AV A.V.L. Tech
Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kinda of... monster!
Wait, that’s not a monster. [zooms in on the boat, revealing Bratt] That's a man wearing shoulder pads! There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated, Balthazar Bratt. Blast it, the Dumont Diamond is on that ship! I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately!
We're already here! Agents Grucy are closing fast!
Yeah! Wait. What? What did you call us?
Grucy! You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together. Try it.
Oh, I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it.
Game over! [laughs evilly as he tries to reach for his keytar, but realizes that it's gone]
[to Bratt, who has got Bratt's keytar]
Is this what you're looking for?
[last words]
NO!!! [Gru blasts energy at him by music playing with Money for Nothing by Dire Straits.] No! Ow! No! Whoa! Aaaah! [The blast blows off Bratt's clothes] Waaaah! [and he tumbles backwards.] Ah! Oh! Whoa! No! [Dangling upside down from a bubble of gum, he floats away] NO...! [Gru drops the keytar, then walks off.] Curse you, Gru! [Due to him being upside down, he bumps his head into an Onions billboard as Anti-Villain League helicopters fly over to him] D'oh! Curse you!
Gru! Did you actually think I was unconscious?
It's called acting, hoser. And clearly, I've still got it!
Agh! Whoa! AGHHH! Ooh-aaah! Whoa! Aaaaah! Woahhhh! Whoa! Ah-ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Aaaah! Oh! Ah! Ow!
[Bratt music plays the intro to Jump by Van Halen on his sonic keytar, blowing Gru off of the ship] [cries out]
B Brat
I've been a ba-a-ad boy! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
AT Alpha Team Leader
Freeze! Don't move!
Oh, this is so amazing. It's like the Sistine Chappell! But with pigs.
B Both
[He comes the stairs and Gru is amazed]
My brother!
[he is laughing and he takes off his hat and shown his blonde hair that Gru is uncomfortable]
Eh… [notices Lucy and dances with her] You must be the beautiful wife!
Beautiful? Oh! [Dru twirls her around and catches her; laughs] Stop it! [tugs Dru's scarf] Sweet talker.
[wraps his arm around Gru, with the other still holding Lucy]
How is my brother finding a wife like you when he is so bald? [rubs Gru's head] I'm joking!
O Officer
[while watching the minions run by]
What are you doing? Intruders! Intruders!
O1 Officer 1
[the Officers are right behind the minions with their rabid German Shepherds]
There they are!
O1 Officer 1
Hey, you! Don’t move! Halt!
M Minions
[run as the police are right behind them, then they go into a door, the door closes, the police catch up to them]
O1 Officer 1
[while Officer 2 is panting]
Call for backup!
Thank you for coming in such short notice. It is with great sadness that I must inform that as of today, I am retiring as head of the AVL.
[All the agents gasp in shock]
Oh, no!
Your new leader is coming directly from head office, effective immediately. She is the very gifted. [under his breath] The very ambitious, Miss Valerie da Vinci. As I look out over all your faces, I am fluttered with so many memories.
VD Valerie da Vinci
Oh, boy, this is a snooze fest! Blah, blah, blah, we understand, you're old, look, you're fat, you're done.
Ooh! [grunts] Let me breathe in! [gets shoved into the ejection hole]
V Valerie
Whew, broke a little sweat there. [chuckles] First order of business. [clears her throat] WHICH ONE OF YOU LOSERS IS AGENT GRU?!
Oh, that would be me. Although, I don't know if I'd say "loser," per se. Kind of is... [gasps and hears his phone ringing, he pulls it out, looking at Agenes, Margo and Edith] Oh, it's the girls. Not a good time.
[screams]
Yes, sir! [gasping] Uh, ma'am? You're making me nervous.
V Valerie
How could you let Balthazar Bratt, the AVL's most wanted villain, just get away? That is the opposite of what we do here!
Okay, okay. Yes, maybe he got away. Again. But he didn't get the diamond. And I am this close to bringing him in. This close.
V Valerie
Huh. Interesting. YOU'RE FIRED!
That's totally not fair. Gru is a great agent! You know what? If you fire him, you're gonna have to fire me, sister-sister. And do you really want to do that? Do ya?
[the men throw Gru and Lucy]
No, no, no, no, no, hey!
[they both fall down, screaming, putting parachutes on]
Well, I guess she did.
SF Scar-Faced Man
[Edith and Agnes are at the Tipsy Unicorn tavern. Agnes discovers a real unicorn's horn.]
I'm telling you I saw one once. With my own eye! [On 'eye', he bends down toward Agnes' face]
[waving her arms to halt the man]
Wait, wait, wait. You saw a for-real live UNICORN?! What did it look like? What do you think?[gasps] Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? [shocks and rages] Was it FLUFYYYYYY?!
SF Scar-Faced Man
It was so fluffy; I thought I was gonna die!
Do you think maybe I could find one, too?
SF Scar-Faced Man
Oh. They say if a maiden pure of heart goes into the Crooked Forest, the unicorn will come and be hers, forever.
[Agnes holds her breath and starts screaming, causing breaking the window. Lucy heard Agnes screaming]
AGNES! [kicks the man, grabbing the man, kicking the man, grabbing the table, kicking the man] Goal! Excuse me. [takes a dart off, putting another on the nose] Girls, don't worry, I'm here. Are you okay?
Edith Yeah, we're fine. Are you?
Unicorns are really real! And I'm gonna find one!
Aw. Sorry. Went a little Mama Bear on you. You know, I heard a scream and... Yeah, okay. Have a good one.
"Lucy": Whoo-hoo! [scatting] Whoo! I will take this. [takes the diamond on Gru’s hand] You've been a bad boy, Gru. [slaps on Gru’s face] Can you get the rest of the suitcases? Come on! Girls. Let's go! [singing] Let's get physical, physical… [The girls are packing the suitcases to going home and Gru leaves; outside "Lucy" and the girls are going inside the plane; continues singing insistinctly] Change of plans, girls. [straining] Instead of going home… Eyebrows! Ow! [grunts; Lucy pulls of her face, revealing to actually be... Bratt in disguise!]
...We're going to Hollywood! [laughs evilly; the girls gasp in horror] Now, that's what I call acting. [chuckling] Let's go, Clive! We've got a giant robot waiting! [Clive laughs]
[At the mansion, Gru is about to leave out the door when suddenly he hears banging from the closet]
Huh? [opens the closet door and gasps] Lucy? [finds the real Lucy bound and gagged in the closet, removes her gag] But...
Bratt! He took the girls!
What? No! [watches in horror as the jet flies off; he and Lucy rush into Dru's room where Dru is drowning his misery in ice cream after his argument] Dru! Dru!
[turns his back on Gru]
Go away! I don't wanna talk to you.
(We need your help.)
Bratt has the girls! [Dru gasps in shock. Cut to Gru, Dru, and Lucy flying on their hovercraft] Listen, brother, about-about what I said, I–
I shouldn't have... I'm... I'm sorry.
AT AVL Tech
Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kind of... monster!
Wait, that’s not a monster. [zooms in on the boat, revealing Bratt] That’s a man wearing shoulder pads! There’s only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated, Balthazar Bratt. Blast it, the Dupont Diamond is on that ship! I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately!
[chortling]
Hello, Hollywood! [on speaker] I am back and bigger than ever.
[shrieking]
I'm scared! Oh my.
C Celebrity
Thank you. Thank you so... Oh! [All shrieking] No! No! No, you can’t leave me here! I’m famous!
[chortles]
Clive, arm the cannons. Chew on this! [shrieking; chortling]
Edith [All shrieking] [Pants and Shrieks] [Shrieks]
Hey, mullet head! Let us out!
Oh, do not worry, girls. I’ve prepare a front row seat for you.
[All gasping and shrieking] [Agnes shrieks]
Agnes!
Once again, I win and Gru loses! Enjoy the show, girls.
[All gasp]
What in the heck?
Oh! I hope the girls are okay.
Bratt! Bratt at 9:00... No! 3:00! He's on the left! [gasps] No! I’ve seen this episode! He’s going to bubblegum the whole city and send it up into space!
[gasps]
Hurry!
[Dru [gasps]
Game over! [laughs evilly as he searches for his keytar only to find it missing] Huh?
[holding Bratt's keytar]
Is this what you're looking for?
No! [gets blasted away by Gru into the bubble gum, similar to Bratt blasting away Gru in the beginning, this time playing Dire Straits' Money for Nothing] No! Curse you, Gru! Ow! Curse you!
Gru! Did you actually think I was unconscious?
It's called acting, hoser. And clearly, I've still got it! [plays the intro to Van Halen's "Jump" on his sonic keytar, blowing Gru off of the ship] I've been a bad boy! Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa!
Hello, Gru! How's your transition coming? Y'know, from world's worst villain to world's worst agent? [aims a gun at Gru]
Oh, that's hilarious! You should be on TV! [smacks the gun off Bratt's hand] Oh, that's right! You were! [pulls out his freeze ray] But then you got cancelled!
[smacks the freeze ray off Gru's hand and pulls out a larger gun]
Ha, ha!
[smacks the gun away and then pulls out a small water pistol]
Oh-ho! What about that? Wha? Oh! Girls! [throws the water pistol at Bratt's head]
You know what, Clive? Playing a villain on TV was fun, but being one in real life is even better! Heist music!
C Clive
Here it comes! [inserts a tape into the boat's radio, which plays Berlin's "Take My Breath Away"]
[exclaims in disgust]
What? Clive, what are you doing? How is that heist music?
C Clive
Sorry! My bad! [ejects the tape, flips it over, then inserts it back, now playing Michael Jackson's "Bad"]
