Private Gomer Pyle quotes from Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Private Joker

Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?

Who said that? Who the **** said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed **** down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy **** godmother said it! Out-****-standing! I will P.T. you all until you **** die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!.

Was it you, you scroungy little ****, huh?!

Private Cowboy

Sir, no, sir!

You little piece of shit! You look like a **** worm! I'll bet it was you!

Private Cowboy

Sir, no, sir!

Private Joker

Sir, I said it, sir!

Well... no shit. What have we got here, a **** comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and **** my sister.

You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best un**** yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!

Private Joker

Sir, yes, sir!

Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps?

Private Joker

Sir, to kill, sir!

So you're a killer!

Private Joker

Sir, yes sir!

Let me see your war face!

Private Joker

Sir?

You got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a war face. Now let me see your war face!

Private Joker

Aaaaaaaagh!

Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face!

Private Joker

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

You don't scare me! Work on it!

Private Joker

Sir, yes, sir!

What's your excuse?

Private Cowboy

Sir, excuse for what, sir?

I'm asking the **** questions here, Private. Do you understand?!

Private Cowboy

Sir, yes, sir.

Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?

Private Cowboy

Sir, yes, sir!

Are you shook up? Are you nervous?

Private Cowboy

Sir, I am, sir!

Do I make you nervous?

Private Cowboy

Sir!

Sir, what? Were you about to call me an asshole?!

Private Cowboy

Sir, no, sir!

How tall are you, Private?

Private Cowboy

Sir, five foot nine, sir!

Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?

Private Cowboy

Sir, no, sir!

Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated! Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?

Private Cowboy

Sir, Texas, sir!

Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers and qu**rs come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you suck dicks?

Private Cowboy

Sir, no, sir!

Are you a p***r-p***er?

Private Cowboy

Sir, no, sir!

I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would **** a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around! I'll be watching you!

Did your parents have any children that lived?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fatbody?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!

Lawrence? Lawrence, what, of Arabia?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir!

That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir.

Do you suck dicks?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir.

Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir.

I don't like the name Lawrence! Only f****ts and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on you're Gomer Pyle!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir!

Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir.

Well, any **** time, sweetheart!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, I'm trying, sir.

Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three **** seconds--to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-**** you! One! Two! Three!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, I can't help it, sir!

Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!

Now choke yourself!

Goddamn it, with my hand, numb nuts!!

Don't pull my **** hand over there! I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself!

Are you through grinning?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

Bullshit! I can't hear you!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

That's enough! Get on your feet! Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links... or I will definitely **** you up!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

As soon as you finish your bunks, I want you two turds to clean the head.

Sir, aye-aye, sir!

I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!

Sir, yes, sir!

Private Joker, do you believe in the Virgin Mary?

Private Joker

Sir, no, sir!

Private Joker, I don't believe I heard you correctly!

Private Joker

Sir, the private said "No, sir," sir!

Why, you little maggot! You make me want to vomit!

You goddamn communist heathen, you had best sound off that you love the Virgin Mary... or I'm gonna stomp your guts out! Now you do love the Virgin Mary, don't you?!

Private Joker

Sir, negative, sir!!

Private Joker, are you trying to offend me?!

Private Joker

Sir, negative, sir!!! Sir, the private believes that any answer he gives will be wrong! And the Senior Drill Instructor will beat him harder if he reverses himself, sir!

Whose your Squad Leader, scumbag?

Private Joker

Sir, the private's Squad Leader is Private Snowball, Sir!

Private Snowball!

Sir, Private Snowball reporting as ordered, Sir!

Private Snowball, you're fired! Private Joker is promoted to Squad Leader.

Sir, aye-aye, Sir!

Disappear, scumbag!

Sir, aye-aye, Sir!

Private Pyle!

Private Gomer Pyle

Private Pyle reporting as ordered, sir!

Private Pyle, from now on Private Joker is your new squad leader, and you will bunk with him! He'll teach you everything. He'll teach you how to pee.

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

Private Joker is silly and he's ignorant, but he's got guts, and guts is enough. Now, you ladies carry on!

Sir, aye-aye, sir!

Jesus H. Christ! Private Pyle, why is your footlocker unlocked?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, I don't know, sir!

Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, don't you?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir!

Get down!

Well now... let's just see if there's anything missing!
Sergeant Hartman begins rummaging through the box, then freezes. He slowly picks up a jelly doughnut and holds it in disgust with his fingertips.

Holy Jesus! What is that? What the **** is that? What is that, Private Pyle?!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!

A jelly doughnut?!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

How did it get here?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!

Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir!

Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, no, sir!

And why not, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!

Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

Then why did you hide a jelly doughnut in your foot locker, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, because I was hungry, sir!

Because you were hungry?

Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon! I have tried to help him, but I have failed! I have failed because you have not helped me! You have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle ****s up, I will not punish him, I will punish all of you! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for one jelly doughnut! Now, get on your faces!

Open your mouth!

They're paying for it, you eat it!

Joker!

Private Joker

Sir, yes, sir!

Forty-two-twelve, Basic Military Journalism. You gotta be shitting me, Joker! You think you're Mickey Spillane? Do you think you're some kind of **** writer?

Private Joker

Sir, I wrote for my high school newspaper, sir!

Jesus H. Christ, you're not a writer, you're a killer!

Private Joker

A killer, yes, sir!

Gomer Pyle!

Gomer Pyle!

Private Gomer Pyle

Sir, yes, sir!

You forget your **** name? O-three-hundred, Infantry. You made it.

Private Joker

Are those... live rounds?

Private Gomer Pyle

Seven-six-two millimeter, full metal jacket.

Private Joker

Leonard, if Hartman comes in here and catches us, we'll both be in a world of shit.

Private Gomer Pyle

I am... in a world... of shit!