Private Joker Is that you John Wayne? Is this me?
2nd most-quoted character in Full Metal Jacket (1987): in 25 of its 72 quotes
Most scenes with: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (6), Private Cowboy (5), Private Gomer Pyle (4)
Parris Island, South Carolina. The Marine Corps Training Depot. An eight-week college for the phony tough and the crazy brave.
More lines from Private Joker
7 quotes Private Joker Private Joker [narrating]
The dead have been covered with lime. The dead know only one thing: it is better to be alive.
Private Joker [narrating]
My thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the Great Homecoming **** Fantasy. I am so happy that I am alive, in one piece, and short. I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid.
Private Joker [being interviewed]
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam... the crown jewel of Southeast Asia. I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture... and kill them. I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill!
Private Joker Ya know, half of these gook whores are serving officers in the Viet Cong; the other half have got T.B. Be sure you only **** the ones that cough.
Private Joker [jokingly]
A day without blood is like a day without sunshine.
Private Joker [narrating]
Graduation is only a few days away, and the recruits of Platoon 3092 are salty. They are ready to eat their own guts and ask for seconds. The drill instructors are proud to see that we are growing beyond their control. The Marine Corps does not want robots. The Marine Corps wants killers. The Marine Corps wants to build indestructible men, men without fear.
Scenes with Private Joker
17 scenes Private Joker [whispering]
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Who said that? Who the **** said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed **** down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy **** godmother said it! Out-****-standing! I will P.T. you all until you **** die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!.
[Gunnery Sergeant Hartman grabs Private Cowboy by the shirt.]
Was it you, you scroungy little ****, huh?!
Sir, no, sir!
You little piece of shit! You look like a **** worm! I'll bet it was you!
Sir, no, sir!
Private Joker Sir, I said it, sir!
Well... no shit. What have we got here, a **** comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and **** my sister.
[Gunnery Sergeant Hartman punches Private Joker in the stomach. He sags to his knees.]
You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best un**** yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
Private Joker Sir, yes, sir!
Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps?
Private Joker Sir, to kill, sir!
So you're a killer!
Private Joker Sir, yes sir!
Let me see your war face!
Private Joker Sir?
You got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a war face. Now let me see your war face!
Private Joker Aaaaaaaagh!
Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face!
Private Joker Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
You don't scare me! Work on it!
Private Joker Sir, yes, sir!
What's your excuse?
Sir, excuse for what, sir?
I'm asking the **** questions here, Private. Do you understand?!
Sir, yes, sir.
Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?
Sir, yes, sir!
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?
Sir, I am, sir!
Do I make you nervous?
Sir!
Sir, what? Were you about to call me an asshole?!
Sir, no, sir!
How tall are you, Private?
Sir, five foot nine, sir!
Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?
Sir, no, sir!
Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated! Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?
Sir, Texas, sir!
Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers and qu**rs come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you suck dicks?
Sir, no, sir!
Are you a p***r-p***er?
Sir, no, sir!
I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would **** a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around! I'll be watching you!
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Sir, yes, sir!
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fatbody?
Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!
Lawrence? Lawrence, what, of Arabia?
Sir, no, sir!
That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty?
Sir, no, sir.
Do you suck dicks?
Sir, no, sir.
Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Sir, no, sir.
I don't like the name Lawrence! Only f****ts and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on you're Gomer Pyle!
Sir, yes, sir!
[Pyle smiles strangely.]
Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?
Sir, no, sir!
Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!
Sir, yes, sir.
Well, any **** time, sweetheart!
Sir, I'm trying, sir.
Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three **** seconds--to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-**** you! One! Two! Three!
Sir, I can't help it, sir!
Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!
[Pvt. Pyle drops to his knees. Sgt. Hartman holds out his hand.]
Now choke yourself!
[Pvt. Pyle puts his own hands around his neck.]
Goddamn it, with my hand, numb nuts!!
[Pvt. Pyle reaches towards Sgt. Hartman's hand. Hartman jerks it away.]
Don't pull my **** hand over there! I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself!
[Pvt. Pyle leans forward onto Sgt. Hartman's hand. Hartman chokes Pyle.]
Are you through grinning?
Bullshit! I can't hear you!
Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!
That's enough! Get on your feet! Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links... or I will definitely **** you up!
Sir, yes, sir!
As soon as you finish your bunks, I want you two turds to clean the head.
Joker and Cowboy
[in unison]
Sir, aye-aye, sir!
I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!
Joker and Cowboy
[in unison]
Sir, yes, sir!
Private Joker, do you believe in the Virgin Mary?
Private Joker Sir, no, sir!
[Hartman throws down the garbage can he's holding with a loud bang.]
Private Joker, I don't believe I heard you correctly!
Private Joker Sir, the private said "No, sir," sir!
Why, you little maggot! You make me want to vomit!
[Hartman slaps Joker, hard, across the cheek.]
You goddamn communist heathen, you had best sound off that you love the Virgin Mary... or I'm gonna stomp your guts out! Now you do love the Virgin Mary, don't you?!
Private Joker Sir, negative, sir!!
Private Joker, are you trying to offend me?!
Private Joker Sir, negative, sir!!! Sir, the private believes that any answer he gives will be wrong! And the Senior Drill Instructor will beat him harder if he reverses himself, sir!
Whose your Squad Leader, scumbag?
Private Joker Sir, the private's Squad Leader is Private Snowball, Sir!
Private Snowball!
Private Snowball Sir, Private Snowball reporting as ordered, Sir!
Private Snowball, you're fired! Private Joker is promoted to Squad Leader.
Private Snowball Sir, aye-aye, Sir!
Disappear, scumbag!
Private Snowball Sir, aye-aye, Sir!
Private Pyle!
Private Pyle reporting as ordered, sir!
Private Pyle, from now on Private Joker is your new squad leader, and you will bunk with him! He'll teach you everything. He'll teach you how to pee.
Sir, yes, sir!
Private Joker is silly and he's ignorant, but he's got guts, and guts is enough. Now, you ladies carry on!
Joker, Cowboy and Pyle
[in unison]
Sir, aye-aye, sir!
[referring to Lee Harvey Oswald and mass murderer Charles Whitman]
Do any of you people know where these individuals learned how to shoot?
Private Joker Sir, in the Marines, sir!
In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated Marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same thing!
[Hartman is calling off assignments to the newly christened Marines]
Joker!
Private Joker Sir, yes, sir!
Forty-two-twelve, Basic Military Journalism. You gotta be shitting me, Joker! You think you're Mickey Spillane? Do you think you're some kind of **** writer?
Private Joker Sir, I wrote for my high school newspaper, sir!
Jesus H. Christ, you're not a writer, you're a killer!
Private Joker A killer, yes, sir!
Gomer Pyle!
You forget your **** name? O-three-hundred, Infantry. You made it.
Private Joker Are those... live rounds?
Seven-six-two millimeter, full metal jacket.
Private Joker [Pyle smiles grotesquely.]
Leonard, if Hartman comes in here and catches us, we'll both be in a world of shit.
I am... in a world... of shit!
What is this Mickey Mouse shit? What in the name of Jesus H. Christ are you animals doing in my head? [to Joker] Why is Private Pyle out of his bunk after lights out?! Why is Private Pyle holding that weapon? Why aren't you stomping Private Pyle's guts out?
Private Joker Sir, it is the private's duty to inform the Senior Drill Instructor that Private Pyle has a full magazine and has locked and loaded, sir!
[Hartman and Pyle look at each other.]
Now you listen to me, Private Pyle, and you listen good. I want that weapon, and I want it now! You will place that rifle on the deck at your feet and step back away from it.
[With a twisted smile on his face, Pyle points the rifle at Hartman.]
What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?!! Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?!!
Private Joker [Pyle shoots Hartman once in the chest, killing him. The body falls to the floor in slow motion; Joker and Pyle stare at it for a moment before Pyle targets Joker.] [trembling]
Easy, Leonard. Go easy, man.
[Pyle sits down heavily on one of the toilets, puts the barrel in his mouth,
Private Joker No!!!
[Pyle pulls the trigger and blood and brains splatter the wall behind him as he slumps backward, dead.]
Don't shit me, man!
Private Joker I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd!
Pogue Colonel
Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
Sergeant Joker
A peace symbol, sir.
Pogue Colonel
Where'd you get it?
Sergeant Joker
I don't remember, sir.
Pogue Colonel
What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Sergeant Joker
"Born to Kill", sir.
Pogue Colonel
You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Sergeant Joker
No, sir.
Pogue Colonel
What is it supposed to mean?
Sergeant Joker
I don't know, sir
Pogue Colonel
You don't know very much, do you?
Sergeant Joker
No, sir
Pogue Colonel
You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.
Sergeant Joker
Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel
Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Sergeant Joker
I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
Pogue Colonel
The what?
Sergeant Joker
The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Pogue Colonel
Whose side are you on, son?
Sergeant Joker
Our side, sir.
Pogue Colonel
Don't you love your country?
Sergeant Joker
Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel
Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Sergeant Joker
Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel
Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every g**k there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
Sergeant Joker
Aye-aye, sir.
You a photographer?
Sergeant Joker
I'm a combat correspondent.
Well you seen much combat?
Sergeant Joker
I've seen a little on TV.
You're a real comedian.
Sergeant Joker
Well they call me the Joker.
Well I got a joke for you. I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.
Sergeant Joker
Well pilgrim, only after you eat the peanuts out of my shit.
You talk the talk. Do you walk the walk?
Sergeant Joker
How can you shoot women and children?
Easy... you don't lead 'em so much. [laughs] Ain't war hell?
Sergeant Joker
I wanna slip my tube steak into your sister. What'll you take in trade?
What do you got?
(after Hand Job is killed)
Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.
Sergeant Joker
What was the matter with him?
He was jerkin' off ten times a day.
Sergeant Eightball
No shit. At least ten times a day.
Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy ****er starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division.
Sergeant Joker
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Hey, start the cameras. This is "Vietnam: The Movie."
Yeah, Joker can be John Wayne. I'll be a horse.
T.H.E. Rock can be a rock.
I'll be Ann-Margret.
Doc Jay Animal Mother can be a rabid buffalo.
I'll be General Custer.
Private Rafterman Well, who'll be the Indians?
Hey, we'll let the gooks play the Indians.
You should do a story about me sometime.
Sergeant Joker
Why should we do a story about you?
Because I'm so **** good!
Do any of you people know who Charles Whitman was? None of you dumbasses knows? [Cowboy raises his hand] Private Cowboy?
Cowboy
[stands up]
Sir, he was that guy who shot all those people from that tower in Austin, Texas, sir!
That's affirmative. Charles Whitman killed 12 people from a 28-story observation tower at the University of Texas, from distances of up to 400 yards. Anybody know who Lee Harvey Oswald was? [all recruits raise their hands] Private Snowball?
Snowball [stands up]
Sir, he shot Kennedy, sir!
That's right. And do you know how far away he was?
Snowball Sir, it was pretty far, from that book suppository building, sir! [the recruits laugh]
All right, knock it off. 250 feet. [Snowball sits down] He was 250 feet away and shooting at a moving target. Oswald got off three rounds with an old Italian bolt-action rifle in only six seconds and scored two hits, including a headshot. Do any of you people know where these individuals learned how to shoot? [Joker raises his hand] Private Joker?
Joker [stands up]
Sir, in the Marines, sir!
In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated Marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same thing!
Da Nang Hooker Hey, baby. You got girlfriend Vietnam?
Joker Not just this minute.
Hooker
Well, baby, me so horny. Me so horny! Me love you long time. You party?
Joker Yeah, we might party. How much?
Da Nang Hooker $15.
Joker $15 for both of us?
Da Nang Hooker No. Each you $15. Me love you long time. Me so horny.
Joker $15 too beaucoup. $5 each.
Da Nang Hooker Me sucky-sucky. Me love you too much.
Joker $5 is all my mom allows me to spend.
Da Nang Hooker Okay. $10 each.
Joker What do we get for $10?
Da Nang Hooker Every t'ing you want.
Joker Everything?
Da Nang Hooker Every t'ing.
Joker [to Rafterman]
Well, old buddy, feel like spending some of your hard-earned money?
[Helicopter Door Gunner opens fire, and Rafterman is uncomfortably nauseous]
Get some! Get some! [continues firing] Get some! Get some! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Come on! Come on! [continues firing] Get some! [continues firing] Ha-ha! Get some, baby! Get some! Get some! Get some! Get some! Get some! Come on! Get it! Come on! Get some! Get some! Yeah-yeah-yeah! I've got you, mother! [stops firing] Ha-ha! [looks at Joker and Raftman] Anyone who runs is a VC! Anyone who stands still is a well-disciplined VC! [laughs] You guys oughta do a story about me sometime!
Joker Why should we do a story about you?!
'Cause I'm so ****in' good! That ain't no shit, neither! I've done got me 157 dead gooks killed. And 50 water buffaloes, too! Them're all certified!
Joker Any women or children?!
Sometimes!
Joker How can you shoot women and children?!
[Rafterman gags in disgust]
Easy! You just don't lead 'em so much! [laughs] Ain't war Hell?
Other characters in Full Metal Jacket
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Animal Mother
Adam Baldwin
Private Cowboy
Arliss Howard
Door Gunner
Tim Colceri
Private Eightball
Dorian Harewood
Private Gomer Pyle
Vincent D'Onofrio
Crazy Earl
Kieron Jecchinis
Donlon
Gary Landon Mills
Recruits
T.H.E. Rock
Sal Lopez
Private/Sergeant "Cowboy" Evans
Lieutenant Lockhart
John Terry
Marching Cadences
Animal Mother
Adam Baldwin
Private Cowboy
Arliss Howard
Door Gunner
Tim Colceri
Private Eightball
Dorian Harewood
Private Gomer Pyle
Vincent D'Onofrio
Crazy Earl
Kieron Jecchinis
Donlon
Gary Landon Mills
Recruits
T.H.E. Rock
Sal Lopez
Private/Sergeant "Cowboy" Evans
Lieutenant Lockhart
John Terry
Marching Cadences
