Most scenes together: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman & Private Joker (6), Private Joker & Private Cowboy (5), Gunnery Sergeant Hartman & Private Gomer Pyle (4)
Do any of you people know where these individuals learned how to shoot?
Sir, in the Marines, sir!
In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated Marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same thing!
As soon as you finish your bunks, I want you two turds to clean the head.
Sir, aye-aye, sir!
I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!
Sir, yes, sir!
Private Joker, do you believe in the Virgin Mary?
Sir, no, sir!
Private Joker, I don't believe I heard you correctly!
Sir, the private said "No, sir," sir!
Why, you little maggot! You make me want to vomit!
You goddamn communist heathen, you had best sound off that you love the Virgin Mary... or I'm gonna stomp your guts out! Now you do love the Virgin Mary, don't you?!
Sir, negative, sir!!
Private Joker, are you trying to offend me?!
Sir, negative, sir!!! Sir, the private believes that any answer he gives will be wrong! And the Senior Drill Instructor will beat him harder if he reverses himself, sir!
Whose your Squad Leader, scumbag?
Sir, the private's Squad Leader is Private Snowball, Sir!
Private Snowball!
Private Snowball Sir, Private Snowball reporting as ordered, Sir!
Private Snowball, you're fired! Private Joker is promoted to Squad Leader.
Private Snowball Sir, aye-aye, Sir!
Disappear, scumbag!
Private Snowball Sir, aye-aye, Sir!
Private Pyle!
Private Pyle reporting as ordered, sir!
Private Pyle, from now on Private Joker is your new squad leader, and you will bunk with him! He'll teach you everything. He'll teach you how to pee.
Sir, yes, sir!
Private Joker is silly and he's ignorant, but he's got guts, and guts is enough. Now, you ladies carry on!
Sir, aye-aye, sir!
I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be "Sir!" Do you maggots understand that?
Bullshit! I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair.
Jesus H. Christ! Private Pyle, why is your footlocker unlocked?
Sir, I don't know, sir!
Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, don't you?
Sir, yes, sir!
If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?
Sir, no, sir!
Get down!
Well now... let's just see if there's anything missing!
Sergeant Hartman begins rummaging through the box, then freezes. He slowly picks up a jelly doughnut and holds it in disgust with his fingertips.
Holy Jesus! What is that? What the **** is that? What is that, Private Pyle?!
Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!
A jelly doughnut?!
Sir, yes, sir!
How did it get here?
Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!
Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?
Sir, no, sir!
Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?
Sir, no, sir!
And why not, Private Pyle?
Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!
Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!
Sir, yes, sir!
Then why did you hide a jelly doughnut in your foot locker, Private Pyle?
Sir, because I was hungry, sir!
Because you were hungry?
Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon! I have tried to help him, but I have failed! I have failed because you have not helped me! You have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle ****s up, I will not punish him, I will punish all of you! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for one jelly doughnut! Now, get on your faces!
Open your mouth!
They're paying for it, you eat it!
Mama and Papa were laying in bed...
Mama and Papa were laying in bed...
Mama rolled over this is what she said.
Mama rolled over this is what she said.
A gimme some...
Gimme some...
PT!
Good for you...
Good for you.
Good for me...
Good for me.
Mmm good...
Mmm good.
Up in the morning to the rising sun.
Up in the morning to the rising sun.
Gotta run all day till the running's done!
Gotta run all day till the running's done!
Ho Chi Minh is a son-of-a-bitch!
Ho Chi Minh is a son-of-a-bitch!
Got the blueballs, crabs and the seven-year-itch!
Got the blueballs, crabs and the seven-year-itch!
I don't know but I been told...
I don't know but I been told...
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold.
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold.
MMM, good...
MMM, good...
Feels Good
Feels Good
Is Good
Is Good
Real Good
Real good
Tastes Good
Tastes good
Mighty Good
Mighty good
Good for you
Good for you
Good for me
Good for me
This is for fighting.
I don't want no teenage queen
I don't want no teenage queen
I just want my M-14
I just want my M-14
If I die in the combat zone
If I die in the combat zone
Box me up and ship me home
Box me up and ship me home
Pin my medals upon my chest
Pin my medals upon my chest
Tell my mom I've done my best
Tell my mom I've done my best
What is this Mickey Mouse shit? What in the name of Jesus H. Christ are you animals doing in my head? [to Joker] Why is Private Pyle out of his bunk after lights out?! Why is Private Pyle holding that weapon? Why aren't you stomping Private Pyle's guts out?
Sir, it is the private's duty to inform the Senior Drill Instructor that Private Pyle has a full magazine and has locked and loaded, sir!
Now you listen to me, Private Pyle, and you listen good. I want that weapon, and I want it now! You will place that rifle on the deck at your feet and step back away from it.
What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?!! Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?!!
Easy, Leonard. Go easy, man.
[Pyle sits down heavily on one of the toilets, puts the barrel in his mouth,
No!!!
[Pyle pulls the trigger and blood and brains splatter the wall behind him as he slumps backward, dead.]
What's your name, scumbag?
Private Snowball Sir, Private Brown, sir!
Bullshit! From now on you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name?
Private Snowball Sir, yes, sir!
Well, there's one thing you won't like, Private Snowball! They don't serve fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall!
Do any of you people know who Charles Whitman was? None of you dumbasses knows? [Cowboy raises his hand] Private Cowboy?
Sir, he was that guy who shot all those people from that tower in Austin, Texas, sir!
That's affirmative. Charles Whitman killed 12 people from a 28-story observation tower at the University of Texas, from distances of up to 400 yards. Anybody know who Lee Harvey Oswald was? [all recruits raise their hands] Private Snowball?
Snowball Sir, he shot Kennedy, sir!
That's right. And do you know how far away he was?
Snowball Sir, it was pretty far, from that book suppository building, sir! [the recruits laugh]
All right, knock it off. 250 feet. [Snowball sits down] He was 250 feet away and shooting at a moving target. Oswald got off three rounds with an old Italian bolt-action rifle in only six seconds and scored two hits, including a headshot. Do any of you people know where these individuals learned how to shoot? [Joker raises his hand] Private Joker?
In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated Marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same thing!
Left shoulder! Hut! [Lawrence briefly hikes his rifle to his right shoulder and corrects himself, but Hartman notices the error and angrily marches to him] Private Pyle, what are you trying to do to my beloved Corps?!
Sir, I don't know, sir!
You are dumb, Private Pyle, but do you expect me to believe that you don't know left from right?!
Sir, no, sir!
Then you did that on purpose! You wanna be different!
Sir, no, sir!
Sir, left side, sir!
Are you sure, Private Pyle?!
Sir, yes, sir!
What side was that, Private Pyle?!
Don't **** with me again, Pyle! Pick up your ****in' cover!
Sir, yes, sir!
Next two privates, go! Quickly! [To Lawrence as he struggles on an obstacle course] Get your fat ass over there, Private Pyle. Oh, that's right, Private Pyle. Don't make any **** effort to get up to the top of the **** obstacle! If God wanted you up there, He would've miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?
Sir, yes, sir!
Get your fat ass up there, Pyle!
Sir, yes, sir!
What the hell is the matter with you anyway? I'll bet you if there was some pussy up there on top of that obstacle...
...you could get up there, couldn't you?
Sir, yes, sir!
Your ass looks like about a hundred and fifty pounds of chewed bubble gum, Pyle! You know that?
Sir, yes, sir!
Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name, because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging old Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her purty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece, this weapon of iron and wood, and you will be faithful! Port, hut! [Recruits grab their rifles] Prepare to mount! [Recruits step back towards their bunks.] Mount! [Recruits quickly hop onto their bunks] Port, hut! [Recruits grab their rifles and hold them up] Pray!
This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: My rifle and myself are defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.
Order, hut! [Recruits lay their rifles at their sides] At ease! [shuts the lights off] Good night, ladies.
Good night, sir!
Sir, aye-aye, sir!
Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
A peace symbol, sir.
Where'd you get it?
I don't remember, sir.
What is that you've got written on your helmet?
"Born to Kill", sir.
You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
No, sir.
What is it supposed to mean?
I don't know, sir
You don't know very much, do you?
No, sir
You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.
Yes, sir.
Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
The what?
The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Whose side are you on, son?
Our side, sir.
Don't you love your country?
Yes, sir.
Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Yes, sir.
Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every g**k there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
Aye-aye, sir.
Don't shit me, man!
I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd!
Who said that? Who the **** said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed **** down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy **** godmother said it! Out-****-standing! I will P.T. you all until you **** die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!.
Was it you, you scroungy little ****, huh?!
Sir, no, sir!
You little piece of shit! You look like a **** worm! I'll bet it was you!
Sir, no, sir!
Sir, I said it, sir!
Well... no shit. What have we got here, a **** comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and **** my sister.
You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best un**** yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
Sir, yes, sir!
Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps?
Sir, to kill, sir!
So you're a killer!
Sir, yes sir!
Let me see your war face!
Sir?
You got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a war face. Now let me see your war face!
Aaaaaaaagh!
Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
You don't scare me! Work on it!
Sir, yes, sir!
What's your excuse?
Sir, excuse for what, sir?
I'm asking the **** questions here, Private. Do you understand?!
Sir, yes, sir.
Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?
Sir, yes, sir!
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?
Sir, I am, sir!
Do I make you nervous?
Sir!
Sir, what? Were you about to call me an asshole?!
Sir, no, sir!
How tall are you, Private?
Sir, five foot nine, sir!
Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?
Sir, no, sir!
Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated! Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?
Sir, Texas, sir!
Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers and qu**rs come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you suck dicks?
Sir, no, sir!
Are you a p***r-p***er?
Sir, no, sir!
I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would **** a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around! I'll be watching you!
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Sir, yes, sir!
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fatbody?
Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!
Lawrence? Lawrence, what, of Arabia?
Sir, no, sir!
That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty?
Sir, no, sir.
Do you suck dicks?
Sir, no, sir.
Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Sir, no, sir.
I don't like the name Lawrence! Only f****ts and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on you're Gomer Pyle!
Sir, yes, sir!
Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?
Sir, no, sir!
Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!
Sir, yes, sir.
Well, any **** time, sweetheart!
Sir, I'm trying, sir.
Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three **** seconds--to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-**** you! One! Two! Three!
Sir, I can't help it, sir!
Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!
Now choke yourself!
Goddamn it, with my hand, numb nuts!!
Don't pull my **** hand over there! I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself!
Are you through grinning?
Bullshit! I can't hear you!
Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!
That's enough! Get on your feet! Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links... or I will definitely **** you up!
Sir, yes, sir!
Are those... live rounds?
Seven-six-two millimeter, full metal jacket.
Leonard, if Hartman comes in here and catches us, we'll both be in a world of shit.
I am... in a world... of shit!
