[Scott wakes up at top of double decker bus in motion]
I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up.
Oh, man, that was a wild night.
Scotty, where the hell are we going?
Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.
...
[In the backyard] Scott's mother: Honey, where's Scotty?
Scott's father: Cooper said they were going camping.
Scott's mother: Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert?
Scott's father: **** if I know.
...
Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should have a seat at the table.
Except those **** Ities. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean?
What the hell happened last night?
You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.
What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going?
We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris. Aren't we, boys? [All hooligans break out in cheers] Yeah!
[To hooligan]
Why are you yelling at me?
C Cecil
[With heavy Mancunian accent]
So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!
Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.
Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris!
We're not going to Berlin.
What are we gonna do? We need a plan.
See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking. Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.
That's why France and Germany have always been allies.
The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.
Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls. [Scott snatches the phone] Hey, don't...
...
[Bus arrives in paris] [Spots a supporter of the rival team]
Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a **** good kicking! Come on, lads, he's going off! [All the hooligans charge after the man]
...
All right. Twins said they'd meet us here. [Spots them] Look at that! There they are. Come on. Jenny! Jamie! Hey! Come here!
No, no. No, no, no! Scott, bienvenue a Paris!
Jamie It isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M. Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.
Jamie No can do. I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me.
Jamie No, it's not... Jenny...
Cooper, leave him alone. Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.
Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty. She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.
I'm a girl from your high school.
Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris! Let's go to the Louvre!
IU In unison
To the Louvre!
So, you guys wanna stay here, or should we check out the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?
Jamie Here's a fun fact. Voltaire contracted syphilis two blocks from here. Should we go?
Can we please get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.
Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
Why? Because he's doing this?
Okay, seriously, don't do that. Cooper. Do not hate me.
I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get... freaky. You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay. [Robotman pushes him] Oh!
Jamie Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.
Scott's friends: Ohhh! That was not cool. Oh!
R Robotman
Error! Error! Error!
...
[They are all in a restaurant]
How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together. Why don't you come to Berlin?
Jamie Umm, no.
Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges. This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this. Plus, we're in Europe. Huh? This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up. All right, this table is now Europe, Okay? Excuse me. We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke, who is over here, in Berlin. If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way. We can go to Denmark.
Jamie And the cathedral at Cameret!
Yeah... Maybe. We'll see.
If there's time. Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.
Excellent! All right! A toast!
IU In unison
To Europe! Merci. Berlin, here we come! All right.
This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.
I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. [Grandmother greets door] Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!
Stop. [Mieke's father appears] Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.
Mieke's father: I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.
Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father: She's gone for the summer.
...
[Scott, Cooper and Mieke's father are seated in living room] Mieke's father: My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why.
I think I know why.
Mieke's father: This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden.
Do you know where she is now?
Mieke's father: She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean, so she found a program that combines all her interests.
Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father: She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in Rome.
Rome. Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.
Mieke's father: Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation. Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer. She'll be quite unreachable.
Unreachable.
Mieke's father: Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow, then she gets on that boat and she's gone.
Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but... you should probably call your parents, have them wire you some money and go home.
Jamie What are you gonna do?
I'm going to Rome. I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.
Jamie Maybe that'll help.
Where'd you get all that? Wait. Where's your Leica?
Jamie Sold it.
What? You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing. What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?
Jamie Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours. Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.
Jamie Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!
...
TG Tour guide
All right, summer at sea group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.
SG Swiss guard
This entrance is for private tour groups only.
Oh... but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America. That guy in the orange jacket is mentally ****. [Cooper struggles with his ice cream cone]
SG Swiss guard
Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.
SG Swiss guard
But if you are a tour, where is your guide?
We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
Jamie What? No... The Vatican has been used as a papal residence ever since the time of Constantine the Great of the 5th century A.D.!
SG Swiss guard
Oh. Okay... um... if you'll all follow me, please. Have a very special day for a very special little man.
Okay. I can't believe that guy let us in. What a ****!
SG Swiss guard
[To Jamie]
Scusate. One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick. [Points to a tour group] Could you please take these peoples also?
T1 Tourist 1
How big is Vatican City?
We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
Jamie 0.5 square kilometers.
T2 Tourist 2
Who built the colonnades?
Jamie Gianlorenzo Bernini, 1656.
T3 Tourist 3
Where are the bathrooms?
Jamie Floors 6 and 7. Next I'll take you to where the College of Cardinals elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...
[On an upper floor]
Mieke must be around here somewhere. Let's go.
...
TG Tour guide
Behind me is the appartamento papale, or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.
M Mieke
Excuse me, miss. What is this?
TG Tour guide
That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome rings this bell to notify the people of Rome. Next we will view the Sistine Chapel. Follow me, please.
...
Come on. I think I hear them.
That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.
Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does. [Pull's on bell rope]
It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go. [They walk into Papal Chambers]
They got a lot of old stuff here.
St. Peter's square man: Dio mio! The bell of San Marco! The pope is dead!
Whoa. She's not in here. Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.
[Puts on a pope mitre]
Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!
Cooper... take off the pope hat.
Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic.
Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.
Take that fudging thing off!
The pope breaks an open-field tackle. It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the forty...the thirty...the twenty...the ten...touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. [Puts a mitre on Scott] And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?
[Points to Cooper's hat]
Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!
"We don't need no water let the m... "
I don't want this! Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go! [Cooper throws hat into fireplace]
CA Cooper and Scott
Whoa!
St. Peter's square man: White smoke! They've elected the new pope!
N Newscaster
I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move, has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.
Jamie This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope. We could be seeing history in the making!
We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
[Spots Mieke in the square from window]
There she is. Mieke! Hey! Stupid curtain! Let me out! Mieke!
St. Peter's square man: It's the new pope!
The Pope: [watching News on TV] What the hell...?
Mieke! Hold on! [After he disguised as the pope, he leaps onto a banner curtain]
St. Peter's square man: This is one crazy pope.
SG Swiss guard
You! Ferma! Stop! You! You... and your **** friend, you're in big, big trouble.
Oy! Take your mitts off them boys! They're with me! I've just about had enough of you ****in' ities!
SG Swiss guard
But I am Swiss!
Them, too! [Puts arm on Scott's shoulders] Now, bud... you get in there, and you say what you got to say.
Mieke. I'm here. I made it.
B Bert
What a **** loser! I'm gonna videotape this.
M Mieke
From Ohio? Scott? Scott Thomas?
M Mieke
From Ohio? What are you doing in Rome?
I came here to be with you. Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I got chased by naked men. I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them. I watched a brother and sister make out. I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that... so I could tell you one thing. I love you, Mieke.
We're perfect for each other. What do you think?
[Scott and Mieke are making out in a confessional box]
Oh, Mike... Mieke!
OW Old woman confessor
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?
OW Old woman confessor
Father?
...
This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.
I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.
M Mieke
Scott, I have to go.
M Mieke
My boat is leaving. I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.
What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.
M Mieke
Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?
Bye. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo!
...
[They're seated at an outdoor cafe]
Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together. This was the best time of my life.
A Arthur
Excuse me. You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?
Jamie Listen, I'm very sorry...
A Arthur
I just wanted to thank you. You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic, tour guide I've ever had.
Jamie Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide. I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized. Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.
A Arthur
How would you like to add them?
Jamie Excuse me?
A Arthur
That's my guidebook. I'm Arthur Frommer. [Hands Jamie his business card]
...
Jamie [They're at the airport]
It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.
That sounds so exciting... for you.
I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this. A disposable camera. That's right.
Jamie Thanks, Scotty.
[Answers phone]
Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... goodbye, sir.
They had to catch you eventually, right?
I got his office and a raise.
PA PA Announcer
Flight from Rome to Cleveland...
Jamie That's you guys. Have a good flight, everybody.
Jamie Be good. Oh! Okay... Cooper, have a good flight. Be good.
[Airborne on a plane, Jenny whispers to Cooper, seductively steps over him and walks to the toilet and then Cooper joins her later] [In the toilet]
This still counts as Europe, right?
...
[Typing e-mail]
"Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible. I just moved into my dorm room today, but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break. This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct." [Answers phone] Hello?
[Walking across campus quad]
Hey, buddy, how's college?
I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.
Do they room all you pre-med geeks together?
I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.
German? I've got a better idea. Why don't you major in not being such a woman?
Jenny... Jenny who? I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all... [Jenny slaps him on the head from off-camera and takes his phone] ow!
Hi, Jenny! How's Jamie doing with Frommer?
[Cooper has spotted a gold-colored busker performing a robot dance]
Oh, no. Hold on. Come here, robot!
[Hears a knock on his dorm door]
Hold on, this could be my new roommate. [Opens door to Mieke]
[With the busker in a head-lock and Jenny holding up phone to him]
What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
M Mieke
I just got your last email.
M Mieke
Going to college.
You're going to college here? What dorm?
M Mieke
This one. Room 214.
M Mieke
I guess they thought I was a guy.
Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty? Scotty?! Scotty?! Scotty!
...
GF Green Fairy hallucination
This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.
...
F Father
[Bert is in backyard with his father]
Catchy tune.
B Bert
****in'-a, man.
...
AH Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.
AH Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby. Sorry. Get it?
AH Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables... in your anus.
...
MV Madame Vandersexxx
Drink? I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, Okay? Ready?
MV Madame Vandersexxx
Shut up. Sorry. I know I **** it up. Yes! You take her hair... and one strand at a time, pull it out! Use her like a humping post!
...
Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos. Show them something they haven't seen.
...
AH Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring, or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated, along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.
...
[Jumping up and down topless on highway shoulder with back to camera]
Hey! Check these out! I'm eighteen-years-old!
...
