Cooper This isn't where I parked my car.
Played by Jacob Pitts 
Eurotrip (2004) · 33 quotes
Eurotrip (2004) · 33 quotes
Most-quoted character in Eurotrip (2004): in 22 of its 33 quotes
Most scenes with: Scott (11), Jenny (5), Jamie (5)
Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. [Jamie looks up, interested] You made out with your sister, man!
More lines from Cooper
6 quotes Cooper Cooper Haha look at Jamie's penis!
Cooper So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
Cooper Hot European Sex!
Cooper Later Bert, stay black bro
Cooper (to Jenny)
You're just a really cool dude with long hair.
Scenes with Cooper
15 scenes
Cecil
So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunkey in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!
Cooper Wow. You guys are on like a completely different level of swearing over here.
So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?
Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
Cooper Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.
It's not gay. I'm a girl.
Kinda gay.
Cooper A little gay.
Cooper Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!
Stop.
Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!
Cooper "We don't need no water let the motha... "
I'm not kidding! Look!
Cooper Oh, holy shit!
Cooper (putting on the pope hat)
Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!
Cooper... take off the pope hat.
Cooper Oh, no. It's OK. I'm catholic.
Take it off, Goddammit!
Cooper Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.
I'm in love with Mieke.
Cooper Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause I think they already know.
No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl.
Cooper No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. [pause] Right? Right? That's hot.
(Scott and cooper after entering the 'FEISTY GOAT' Bar in London)
Hi, What do you wanna........ [pause] Soccer Hooligans
Cooper Hey... This isn't where i parked my car.
English Guy
Oye, Who the bloody hell are you? This is private members bar exclusively for the supporters of the greatest football team in the world...... Manchester United. Now please enlighten me... Who the **** are you?
Cooper That is a good question and... Scotty?
We're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio
English Guy
If you are the Manchester United Supporters then sing the Manchester United song.
Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm not much of a singer
English Guy
OYE... SING
My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me watching [pause] The manchester United Football team! the best freakin' team in all the land woohoo!!"
English Guy
Pretty good.... pretty damn good lads, right!
Hooligan
[with heavy British accent]
So, I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunkie in the tradesmens' entrance, and have her lick me yardballs! Ha, ha!...
Cooper [pause]
Wow... you guys are like on a completely different level of swearing here.
Voiceover
Congratulations, Hudson High Class of 2004!
There she is. Fiona! Hey.
Fiona Hey!
Hey, you.
Fiona Congratulations, graduate. [They hug]
Thanks, baby.
Fiona And congratulations to you, Cooper.F
Cooper [Lean in to hug her]
Aww. Thanks, baby!
Fiona [She pushes Cooper back]
Nice try.
Cooper All right. See you at Wade's party tonight?
See you then. So, it's just you and me for the entire summer. Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned.
Fiona Scott, we need to talk.
Yeah? About what?
Fiona About me dumping you.
Huh?
Scott's father: There he is! The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend.
Scott's mother: [Shooting camcorder] Okay? Smile, you two! Action!
Dad, Mom, Grandma... Uncle Moke... uh... I'm gonna need a minute here, okay? [To Fiona] What do you mean, you're dumping me?
Fiona I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.
What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.
Fiona I know. That's what makes this so hard.
Scott's father: You're looking good, you guys.
Fiona Scotty, it's not you. It's me. There I go, lying again. No, it was you. You're just so... predictable.
Scott's mother: Smile!
Fiona So, that's it. Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye.
This isn't mine!
Scott's father: She's a keeper, huh?
Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Fiona!
Cooper [Watching on computer]
Let's see that again.
Fiona!
Cooper This is just so brutal. And yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on.
Fiona!
Bert, get out of here!
Cooper All right. Stay black, bro. [Fist bumps him]
Bert
Okay. See you. [Walking in hallway] "Fiona!"
Computer
Mail, mother****er!
Hey, I got one from Mieke. "Happy Herzlichen."
Cooper Still writing that guy? I thought that was for German class.
Yeah at first, but we're actually becoming good friends. He's a really cool guy. "Dear Mieke, greetings from your American pen pal."
Cooper Scotty, Girl Scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a [does air quotes] "cool guy" on the "internet." This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know, he'll want to "arrange a meeting" where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van, and make a wind chime out of your genitals. Come on, let's go to Wade's.
All right. Screw it. Let's go. I'm not gonna let Fiona ruin my graduation night. Auf wiedersehen, Mieke.
[Scott wakes up at top of double decker bus in motion]
I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up.
Cooper Oh, man, that was a wild night.
You think?
Cooper Scotty, where the hell are we going?
Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.
...
[In the backyard] Scott's mother: Honey, where's Scotty?
Scott's father: Cooper said they were going camping.
Scott's mother: Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert?
Scott's father: **** if I know.
...
Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should have a seat at the table.
Cooper Right.
Except those **** Ities. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean?
Excuse me.
Hello, boyo!
What the hell happened last night?
You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.
What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going?
We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris. Aren't we, boys? [All hooligans break out in cheers] Yeah!
Cooper [To hooligan]
Why are you yelling at me?
Cecil
[With heavy Mancunian accent]
So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!
Cooper Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.
Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris!
Cooper I know. Cecil told me.
Mieke's in Berlin.
Cooper We're not going to Berlin.
What are we gonna do? We need a plan.
Cooper See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking. Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.
That's why France and Germany have always been allies.
Hooligan
Aye, allies.
The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.
Cooper Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls. [Scott snatches the phone] Hey, don't...
...
[Bus arrives in paris] [Spots a supporter of the rival team]
Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a **** good kicking! Come on, lads, he's going off! [All the hooligans charge after the man]
...
All right. Twins said they'd meet us here. [Spots them] Look at that! There they are. Come on. Jenny! Jamie! Hey! Come here!
No, no. No, no, no! Scott, bienvenue a Paris!
Thank you.
Cooper Is that a new camera?
It isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M. Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.
Cooper Let me see that thing.
No can do. I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me.
Cooper It's like your wiener.
No, it's not... Jenny...
Cooper, leave him alone. Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.
Cooper Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty. She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.
I'm a girl from your high school.
Cooper No, I mean "girl" girls.
Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris! Let's go to the Louvre!
In unison
To the Louvre!
Cooper So, you guys wanna stay here, or should we check out the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?
Here's a fun fact. Voltaire contracted syphilis two blocks from here. Should we go?
Cooper Can we please get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.
Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
Cooper I really don't like him.
Why? Because he's doing this?
Cooper Okay, seriously, don't do that. Cooper. Do not hate me.
I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get... freaky. You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay. [Robotman pushes him] Oh!
Fight! Fight!
Cooper Break the leg shot!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.
Scott's friends: Ohhh! That was not cool. Oh!
Guys, let's go. Come on.
Robotman Error! Error! Error!
...
[They are all in a restaurant]
How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together. Why don't you come to Berlin?
Umm, no.
Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges. This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this. Plus, we're in Europe. Huh? This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up. All right, this table is now Europe, Okay? Excuse me. We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke, who is over here, in Berlin. If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way. We can go to Denmark.
I love Denmark.
Cooper We gotta hit Amsterdam.
Definitely.
And the cathedral at Cameret!
Yeah... Maybe. We'll see.
Cooper Whatever.
If there's time. Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.
Cooper Fine.
Excellent! All right! A toast!
Cooper Yes!
To Mieke! To Europe!
In unison
To Europe! Merci. Berlin, here we come! All right.
Cooper What the hell is that?
It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything.
Cooper Except your dignity.
No, you just put that in your... wait, what?
Cooper Come on, guidebook. Let's go.
...
Cooper [Becomes transfixed on woman bending over at vending machine]
Check it out. European ass. [Woman turns around and it's Jenny]
What's up?
Cooper Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some... girl. Come on. Platform 4.
Thanks.
Christoph [He catches the can]
I believe this is yours. Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.
Cooper Jenny, let's go! Move it!
Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin...
Cooper Jenny!
I'm coming!
Christoph So, it was really nice to meet you. The pleasure was all mine.
Jennifer.
Cooper [They're riding the train and Cooper starts singing through closed lips; "Scotty Doesn't Know" with Scott's glare]
What? You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.
[They all join in singing with projection] ...
[Italian man enters train compartment and sits between Jamie and Cooper squeezed in]
You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.
Italian man
Huh? Ah! Si, si. Pardon me. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with the man got his hand on Jamie's knee who looks down at his hand who points to it with an open hand] Eh? Ohhh... Scusi. Mi scusi. Hi. [Jamie and Cooper rush to other seat side but Jamie is pushed away, man pats Jamie's seat spot] Buongiorno. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with man massaging Jamie's shoulders]
What the hell are you doing?!
Italian man
Mi scusi, mi scusi.
No! No, no, no!
Uh-oh.
What?!
Big tunnel!
Who's touching me?! Scotty, is that you?! Who's touching me?! Scotty! Oh!
Italian man
[Tunnel emerges with all of them on other compartment side with man on their side with his pants off and smoking a cigarette]
Mi Scusi. Buongiorno. [Man is thrown out of compartment and his pants thrown out after who picks it up and walks away]
Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.
Cooper Well, we got a couple of hours to kill. What's there to see in this town?
Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres. It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea. Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving."
Cooper What the hell is wrong with you, C-3PO? We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.
Hmm. Says here this town has a famous nude beach.
Cooper All right, we can't all just lie around all day. We gotta experience the culture firsthand. Let's go exploring!
This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.
You'll do great, Scotty.
Thanks.
Cooper I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. [Grandmother greets door] Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!
Stop. [Mieke's father appears] Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.
Mieke's father: I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.
Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father: She's gone for the summer.
...
[Scott, Cooper and Mieke's father are seated in living room] Mieke's father: My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why.
I think I know why.
Mieke's father: This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden.
Do you know where she is now?
Mieke's father: She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean, so she found a program that combines all her interests.
Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father: She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in Rome.
Rome. Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.
Mieke's father: Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation. Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer. She'll be quite unreachable.
Unreachable.
Mieke's father: Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow, then she gets on that boat and she's gone.
So, it's over?
...
Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but... you should probably call your parents, have them wire you some money and go home.
What are you gonna do?
I'm going to Rome. I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.
Maybe that'll help.
Where'd you get all that? Wait. Where's your Leica?
Sold it.
What? You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing. What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?
Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours. Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.
Come here, guidebook!
Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!
...
Tour guide All right, summer at sea group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.
There it is.
Swiss guard This entrance is for private tour groups only.
Oh... but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America. That guy in the orange jacket is mentally ****. [Cooper struggles with his ice cream cone]
Swiss guard Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.
Yes, it is.
Swiss guard But if you are a tour, where is your guide?
We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
What? No... The Vatican has been used as a papal residence ever since the time of Constantine the Great of the 5th century A.D.!
Swiss guard Oh. Okay... um... if you'll all follow me, please. Have a very special day for a very special little man.
Cooper Okay. I can't believe that guy let us in. What a ****!
Swiss guard [To Jamie]
Scusate. One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick. [Points to a tour group] Could you please take these peoples also?
Tourist 1
How big is Vatican City?
We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
0.5 square kilometers.
Tourist 2
Who built the colonnades?
Gianlorenzo Bernini, 1656.
Tourist 3
Where are the bathrooms?
Floors 6 and 7. Next I'll take you to where the College of Cardinals elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...
Tour guide Behind me is the appartamento papale, or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.
Mieke Excuse me, miss. What is this?
Tour guide That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome rings this bell to notify the people of Rome. Next we will view the Sistine Chapel. Follow me, please.
...
Cooper Come on. I think I hear them.
Which way did they go?
Cooper That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.
Good enough for me.
Cooper Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does. [Pull's on bell rope]
It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go. [They walk into Papal Chambers]
Cooper They got a lot of old stuff here.
St. Peter's square man: Dio mio! The bell of San Marco! The pope is dead!
Whoa. She's not in here. Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.
Cooper [Puts on a pope mitre]
Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!
Cooper... take off the pope hat.
Cooper Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic.
Take it off, goddamnit!
Cooper Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.
Take that fudging thing off!
Cooper The pope breaks an open-field tackle. It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the forty...the thirty...the twenty...the ten...touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. [Puts a mitre on Scott] And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?
Cooper "We don't need no water let the m... "
I'm not kidding! Look!
Cooper Oh, holy shit!
I don't want this! Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go! [Cooper throws hat into fireplace]
Cooper and Scott
Whoa!
St. Peter's square man: White smoke! They've elected the new pope!
Newscaster
I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move, has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.
This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope. We could be seeing history in the making!
We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
[Spots Mieke in the square from window]
There she is. Mieke! Hey! Stupid curtain! Let me out! Mieke!
St. Peter's square man: It's the new pope!
The Pope: [watching News on TV] What the hell...?
Mieke! Hold on! [After he disguised as the pope, he leaps onto a banner curtain]
St. Peter's square man: This is one crazy pope.
Swiss guard You! Ferma! Stop! You! You... and your **** friend, you're in big, big trouble.
Oy! Take your mitts off them boys! They're with me! I've just about had enough of you ****in' ities!
Swiss guard But I am Swiss!
Them, too! [Puts arm on Scott's shoulders] Now, bud... you get in there, and you say what you got to say.
Mieke. I'm here. I made it.
Mieke Who are you?
Bert
What a **** loser! I'm gonna videotape this.
I'm Scott.
Mieke From Ohio? Scott? Scott Thomas?
Yes.
Mieke From Ohio? What are you doing in Rome?
I came here to be with you. Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I got chased by naked men. I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them. I watched a brother and sister make out. I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that... so I could tell you one thing. I love you, Mieke.
Crowd
Aww...
We're perfect for each other. What do you think?
Mieke I think...
...
Old woman confessor
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?
Mieke Oh, yes!
Old woman confessor
Father?
...
Cooper This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.
I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.
Cooper What?
...
Mieke Scott, I have to go.
Okay.
Mieke My boat is leaving. I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.
What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.
Mieke Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?
Yeah, I will.
Mieke Go.
Bye. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo!
...
[They're seated at an outdoor cafe]
Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together. This was the best time of my life.
Arthur Excuse me. You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?
Listen, I'm very sorry...
Arthur I just wanted to thank you. You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic, tour guide I've ever had.
Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide. I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized. Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.
Arthur How would you like to add them?
Excuse me?
Arthur That's my guidebook. I'm Arthur Frommer. [Hands Jamie his business card]
...
[They're at the airport]
It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.
That sounds so exciting... for you.
I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this. A disposable camera. That's right.
Thanks, Scotty.
That's from both of us.
Cooper [Answers phone]
Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... goodbye, sir.
They had to catch you eventually, right?
Cooper No, they fired Humphrey.
Shut up!
Cooper I got his office and a raise.
No!
PA Announcer
Flight from Rome to Cleveland...
That's you guys. Have a good flight, everybody.
Come here. [They hug]
Be good. Oh! Okay... Cooper, have a good flight. Be good.
Cooper Thanks. I'm on it.
...
Cooper [Airborne on a plane, Jenny whispers to Cooper, seductively steps over him and walks to the toilet and then Cooper joins her later] [In the toilet]
This still counts as Europe, right?
...
[Typing e-mail]
"Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible. I just moved into my dorm room today, but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break. This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct." [Answers phone] Hello?
Cooper [Walking across campus quad]
Hey, buddy, how's college?
I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.
Cooper Do they room all you pre-med geeks together?
I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.
Cooper German? I've got a better idea. Why don't you major in not being such a woman?
So, how's Jenny?
Cooper Jenny... Jenny who? I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all... [Jenny slaps him on the head from off-camera and takes his phone] ow!
Hey, Scotty, what's up?
Hi, Jenny! How's Jamie doing with Frommer?
Cooper [Cooper has spotted a gold-colored busker performing a robot dance]
Oh, no. Hold on. Come here, robot!
Cooper, not again!
[Hears a knock on his dorm door]
Hold on, this could be my new roommate. [Opens door to Mieke]
Cooper [With the busker in a head-lock and Jenny holding up phone to him]
What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
Mieke I just got your last email.
What are you doing here?
Mieke Going to college.
You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke This one. Room 214.
How is this possible?
Mieke I guess they thought I was a guy.
Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
Cooper Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty? Scotty?! Scotty?! Scotty!
...
Green Fairy hallucination This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.
...
Father [Bert is in backyard with his father]
Catchy tune.
Bert
****in'-a, man.
...
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.
Sounds great.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby. Sorry. Get it?
She got it.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables... in your anus.
...
Madame Vandersexxx Drink? I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, Okay? Ready?
Cooper Quit.
Madame Vandersexxx Shut up. Sorry. I know I **** it up. Yes! You take her hair... and one strand at a time, pull it out! Use her like a humping post!
...
Cooper Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos. Show them something they haven't seen.
...
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring, or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated, along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.
...
[Jumping up and down topless on highway shoulder with back to camera]
Hey! Check these out! I'm eighteen-years-old!
...
Candy Is it off yet?
Cooper No, keep rubbing it.