Attendent
(off screen, after Ed has released a deranged man from his straight jacket)
Goodness gracious! He's killing Sydney!
Ed
Kel Mitchell · 31 quotes
Dexter
Kenan Thompson · 30 quotes
Kurt
Jan Schwieterman · 13 quotes
Monique
Shar Jackson · 5 quotes
Otis
Abe Vigoda · 5 quotes
Mr. Baily
4 quotes
Fizz
Josh Server · 3 quotes
Roxanne
Carmen Electra · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Ed & Dexter (14), Dexter & Kurt (5), Ed & Kurt (4)
Good Burger quotes
Page 1 of 5My name's never been abbreviated before. I love that!
Guards at asylum
Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Can you get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.
I should've died years ago.
Connie Muldoon [as she gives her long order, her speed of talking increases]
Hello. My name is Connie Muldoon. I'm hosting a family reunion and my oven has run amuck; I think it's the heat actuator. Anyhoo, I'd like to order, uh, three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals, and 17-piece order of your Good Chunks and, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals, I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies. Now, don't fret if that's extra; I'll pony up the overage. And, uh, oh! On the regular Good Meals, I need two of the Good Burgers to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion; I've got an interview this afternoon. Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie who doesn't eat meat but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it. Let's get Leslie a Good Chickwich, some Good Fries, and a Good Root Beer all to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait. Now, total me up.
[Ed's brain is damaged due to the long order]
Customer
(motioning to Ed)
Excuse me! Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it!
That's what I gave you.
Customer
No, you gave me a bun. Just a bun. Look there's no meat in here.
But you said you wanted nothing on it.
Customer
Yes, but I expected a meat patty!
Dude, a meat patty is something. You said nothing. Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
Uh, something?
Customer
All right, that rips it! I am reporting your name to the manager!
The manager already knows my name.
Customer
Oh, I'll see you in Hell.
Okay, see ya there!
Dex
[yelling]
Ed?! Ed?! ED!!!
Dex
[looks up, surprised]
What are you doing in the straw?!
It's right over the kitchen! I can see it! Come on!
Dex
How do you expect me to get up there?
Oh, it easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, then you hop on the cup and then you shimmy on the straw.
Dex
What is this? American Gladiators?
COME ON!
Dex
Alright.
Then just ask her out.
Naw.
What, you're chicken?
I'm not a chicken!
Are too! Dexter's a chicken! Moo! Moo!
CHICKENS! (quieter) Chickens don't moo Ed. They cluck. (Imitates chicken sound)
Hello. My name is Dexter. I'm your new co-worker.
Well, that's a nice outfit you got on there, Monique. And those stripes really bring out the color in your eyes.
(sarcastically)
Yes. You can imagine how shocked I was when I came to work and saw everyone wearing the same thing.
I guess you will. (walks off)
Hey, you look familiar. Don't I know you from somewhere?
Ever been to Australia?
No.
Me neither.
I've could've sworn I've seen you someplace before.
Hey, I know! Maybe I'm someone famous! You know, like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!
What? Man, what in the world are you talking about?
Okay, okay. I give up. Who am I?
Man, I don't know who you are. Or where I know you from. Or why you think you're an attractive nurse, but I am sure I don't wanna know you any longer. Now, please go away, I've had a very bad day.
Man, I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger. I mean, he yelled at me, then he insulted me. He made fun of me. (looks downcast)
Boy, you must really suck.
See right about now I'd slap you in your head but I'm not sure if your brain would understand the concept of pain.
So you poured that stuff in the meat didn't you?
I had to.
You had to?
Sure. See, I knew that if I took the can, there was a good chance I'd get caught. Then I thought that even if I did take the triambythal to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some high-powered attorney who dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger, by manipulating the legal system. And the way that America's court system is congested these days, It would have taken months to convict him of anything. So then I thought, I just take the matter into my own hands and pour the triambythal into the meat supply and let Mondo Burger be a victim of its own foul play.
Wait-wait-wait...You thought of all that?
Sure, I'm not stupid.
So, Monique. What are you going to do tonight after you lock up?
I thought I'd go home.
Home? Why?
Well... that's where my stuff is.