[breaks down into tears]
Oh, why did I ever let you talk me into this?
Joe Why are you even speaking to me about it?
I just don't have a good feeling about this.
Joe Oh, come on! What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Well, suppose it doesn't?
Joe Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
[Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table]
Joe...?
Joe Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
SP Sig Poliakoff
The instruments are right but you're not...
Wait a minute. What's wrong with us?
SP Sig Poliakoff
You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
Joe What are you looking for — hunchbacks or something?
SP Sig Poliakoff
Oh, it's not the backs that worry me...
Well, then, what is it then?
Joe Yeah! What kind of a band is this, anyway?
SP Sig Poliakoff
You gotta be under twenty-five...
Oh, we could pass for that!
SP Sig Poliakoff
..you gotta be blonde...
SP Sig Poliakoff
...and you gotta be girls.
Joe No, we couldn't!
[in high heels]
How do they walk in these things, huh? How do they keep their balance?
Joe It must be the way the weight is distributed. Now, come on.
It's so drafty. They must be catching cold all the time, huh?
Joe Will you quit stalling? We're gonna miss the train.
I feel naked. I feel like everybody's staring at me!
Joe With those legs, are you crazy? Now, come on.
[They see Sugar Kane]
Look at that! Look how she moves. That's just like Jell-O on springs. She must have some sort of built-in motors. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
Joe What are you afraid of? Nobody's asking you to have a baby.
[about the women]
How about that talent, huh? Like falling into a tub of butter.
Joe Watch it, Daphne.
When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop and there was goodies all around. There was jellyrolls and mocha eclairs and sponge cake, and Boston creme pie and cherry tarts -
Joe Don't. Listen to me. No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Dirty old man...I just got pinched in the elevator.
Joe Now you know how the other half lives.
Look at that. I'm not even pretty.
Joe They don't care. Just so long as you're wearing a skirt. It's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
Really. Well I'm sick of being the flag. I want to be a bull again.
Joe So you got pinched in the elevator. So what! Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?...What's the beef? We're sitting pretty. Look, we've got room and board, we're getting paid every week...
I know why you want to stay here. You're after Sugar.
Joe Me after Sugar?
I saw you, the both of you on that bus, all lovey-dovey and whispering and giggling and borrowing each other's lipstick. I saw ya.
Joe What are you talking about?...We're just like sisters.
Well I'm your fairy godmother. And I'm gonna keep an eye on you.
Have I got things to tell you!
Joe What happened?
Joe Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
Joe WHAT?!
Osgood proposed to me! We're planning a June wedding.
Joe What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.
Why, you think he's too old for me?
Joe Jerry, you can't be serious.
Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time.
Joe But, you're not a girl! You're a guy, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
For security! Look, I know there's a problem, Joe.
Joe I'll say there is.
His mother - we need her approval, but I'm not worried because I don't smoke.
Joe Jerry. There's another problem, like what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I'm kinda leaning toward Niagra Falls.
Joe My God.
I don't expect it to last Joe. I'll tell him when the time's right.
Joe Like when?
Like right after the ceremony. Then we get a quick annulment, he makes a nice little settlement on me and I keep getting those alimony checks every month.
Joe Jerry listen to me there are laws, conventions. It's just not been done.
Joe this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire.
Joe Oh, Jerry — Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Joe That's the boy.
I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Joe What engagement present?
Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Joe [examining it]
Hey, these are real diamonds!
Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
I feel like such a tramp, taking jewelry from a man under false pretenses.
Joe Get it while you're young. You'd better fix your lips. You wanna look good for Osgood, don't ya?
It's just gonna break his heart when he finds out I can't marry him.
Joe So, it's gonna break Sugar's heart when she finds that I'm not a millionaire. That's life. You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg.
What are you giving me with the omelette?
Joe Nag, nag, nag. Look, we've got a yacht, we've got a bracelet. You've got Osgood, I've got Sugar. We'll be really cookin'!
Joe You don't want me, Sugar. I'm a liar and a phony. A saxophone player. One of those no-goodniks you keep running away from.
Joe Sugar, do yourself a favor. Go back to where the millionaires are, the sweet end of the lollipop, not the cole slaw in the face, the old socks and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.
That's right. Pour it on. Talk me out of it. [She grabs him to kiss him]
