Grumpy Old Men (1993) · 28 quotes
John and Max cleaning the snow off their cars
Max
You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.
John
Lucky bastard.
Max
You bet.
John
Hey, how is he anyway?
Max
Hes Dead! Died on impact!
John
Jacob, moron. Jacob!
John tells his father that Ariel moved in.
John
Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.
Grandpa
A woman?
John
Yeah.
Grandpa
Did you mount her?
John
Ohhh, Dad!
Grandpa
Well the woman, does she have big thighs?
John
No!
Grandpa
No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha. (Grabs the six pack of beer out of his son's hands). Keep the change!
Max
Morning, dickhead.
John
Hello, moron.
Max
Hey dickhead, win the lottery?
John
Enjoy your shower, smartass?
John and Max asking Chuck about his visit to Ariel.
Max
Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?
John
Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?
Max
Yes, the spirit was willing...
John
Yeah, but the flesh was, uh....
Max
Weak! Weak!
John is worried about having safe sex.
John
See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex.
John, when was the last time you made love?
John
October 4th....1978.
Oh, I think we're safe.....
Snyder and Max Goldman while John is in the hospital:
Snyder': Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman.
Max':Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?" (Laughs)
John
Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max
Hypothermia's a bitch. It ain't quick like a stroke.
John
A stroke's no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.
Max
You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.
John
Lucky bastard.
Max
You bet.
John
Hey, how is he anyway?
Max
He's dead! Died on impact!
John
Jacob, moron. Jacob!
Max
Oh he's fine. Real busy, but he promised to come home for Thanksgiving.
John
Is he running for mayor?
Max
Make a damn fine mayor too.
John
It's a good thing he's his mother's son. If he looked anything like you, he'd never get on the ballot.
Max
Eat my shorts!
John is worried about having safe sex.
John (to Ariel, who just locked his door): I thought you said...
I said it's time for bed.
John
Hold on, I'm...I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex.
John, when was the last time you made love?
John
October 4th....1978.
Oh, I think we're safe.....
Max
Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink?
John
Yeah.
Max
Not you, smart ass! Didn't ask you. I could smell it from the car, this stink. Is it me?
Yup!
Max
Damn!
John
Oh my god, they've come for me.
[John attempts to use the same way that he has to avoid Snyder, but he slips and slides off the part of the roof closest to his room. To his surprise, John is face to face with Ariel.]
John
Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize.
Max
She was to me!
John
I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize!
Max
She was to me!
John
Yeah, well that's why you're a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman.
Max
She was the best.
John
She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.
