William Lichter quotes from Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

William Lichter

Mike Dexter is an asshole. For the past decade, he has made a hobby of my pain. Witness exhibit A: my eighth grade science project - a working rain forest that Mike threw out a third floor window. It rains here no more. Witness exhibit B: an eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film festival; I saw no third dimension. And of course, how can I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night.

William Lichter

OK, we're gonna rendezvous here at 0030 hours, all right?

Wait, William. There's gonna be drinking in there.

William Lichter

Yeah, so?

So what are you gonna do? They're gonna kick you out if you don't drink.

William Lichter

Well, I will be drinking.

But William, you could get drunk.

You could get addicted.

Mike Dexter

You remember the time that you had to make that really stupid speech, and I kinda sorta tripped you, and everybody started laughing at you in school?

William Lichter

OK, yeah. Yeah.

Mike Dexter

I'm sorry.

William Lichter

Oh, man. Don't worry about it.

Mike Dexter

Hey, it's ancient history, right?

William Lichter

It's ancient history.

Mike Dexter

When was that, anyway?

William Lichter

That was this morning at graduation.

Mike Dexter

Oh, yeah.

Lichter? William Lichter? Let's go. Your parents are here to take you home.

William Lichter

Oh... no. Oh... my parents? They're here? They must be so mad at me! Have you seen my father? Does he have a weapon of some kind?

Afraid not. Actually, they're more worried about you than anything else. You know, it's not your fault that... [reads from a clipboard in a very sarcastic tone] Mike Dexter beat you up and forced you to drink alcohol until you passed out.

William Lichter

Wh-what?

That's the statement we got from the Dexter kid. He made you drink, took your chothes off.

William Lichter

He... he said that?

Unless... if you have another unconvincing side of the story you'd like to tell...

William Lichter

No... no, no, no. It's what... yeah. Uh, you know. It's just the funny thing that... he finally came clean, you know? Mike, always picking on me, yeah.