Divorce Court Judge
The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
The Fool
Woody Allen · 5 quotes
Victor Shakapopulis
Woody Allen · 5 quotes
The Queen
Lynn Redgrave · 3 quotes
The Operator
Tony Randall · 2 quotes
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) quotes
Page 1 of 2
Gina [in Italian]
Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen.
Sperm #1 I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?
Dr. Bernardo Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
Dr. Bernardo Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
But why? What good will this do anybody?
Dr. Bernardo It'll show those fools who called me mad!
Friend
[in Italian]
You got to play with her before you lay her.
Fabrizio [in Italian]
For how long?
Friend
[in Italian]
Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
Fabrizio [in Italian]
How long with your wife?
Friend
[in Italian]
Thirty seconds.
Fabrizio [in Italian, in awe]
Lucky!
Helen Lacey Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
The Girl
For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmative, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
The Girl
I'm a graduate of New York University.
We're gonna make it.
Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
Kiss me quick!
Yes!... where is your quick?
Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
Dr. Bernardo Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
Dr. Bernardo Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
Are we having dessert?
[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]
Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."