Steve quotes from Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
Played by Josh Hutcherson
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Mr. Tall: [Whisper kind of voice] Are you boys 21? Are you 21?... Say yes!
Darren Shan: Yeah.
Steve: Yes.
Mr. Tall: [Same whisper voice] Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!
Darren Shan: No.
Steve: Nope. [shakes head]
Mr. Tall: Good, go right in, the show is about to start.
Darren Shan: Yeah.
Steve: Yes.
Mr. Tall: [Same whisper voice] Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!
Darren Shan: No.
Steve: Nope. [shakes head]
Mr. Tall: Good, go right in, the show is about to start.
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Larten Crepsley: Now, are you mentally unfit? Didn't you hear me threaten you at the show?
Steve: I did. It was awesome. You see, I want this. I want you to make me into a vampire. Vampires- they don't take crap from anybody. They live by their own set of rules.
Larten Crepsley: It's true; they do have their own rules. We wrote some of them.
Gavner Purl: And one of those rules is: "Children can't become vampires."
Steve: Look- blood! [Holds out a small cut on his hand]
Larten Crepsley: [Wide-eyed] Blood! You see Gavner! Blood... [Crepsley drops the act and gives Steve a deadpan expression.] Look. If you become a vampire, you have to leave your friends, and your family; it's deeply depressing. Trust me. Now get out of here!
[Steve is silent for a few moments]
Steve: I haven't seen my dad in years. My mom's drunk all the time. I absolutely hate my life! I've never actually said it before, but it's the truth. This is what I was meant for.
Larten Crepsley: What you were meant for? Well, if that's the case, let's test your blood.
Gavner Purl: Larten...
[Crepsley tastes some of Steve's blood, but immediately spits it back out.]
Larten Crepsley: Who sent you here? Your blood tastes of evil. You can never be a vampire.
Steve: [In disbelief, then anger] What, I have... bad blood? I'm never gonna forget this. One day, I promise you, I will hunt you down-
Larten Crepsley: And what? Kill me? You know how easily I could kill you. I could do it tonight. I could knock you out, and lay you in front of a bus, and no one would ever know!
Gavner Purl: Calm down; save that stuff for the enemy! He's just an idiot kid! [Quietly, looking at Steve] Who should be leaving, right now, while he still can.
[Steve turns and leaves; the instant he is out Gavner kicks the door shut.]
Steve: I did. It was awesome. You see, I want this. I want you to make me into a vampire. Vampires- they don't take crap from anybody. They live by their own set of rules.
Larten Crepsley: It's true; they do have their own rules. We wrote some of them.
Gavner Purl: And one of those rules is: "Children can't become vampires."
Steve: Look- blood! [Holds out a small cut on his hand]
Larten Crepsley: [Wide-eyed] Blood! You see Gavner! Blood... [Crepsley drops the act and gives Steve a deadpan expression.] Look. If you become a vampire, you have to leave your friends, and your family; it's deeply depressing. Trust me. Now get out of here!
[Steve is silent for a few moments]
Steve: I haven't seen my dad in years. My mom's drunk all the time. I absolutely hate my life! I've never actually said it before, but it's the truth. This is what I was meant for.
Larten Crepsley: What you were meant for? Well, if that's the case, let's test your blood.
Gavner Purl: Larten...
[Crepsley tastes some of Steve's blood, but immediately spits it back out.]
Larten Crepsley: Who sent you here? Your blood tastes of evil. You can never be a vampire.
Steve: [In disbelief, then anger] What, I have... bad blood? I'm never gonna forget this. One day, I promise you, I will hunt you down-
Larten Crepsley: And what? Kill me? You know how easily I could kill you. I could do it tonight. I could knock you out, and lay you in front of a bus, and no one would ever know!
Gavner Purl: Calm down; save that stuff for the enemy! He's just an idiot kid! [Quietly, looking at Steve] Who should be leaving, right now, while he still can.
[Steve turns and leaves; the instant he is out Gavner kicks the door shut.]
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[Steve is standing on the roof of his high school, contemplating suicide. Looking down, he slips and stumbles back.]
Mr. Tiny: Careful. The first step is a big one. Oh, I know. You miss- the one known as Darren. You feel betrayed, abandoned- you're a loyal friend. [Pauses] Unlike him.
Steve: Darren was a loyal friend.
Mr. Tiny: Oh, really? What if I told you he's still alive? He's taken your place, stealing your dreams! Oh, I know. You dream of killing people, drinking their blood! You dream of leading a great, bloodthirsty army!
Steve: Who the hell are you?
Mr. Tiny: I'm Mr. Tiny.
Steve: Are you a vampire?
Mr. Tiny: Oh, I'm not a vampire. I'm not a vampeneze. I'm... an aficionado. I want to see a marvelous war!
Steve: What do you want from me, you freak?
Mr. Tiny: [Visibly annoyed] Oh, I'm not a freak. I despise freaks! Can a freak travel back and forth between life and death? I think not. Can a freak create new life from rotting flesh and souls? Please! Can a freak bring about the Apocalypse, and rule the world? No. Sadly neither can I. [Looks pointedly at Steve] Not without help.
Mr. Tiny: Careful. The first step is a big one. Oh, I know. You miss- the one known as Darren. You feel betrayed, abandoned- you're a loyal friend. [Pauses] Unlike him.
Steve: Darren was a loyal friend.
Mr. Tiny: Oh, really? What if I told you he's still alive? He's taken your place, stealing your dreams! Oh, I know. You dream of killing people, drinking their blood! You dream of leading a great, bloodthirsty army!
Steve: Who the hell are you?
Mr. Tiny: I'm Mr. Tiny.
Steve: Are you a vampire?
Mr. Tiny: Oh, I'm not a vampire. I'm not a vampeneze. I'm... an aficionado. I want to see a marvelous war!
Steve: What do you want from me, you freak?
Mr. Tiny: [Visibly annoyed] Oh, I'm not a freak. I despise freaks! Can a freak travel back and forth between life and death? I think not. Can a freak create new life from rotting flesh and souls? Please! Can a freak bring about the Apocalypse, and rule the world? No. Sadly neither can I. [Looks pointedly at Steve] Not without help.
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Darren: Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Steve: Who cares what you meant to do? What you did was take my place. That was my dream.
Darren: Steve, what are you doin' with him?
Steve': Who? Murlaugh? Come on, man, he's not as bad as he looks. For one thing, he didn't say I had bad blood, like Crepsley. And for another thing, they didn't lie to me. And you know what? They think I'm awesome! They say I have a destiny, or whatever. Look at you. Who wants to be a vampire anyways? Vampires suck. Vampeneze rule!
Murlaugh: [Looking at Mrs. Shan] Juicy!
Steve: First guy I killed, Mr. Kersey. Blood, just gets me goin', you know what I mean?
Darren: I wouldn't know, I haven't been drinking any.
Steve: I know you; always trying to look Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, all the time. I bet you'll resist drinking blood, and resist drinking it, and resist drinking it. And then at the last second, you'll become this total bloodhound! All right, man, here's the deal. See, the fact guy, he still wants you on the team. And despite everything else, you are still my best friend. So I tell you what, I'll make you a deal that might just save your ass. If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go. [Laughs] Wait, my bad, that's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live.
Murlaugh: What? Let the juicy one go?
Steve: Hey. Look, man, it's part of the plan. Talk to Mr. Tiny. [Turns back to Darren] So whaddya say? Oh, you gotta drink her blood, too. [Holds out a switchblade] You can do her in with this.
Steve: Who cares what you meant to do? What you did was take my place. That was my dream.
Darren: Steve, what are you doin' with him?
Steve': Who? Murlaugh? Come on, man, he's not as bad as he looks. For one thing, he didn't say I had bad blood, like Crepsley. And for another thing, they didn't lie to me. And you know what? They think I'm awesome! They say I have a destiny, or whatever. Look at you. Who wants to be a vampire anyways? Vampires suck. Vampeneze rule!
Murlaugh: [Looking at Mrs. Shan] Juicy!
Steve: First guy I killed, Mr. Kersey. Blood, just gets me goin', you know what I mean?
Darren: I wouldn't know, I haven't been drinking any.
Steve: I know you; always trying to look Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, all the time. I bet you'll resist drinking blood, and resist drinking it, and resist drinking it. And then at the last second, you'll become this total bloodhound! All right, man, here's the deal. See, the fact guy, he still wants you on the team. And despite everything else, you are still my best friend. So I tell you what, I'll make you a deal that might just save your ass. If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go. [Laughs] Wait, my bad, that's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live.
Murlaugh: What? Let the juicy one go?
Steve: Hey. Look, man, it's part of the plan. Talk to Mr. Tiny. [Turns back to Darren] So whaddya say? Oh, you gotta drink her blood, too. [Holds out a switchblade] You can do her in with this.
Other characters in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009): Larten Crepsley · Desmond Tiny