Velma Kelly quotes from Chicago (2002)

Velma Kelly

My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, backflips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the Hotel Cicero. The three of us boozin' , having a few laughs. And we ran out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back...open the door...and there's Veronica and Charlie, doing number seventeen: the Spread Eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock; I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead!

Velma Kelly

She stole my garters! First she steals my publicity. Then she steals my lawyer, my trial date. And now she steals my goddamn garter.

Velma Kelly

Look, honey, you want some advice? Well, here it is, direct from me to you. Keep your paws off my underwear, 'kay?

Velma Kelly

My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I made a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.

Velma Kelly

No I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life and all that jazz.

Velma Kelly

She'd say, "What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men."

Velma Kelly

You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.

Velma Kelly

I just can't take it anymore! You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato. (Mama sits up with her hair dyed like Roxie's) Oh, no, Mama, not you too.

Velma Kelly

What's your talent; washing and drying?

Roxie

But he was trying to burgle me!

Harrison

From what I hear, he's been 'burgling' you three times a week for the past month.

Roxie

Yeah, I killed him! And I'd kill him again!

Harrison

Once was enough, dearie. Take her downtown!

Mama

You'll be staying in E Block. Murdereress' Row, we like to call it.

Roxie

Oh... is that nicer?

Roxie

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Mama

You're talking to the wrong people.

Roxie

God, that's beautiful!

Billy

Cut out God; stay where you're better accquainted.

Are you sorry?

Roxie

Are you kidding?

Would you like to give us a word or two?

Kitty

I'll give you three - GO TO HELL! (She kicks him in the groin)

Billy

Well, is she or isn't she?

Doctor

She is.

Billy

I see. And would you swear to that in court?

Doctor

Yes.

Billy

Good. Button your fly.

Amos

Laugh, why would they laugh?

Billy

'Cause they can count. Can you count?

Billy

Objection!

Judge

Sustained.

Harrison

Your Honor, I haven't asked a question yet!

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Velma

And then some.

Billy

I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and,and, and... and illegal search without a warrant!

Roxie

Yeah! And she broke the lock!

Billy

Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Assistant D.A. Harrison to drop all charges against you in exchange for your testimony?

Velma

Why, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.

Roxie

It'll never work.

Velma

Why not?

Roxie

Because I hate you.

Velma

There's only one business where that's no problem at all.

Velma

Me and Roxie would just like to say thank you!

Roxie

Thank you! Believe us, we could never have done it without you!

Velma Kelly

Cicero.

Roxie

I was there the night you were arrested.

Velma

You, and half of Chicago.