Gilderoy Lockhart quotes from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Gilderoy Lockhart

Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: Me. Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class; Honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League and five time winer... of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award. But I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon banshee by smiling at him [Laughs dryly] Now, be warned. It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to Wizard kind. [Taps a cage with a cloth over it; it rattles] You may find yourself facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm will befall you whilst I am here. I must ask you not to scream. It might provoke them! [Pulls the rag off to reveal dozens of pixies]

Gilderoy Lockhart

Peskipiksi Pesternomi! [A pixie takes the wand.]

Gilderoy Lockhart

It's really quite filthy down here.

Gilderoy Lockhart

The adventure ends here, boys. But don't fret. The world will know our story: how I was too late to save to save the girl; how you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body. You first, Mr. Potter. Say goodbye... to your memories. Obiliviate!

Gilderoy Lockhart

Amazing!!!! This is just like magic!!!!

Gilderoy Lockhart

Allow me to introduce my assistant... Professor Snape. [Snape grudgingly walks up onto the platform] He has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration. Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry. You'll still have your Potions Master when I'm through with him. Never fear.

Gilderoy Lockhart

One, two, three.

Snape

Expelliarmus!

Hermione

Think he's all right?

Ron

Who cares?!

Gilderoy Lockhart

An excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape. But if you don't mind my saying, it was pretty obvious as to what you were about to do. If I had wanted to stop you, it would have been only too easy.

Snape

Perhaps it would be prudent to first teach the students to block unfriendly spells, professor.

Gilderoy Lockhart

An excellent suggestion, Professor Snape. Let's have a volunteer. Uh, Potter, Weasley. How about you?

Snape

Weasley's wand causes devestation with the simplest spells. We'll be sending Potter to the hospital wing in a matchbox. Might I suggest someone from my own house? Malfoy, perhaps?

Lockhart

Now, on the count of three, I want you to cast your charms to disarm your opponent. Only to disarm. We don't want any accidents here. One. Two--

Draco Malfoy

Everte Statum!

Harry

Rictusempra!

Lockhart

I said disarm only!

Draco Malfoy

Serpensortia!

Snape

Don't move, Potter. I'll get rid of it for you.

Lockhart

Allow me, Professor Snape. Alarte Ascendere!
[The snake blasts into the air, hisses at the audience, then lands back down]

Harry

It's a snake skin.

Ron

Bloody hell. Whoever shed this must be 60 feet long, or more.

Ron

Heart of a lion, this one.

Lockhart

The adventure ends here, boys. But don't fret. [Points it at Ron] The world will know our story. How I was too late to save the girl. How you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body. [Aims it at Harry] You first, Mr. Potter. Say goodbye... to your memories. Obliviate! [Lockhart is blasted into the ceiling by the spell]

Gilderoy Lockhart

Hello. Who are you?

Ron

Ron Weasley.

Gilderoy Lockhart

Really? And, er, who-who am I?

Ron

Lockhart's Memory Charm backfired. He hasn't got a clue who he is.

Gilderoy Lockhart

It's an odd sort of place, isn't it? Do you live here?

Ron

No.

Gilderoy Lockhart

Really?
[Ron hits Lockhart on the head with the rock, knocking him out]

McGonagall

As you can see, the Heir of Slytherin has left another message. Our worst fear has been realized. A student has been taken by the monster into the chamber itself! The students must be sent home. I'm afraid this is the end of Hogwarts.

Lockhart

So sorry. Dozed off. What have I missed?

Snape

A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Your moment has come at last.

Lockhart

My moment?

Snape

Weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is?

McGonagall

That's settled. We'll leave you to deal with the monster, Gilderoy. Your skills, after all, are legend.

Lockhart

Very well. I'll just be in my office getting... getting ready.

Pomfrey

Who is it that the monster's taken, Minerva?

McGonagall

Ginny Weasley.

Ron

"Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever". [despaired] Ginny...