Jerry [breaks down into tears]
Oh, why did I ever let you talk me into this?
Why are you even speaking to me about it?
Jerry I just don't have a good feeling about this.
Oh, come on! What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Jerry Well, suppose it doesn't?
Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
Jerry [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table]
Joe...?
Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Jerry Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
SP Sig Poliakoff
The instruments are right but you're not...
Jerry Wait a minute. What's wrong with us?
SP Sig Poliakoff
You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
What are you looking for — hunchbacks or something?
SP Sig Poliakoff
Oh, it's not the backs that worry me...
Jerry Well, then, what is it then?
Yeah! What kind of a band is this, anyway?
SP Sig Poliakoff
You gotta be under twenty-five...
Jerry Oh, we could pass for that!
SP Sig Poliakoff
..you gotta be blonde...
Jerry We could dye our hair!
SP Sig Poliakoff
...and you gotta be girls.
Jerry We could—!
Jerry [in high heels]
How do they walk in these things, huh? How do they keep their balance?
It must be the way the weight is distributed. Now, come on.
Jerry It's so drafty. They must be catching cold all the time, huh?
Will you quit stalling? We're gonna miss the train.
Jerry I feel naked. I feel like everybody's staring at me!
With those legs, are you crazy? Now, come on.
Jerry [They see Sugar Kane]
Look at that! Look how she moves. That's just like Jell-O on springs. She must have some sort of built-in motors. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
What are you afraid of? Nobody's asking you to have a baby.
Jerry [about the women]
How about that talent, huh? Like falling into a tub of butter.
Jerry When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop and there was goodies all around. There was jellyrolls and mocha eclairs and sponge cake, and Boston creme pie and cherry tarts -
Don't. Listen to me. No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Jerry Dirty old man...I just got pinched in the elevator.
Now you know how the other half lives.
Jerry Look at that. I'm not even pretty.
They don't care. Just so long as you're wearing a skirt. It's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
Jerry Really. Well I'm sick of being the flag. I want to be a bull again.
So you got pinched in the elevator. So what! Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?...What's the beef? We're sitting pretty. Look, we've got room and board, we're getting paid every week...
Jerry I know why you want to stay here. You're after Sugar.
Jerry I saw you, the both of you on that bus, all lovey-dovey and whispering and giggling and borrowing each other's lipstick. I saw ya.
What are you talking about?...We're just like sisters.
Jerry Well I'm your fairy godmother. And I'm gonna keep an eye on you.
Jerry Have I got things to tell you!
Jerry I'm engaged.
Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
Jerry I am!
Jerry Osgood proposed to me! We're planning a June wedding.
What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.
Jerry Why, you think he's too old for me?
Jerry, you can't be serious.
Jerry Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time.
But, you're not a girl! You're a guy, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
Jerry For security! Look, I know there's a problem, Joe.
Jerry His mother - we need her approval, but I'm not worried because I don't smoke.
Jerry. There's another problem, like what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
Jerry We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I'm kinda leaning toward Niagra Falls.
Jerry I don't expect it to last Joe. I'll tell him when the time's right.
Jerry Like right after the ceremony. Then we get a quick annulment, he makes a nice little settlement on me and I keep getting those alimony checks every month.
Jerry listen to me there are laws, conventions. It's just not been done.
Jerry Joe this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire.
Oh, Jerry — Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Jerry I'm a boy.
Jerry I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Jerry Osgood gave me a bracelet.
[examining it]
Hey, these are real diamonds!
Jerry Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
Jerry I feel like such a tramp, taking jewelry from a man under false pretenses.
Get it while you're young. You'd better fix your lips. You wanna look good for Osgood, don't ya?
Jerry It's just gonna break his heart when he finds out I can't marry him.
So, it's gonna break Sugar's heart when she finds that I'm not a millionaire. That's life. You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg.
Jerry What are you giving me with the omelette?
Nag, nag, nag. Look, we've got a yacht, we've got a bracelet. You've got Osgood, I've got Sugar. We'll be really cookin'!
