Private Cowboy You know there's not a single horse in the entire country of Vietnam? There's definitely something wrong with that.
Played by Arliss Howard 
Full Metal Jacket (1987) · 72 quotes
Full Metal Jacket (1987) · 72 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Full Metal Jacket (1987): in 8 of its 72 quotes
Most scenes with: Private Joker (5)
Scenes with Private Cowboy
8 scenes Private Cowboy Private Cowboy I think what she's trying to say is that you black boys pack too much meat.
Private Cowboy [after the recruits have administered a "blanket party" on Private Pyle]
Remember, its just a bad dream, fat boy.
Who said that? Who the **** said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed **** down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy **** godmother said it! Out-****-standing! I will P.T. you all until you **** die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!.
[Gunnery Sergeant Hartman grabs Private Cowboy by the shirt.]
Was it you, you scroungy little ****, huh?!
Private Cowboy Sir, no, sir!
You little piece of shit! You look like a **** worm! I'll bet it was you!
Private Cowboy Sir, no, sir!
Sir, I said it, sir!
Well... no shit. What have we got here, a **** comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and **** my sister.
[Gunnery Sergeant Hartman punches Private Joker in the stomach. He sags to his knees.]
You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best un**** yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
Sir, yes, sir!
Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps?
Sir, to kill, sir!
So you're a killer!
Sir, yes sir!
Let me see your war face!
Sir?
You got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a war face. Now let me see your war face!
Aaaaaaaagh!
Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
You don't scare me! Work on it!
Sir, yes, sir!
What's your excuse?
Private Cowboy Sir, excuse for what, sir?
I'm asking the **** questions here, Private. Do you understand?!
Private Cowboy Sir, yes, sir.
Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?
Private Cowboy Sir, yes, sir!
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?
Private Cowboy Sir, I am, sir!
Do I make you nervous?
Private Cowboy Sir!
Sir, what? Were you about to call me an asshole?!
Private Cowboy Sir, no, sir!
How tall are you, Private?
Private Cowboy Sir, five foot nine, sir!
Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?
Private Cowboy Sir, no, sir!
Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated! Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?
Private Cowboy Sir, Texas, sir!
Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers and qu**rs come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you suck dicks?
Private Cowboy Sir, no, sir!
Are you a p***r-p***er?
Private Cowboy Sir, no, sir!
I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would **** a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around! I'll be watching you!
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Sir, yes, sir!
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fatbody?
Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!
Lawrence? Lawrence, what, of Arabia?
Sir, no, sir!
That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty?
Sir, no, sir.
Do you suck dicks?
Sir, no, sir.
Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Sir, no, sir.
I don't like the name Lawrence! Only f****ts and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on you're Gomer Pyle!
Sir, yes, sir!
[Pyle smiles strangely.]
Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?
Sir, no, sir!
Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!
Sir, yes, sir.
Well, any **** time, sweetheart!
Sir, I'm trying, sir.
Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three **** seconds--to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-**** you! One! Two! Three!
Sir, I can't help it, sir!
Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!
[Pvt. Pyle drops to his knees. Sgt. Hartman holds out his hand.]
Now choke yourself!
[Pvt. Pyle puts his own hands around his neck.]
Goddamn it, with my hand, numb nuts!!
[Pvt. Pyle reaches towards Sgt. Hartman's hand. Hartman jerks it away.]
Don't pull my **** hand over there! I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself!
[Pvt. Pyle leans forward onto Sgt. Hartman's hand. Hartman chokes Pyle.]
Are you through grinning?
Bullshit! I can't hear you!
Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!
That's enough! Get on your feet! Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links... or I will definitely **** you up!
Sir, yes, sir!
Private Cowboy Don't shit me, man!
I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd!
Sergeant Joker
I wanna slip my tube steak into your sister. What'll you take in trade?
What do you got?
(after Hand Job is killed)
Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.
Sergeant Joker
What was the matter with him?
He was jerkin' off ten times a day.
Sergeant Eightball
No shit. At least ten times a day.
Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy ****er starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division.
Sergeant Joker
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Hey, start the cameras. This is "Vietnam: The Movie."
Yeah, Joker can be John Wayne. I'll be a horse.
T.H.E. Rock can be a rock.
I'll be Ann-Margret.
Doc Jay
Animal Mother can be a rabid buffalo.
I'll be General Custer.
Private Rafterman
Well, who'll be the Indians?
Hey, we'll let the gooks play the Indians.
Other characters in Full Metal Jacket
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Joker
Matthew Modine
Animal Mother
Adam Baldwin
Door Gunner
Private Eightball
Dorian Harewood
Private Gomer Pyle
Vincent D'Onofrio
Crazy Earl
Kieron Jecchinis
Donlon
Gary Landon Mills
Recruits
T.H.E. Rock
Sal Lopez
Private/Sergeant "Cowboy" Evans
Lieutenant Lockhart
John Terry
Marching Cadences
Private Joker
Matthew Modine
Animal Mother
Adam Baldwin
Door Gunner
Private Eightball
Dorian Harewood
Private Gomer Pyle
Vincent D'Onofrio
Crazy Earl
Kieron Jecchinis
Donlon
Gary Landon Mills
Recruits
T.H.E. Rock
Sal Lopez
Private/Sergeant "Cowboy" Evans
Lieutenant Lockhart
John Terry
Marching Cadences
