administration.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Oh. And your friends called you "jerk" didn't they?
Norville Barnes: No.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Dope? Dipstick? Lamebrain? Schmoe? Not even behind you back?
Norville Barnes: No, actually they voted me most likely to succeed!
Sidney J. Mussburger: Your fired.
View Quote Luigi: Mr. Moose-burger, I give-a you pants a nice-a dooble stitch, eh? Make 'em strong, and they look-a real sharp.
Sidney J. Mussburger: No! Single stitch is fine.
Luigi: But the double stitch will last forever.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Why on earth would I need a double stitch? To pad your account? Single stitch is fine.
[Cut to Later]'
Luigi: Ah, what the heck. Mr. Moose-burger is such a nice-a man, I give him double stitch anyway. That's some strong stitch, you bet.
View Quote Buzz the Elevator Operator: [to Norville entering the elevator] Say, buddy! Where'd ya get the new duds? And say, buddy! How'd old bucketbutt like his Blue Letter? [laughs] Did he bust a gut? Did he die? Did he - [Mussburger enters the elevator] Well, hello, Mr. Mussburger, sir...
Sidney J. Mussburger: Lobby. We haven't got all day.
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Right away, Mr. Mussburger sir. How're you this fine morning, sir?
[The elevator doors open in the lobby]
Buzz the Elevator Operator: It's been a pleasure serving you, Mr. Mussburger. And it's been a pleasure serving you too, uh... buddy.
View Quote Lou: I got gas, Bennie.
Bennie: Yeah...tell me about it.
Lou: No kiddin', Bennie. I got gas.
Bennie: Ya get the special?
Lou: Fah from it... [wistles as Amy enters the diner] ...Enter the dame.
Bennie: There's one in every story.
Lou: Ten bucks says she's looking for a handout.
Bennie: Twenty bucks says not here she don't find one.
Lou: She's looking for her mark.
[Amy sits next to Norville]
Lou: She finds him.
Bennie: She sits down and orders a light lunch. [Amy orders lunch from the waitress] How will she pay for this lunch?
Lou: She looks in her purse...
[Amy holds her wallet upside down]
Bennie: No money.
Lou: The mark notices.
Bennie: He's not noticing, Bennie.
Lou: Maybe he's wise.
Bennie: He don't look wise. Plan two: Here come the waterworks.
[Amy begins to cry]
Lou Yellowstone.
Bennie: Old Faithful.
Lou: Hello, Niagara.
[Amy elbow Norville]
Bennie: He notices. He's concerned.
Lou: She explains her predicament, and...
Both: ...Enter the light lunch.
[The waitress serves Amy's lunch as Amy continues to talk to Norville]
Bennie: She's got other problems, of course.
Lou: There's illness in the family.
Bennie: Her mother needs an operation...
Lou: Adenoids.
Bennie: [with Amy] Lumbago. Oh, that gag's got whiskers on it.
Lou: She's losing him, Bennie.
Bennie: Maybe he's wise.
Lou: He don't look wise.
[Norville turns to leave]
Bennie: How does she pull this out?
Lou: She better think fast.
Bennie: She isn't.
[Amy places her hand on her forehead]
Both: She is!
[Amy faints so that Norville has no choice but to catch her and holds her awkwardly, looking around for help]
Lou: She's good, Bennie.
Bennie: She's damn good, Lou.
Waitress: [interrupts] Can I get you boys anything else?
Bennie: Bromo.
Lou: Bromo.
View Quote Amy Archer: Is this guy from Chumpsville? Ha! I even pulled the old mother routine.
Smitty, Argus reporter: Adenoids.
Amy Archer: Lumbago.
Smitty, Argus reporter: [whistles] That gag's got whiskers on it!
View Quote Sidney J. Mussburger: And this is Thorstensen Finlandsen, who heads a radical splinter group of disgruntled investors.
Norville Barnes: Pleased to meet you, Mr. Finlandsen. You know, I studied a little Finnish back in collage myself. Let's see what was that.[says something offensive in Finnish]]
[Finlandsen throws his drink on Norville and punches him]
View Quote [Amy finds Norville out on the balcony with an ice pack on his eye]
Amy Archer: Norville? What happened?
Norville Barnes: Oh. Nothing, really, just the more timid investors are no longer running for cover.
Amy Archer: Let me look.
Norville Barnes: Sid found me the icepack.
Amy Archer: Let me hold it, or you'll have a real shiner.
Norville Barnes: Thanks. People seem to be pretty hot over this imbecile story.
Amy Archer:
Norville Barnes: Oh, it isn't your fault, Amy. You're the one person who's been standing by me through all this.
Amy Archer: Norville, there's something I have to tell you. You see, I'm not really a secretary.
Norville Barnes: I know that, Amy.
Amy Archer: You do!?
Norville Barnes: I understand that you're not very skilled yet in the secretarial arts. I'm not that skilled as president. Oh sure, I put up a big front not that everyone's buying it.
Amy Archer: I believe in you, Norville. At least I believe in your intentions --
Norville Barnes: Oh, I don't blame them, really. I guess I have sort of made a mess of things. These folks have to protect their investment. Most of them are very nice people --
Amy Archer: Listen, Norville, you can't trust people here like you did in Muncie. Certain people are --
Norville Barnes: Did you ever go to the top of old man Larson's feed tower and look out over the town?
Amy Archer: What?
Norville Barnes: You know, on Farm Route 17.
Amy Archer: Oh yes! In Muncie!
Norville Barnes: No, in Vidalia. Farm Route 17?
Amy Archer: Uh, yes. 17! Yes, I... well...
Norville Barnes: The boys from varsity use to take their girlfriends up there to hold hands, except... I never made varsity.
Amy Archer: There's a place I go now, the cutest little place near my apartment in Greenwich Village. It's called Ann's 440; it's a beatnik bar.
Norville Barnes: A beatnik bar!
Amy Archer: Yes!
Norville Barnes: You don't say.
Amy Archer: You can get carrot juice or Italian coffee! And the people there are... well, none of them quite fit in. You'd love it. Why don't you come there with me. They're having a marathon poetry reading on New Year's Eve. I go every year.
Norville Barnes: Every year?
Amy Archer: Well, this year... if it's good, I plan to make it a tradition. [laughs and changes subjects] My it certainly is beautiful. The people look like ants.
Norville Barnes: Well, the Hindus say, and the beatniks also, that in the next life some of us will come back as ants. Some will be butterflies. Others will be elephants or creatures of the sea.
Amy Archer: What a beautiful thought.
Norville Barnes: Say, what do you think you were in your previous life, Amy?
Amy Archer: Oh, I don't know. Maybe I was just a fast-talking career gal who thought she was one of the boys.
Norville Barnes: Oh no, Amy, pardon me for saying so but I find that very farfetched.
Amy Archer: Norville, there really is something I have to tell you --
Norville Barnes: That kind of person would come back as a wildebeest, or a warthog. No, I think it more likely that you were a gazelle, with long, graceful legs, gamboling through the underbrush. Perhaps we met once, a chance encounter in a forest glade. I must have been an antelope or an ibex. What times we must have had. Foraging together for sustenance, picking the grubs and burrs from one another's coats. Or perhaps we simply touched our horns briefly and went our separate ways.
Amy Archer: I wish it were that simple, Norville. I wish I was still a gazelle, and you were an antelope or an ibex.
Norville Barnes:Well, can I at least call you deer? [laughs] Seriously, Amy, the whole thing is what your beatnik friends call a kar-mah
Amy Archer: Karma.
Norville Barnes: The great circle of life.
Amy Archer: Yeah, yeah. I think I've heard of that. What goes around comes around.
Norville Barnes: That's it. A great wheel that gives us each what we deserve... Golly, tomorrow's my big presentation to the board. I've gotta show Sidney and the guys that I deserve all their confidence!
Amy Archer: [sadly] Oh...
Norville Barnes: Kiss me once, Amy! Kiss me once for luck!
Amy Archer: Sure, Norville.
[Amy gives him a peck. They look at each other and then embraces and kiss again passionately]
View Quote [Norville is showing the board his new invention: the hula-hoop]
Norville Barnes: You know, for kids! It has economy, simplicity, low production cost and the potential for mass appeal, and all that spells out great profitability! I had the boys down at R & D throw together this prototype so that our discussion here could have some focus and to give you gentlemen of the Board a first-hand look at just how exciting this gizmo is! Its fun, it's healthy, it's good exercise; kids'll just love it, and we put a little sand inside to make the experience more pleasant. But the great part is we won't have to charge an arm and a leg!
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 2: Does it have rules?
Board Member 3: Can more than one play?
Board Member 4: What makes you think it's a game?
Board Member 3: Is it a game?
Board Member 5: Will it break?
Board Member 6: It better break eventually!
Board Member 2: Is there an object?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 5: Does it come with batteries?
Board Member 4: We could charge extra for them.
Board Member 7: Is it safe for toddlers?
Board Member 3: How can you tell when you're finished?
Board Member 2: How do you make it stop?
Board Member 6: Is that a boy's model?
Board Member 3: Can a parent assemble it?
Board Member 5: Is there a larger model for the obese?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 8: What the hell is it?
View Quote [Norville is sleeping at his desk]
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Say, Buddy... Ya busy?
Norville Barnes: [wakes up] Huh-whuh?
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Looks like ya nodded off there! Say, buddy, ya got a minute?
Norville Barnes: Buzz... Is it important?
Buzz the Elevator Operator: I like to think so! It's this little idea I been working on. Ya see, I don't intend to be an elevator boy forever. Take a look at this sweet baby! [shows Norville a drawing of a circle] Ya get it, buddy? Incredibly convenient, isn't it? You know, for drinks. [shows Norville a straw] This is how it works, it's these little ridges on the side that give it its whammy! See, ya don't have to drink like this nomore; now you can drink like this. [bends staw] I call it the Buzz-Sucker, get it, buddy? After me! Why, people are just dyin' for a product like this, and the great thing is we won't have to charge an arm and a --
Norville Barnes: Wait a minute! [He looks at it like when Mussburger first looked at his own invention] This is worthless.
Buzz the Elevator Operator:Huh?! But, buddy --
Norville Barnes: This is the most idiotic thing I've ever seen in my life!
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Yeah, but, buddy --
Norville Barnes: Nobody wants a hare-brained product like this! Ya see, Buzz, it lacks the creative spark, the unalloyed genius that made, say, the hula hoop such a success.
Buzz the Elevator Operator: But, buddy --
Norville Barnes: What do you mean barging in here and taking up my valuable time! I've got a company to run here!
Buzz the Elevator Operator: [laughs] But, buddy, you were --
Buzz the Elevator Operator: I can't have every deadbeat on the Hudsucker payroll pestering me with their idiotic brainwaves!
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Geez, buddy, I'm sorry.
Norville Barnes: An example must be made!
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Wuddya mean, buddy?
Norville Barnes: You're fired! Is that plain enough for you, buster!
[Buzz begins to bawl and grabs Norville's legs]
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Awwww, buddy --
Norville Barnes: And don't call me buddy! Out of here!
Buzz the Elevator Operator: Aw, please, sir! This job, just running the elevator, it's all I got! I understand if ya don't like the Buzz-Sucker! Just, please, let me keep my job! I'm prayin' to ya!
Norville Barnes: Get out of my office! Get out! [Buzz crawls away crying] Up! Up on your feet! We don't crawl at Hudsucker Industries! Get out! And leave your uniform in the locker room!
Buzz the Elevator Operator: I'm sorry, sir... I'm sorry...
View Quote Sidney J. Mussburger: Sure, sure, the kid's screwy. It's official. The barred-window boys are out looking for him now, and we'll see how Wall Street likes the news that the President of Hudsucker Industries is headed for the booby-hatch. Why, when the doc gets through with him he'll need diapers and a dribble cup. Well, if that's all...
All Board Members: Long live the Hud!
View Quote Waring Hudsucker: [after singing She'll Be Comin' Around the Mountain] Love that tune. How ya doin', kid?
Norville Barnes: Mr. Hudsucker?
Waring Hudsucker: [points to his halo] Hey, how do you like that thing. They're all wearin' up stairs. It's a fad. Anyway, I hear your having some, uh, problems with the board. I guess Sidney's been puttin' the screws to ya, huh, Norman?
Norville Barnes: Norville.
Waring Hudsucker: Yeah, yeah. Well, say what you like about the man's ethics, he's a balls-to-the-wall businessman. Beat ya any way he can. Straight for the jugular. Very effective. Any particular reason you didn't give him my Blue Letter? Jesus, Norman, just a dying man's last words and wishes, no big deal.
Norville Barnes: Mr. Hudsucker, I must of mislaid it --
Waring Hudsucker: It's sittin' in your apron pocket, right where you left it. Imbecile. Failure to deliver a Blue Letter is grounds for dismissal.
Norville Barnes: Oh geez sir...
Waring Hudsucker: Ah, it's New Year's, I'm not gonna add to your woes. I'm just saying. Anyway, you wanna read it? You might learn something. Might keep ya from jumpin' outta anymore windows.
View Quote Norville Barnes: "Blue Letter. From: the desk of Waring Hudsucker. To: Sidney J. Mussburger. Regarding: My demise. Dear Sid. By the time you read this, I will have joined the organization upstairs -- an exciting new beginning. I will retain fond mem-memor...
Waring Hudsucker: Memories.
Norville Barnes: "...of the memories of the many years that you and I have spent.
Waring Hudsucker: Yeah, yeah, it's the standard resignation boilerplate. Go down to the second paragraph.
Norville: You have no dought been wondering why I have decided to end my tenure at Hudsucker, and here on Earth. Granted, from the standpoint of our balance sheet and financials, sure, sure, we're doing fine. However, Sid, I have made grave errors. My vanity drove away she who could've saved me. Oh yes, I loved a woman once, Sid, as you well know. A beautiful, vibrant lady, an angel who in her wisdom saw fit to choose you instead of I... Mr. Hudsucker?
Waring Hudsucker: [crying] Skip this part. Next page. [stops crying] Next page!
View Quote Norville Barnes: [reading from the Blue Letter] "...the new president should be free to fall --"
Waring Hudsucker: Fail.
Norville Barnes: " he can learn and then fail --"
Waring Hudsucker: Fall!
Norville Barnes: "...and rise up.
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