Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh [Describing his first night with Annie]
We didn't ****. She just read poetry to me all night. It was more tiring than ****.
Played by Tim Robbins 
Bull Durham (1988) · 60 quotes
Bull Durham (1988) · 60 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Bull Durham (1988): in 24 of its 60 quotes
Most scenes with: Larry (15), Crash Davis (11), Annie Savoy (6)
A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.
More lines from Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh
5 quotes Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh "Limping jets of love"...Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means, "limping jets of love"?
Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh [Wearing Annie's garter belt under his uniform for the first time]
This underwear feels kinda sexy...that don't make me ****, right? Right.
Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh Why does he want me to throw the heat again, I just threw it. No, don't think, Meat, just give him the gas.
Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh [Gives up a hit in a close game]
Shit, piss, ****!
Scenes with Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh
18 scenes Ebby [After he has challenged Crash to a fight]
I don't hit no man first.
All right, then... [throws him a baseball] ...hit me in the chest with that.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh I'd kill you!
Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a **** boat. [the crowd that has gathered gawks] Come on; right here, right in the chest.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh No way!
C'mon, Meat! Throw it! You know you're not gonna hit me, cause you've already started to think about it, eh? Thinkin' about how embarassing it would be to miss in front of all these people, how somebody might laugh? Come on, 'rook, show us that million-dollar arm. 'Cause I got; oh yeah, I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours.
[LaLoosh throws the ball and misses Crash by several feet, breaking a window]
Ball four.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Who the hell are you, man?!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh [LaLoosh charges at Crash, who drops him with one punch to the face]
Good punch...
I'm Crash Davis; I'm your new catcher, and you just got lesson number one; Don't think. You can only hurt the ball club.
Ebby?! [Ebby and Millie are half dressed in the locker room. Millie ducks behind a locker.] Jesus. Game starts in four minutes! Why ain't you warm?!
Ebby I am warm.
I'm fining you a hundred dollars. Jesus, Ebby, this is your professional debut tonight -- you know how many guys out there'd give blood to be in your shoes an' you're leavin' your fastball in the locker room for some piece of ass!
Skip, It's me! I'm not some quote piece of ass unquote.
Oh, Millie, jeez, sorry -- I didn't recognize ya. Don't take it personal but if I catch you in here again you're banned from the ballpark.
You can't ban me from the ballpark 'cause Daddy donated the scoreboard and if you banned me he might take the scoreboard away.
Whatta we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all year. [to Ebby] Get your ass out there.
Ebby Hey Boss, I got a question.
Ebby You think I need a nickname? I think I need a nickname. The great ones have nicknames -- somethin' like Oil Can or Catfish...[to Millie] What was the one you suggested?
"Pokey"
Ebby Yeah, what do you think of "Pokey"?
Ebby Got time for another quickie?
Jesus, you got a game to pitch!
Ebby But we got three minutes.
These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.
Time out. Why do you get to choose?
What?
Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh [Crash laughs]
So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?
Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!
After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
What do you believe in, then?
Well, I believe in the soul. The ****, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. [pause] Goodnight.
Oh my. Crash...
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Ooh, I've heard of stuff like this.
Yeah? Have you heard of Walt Whitman?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh No. Who's he play for?
Bulls player
Jesus, Ebby! You look like shit!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Nuke! Call me "Nuke"! Annie says it's my new nickname.
You're hooked up with Annie?! That's great, that's great! Every guy I've ever seen hook up with her has had the best year of his career! So, is she, ehhhhhhh, you know... as good as they say?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh What? No, no, man, we didn't ****. No, she kept me up all night reading poetry. It's more tiring than ****.
Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says when she's in the throes of passion. They say the darndest things.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Yeah, you said "Crash"!
Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?
Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic. [starts to walk away]
Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh [to himself]
What's this guy know about pitching? If he's so good how come he's been in the minors for the last ten years? If he's so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?
[turns back]
Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.
Nuke [to himself again]
: What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun. An old man. He don't know nothin' about fun.
[behind the plate again]
: All right. Nobody's goin' out there. [Crash calls for a curve ball.]
Nuke [to himself]
: Why's he calling for a curve ball? I want to bring heat. Shake him off. Throw what you want.
[Crash gives Nuke the sign for the pitch, Nuke shakes his head again. Crash walks to the mound.]
Why are you shaking me off?
Nuke I want to bring the heater. Announce my presence with authority.
Nuke My presence with authority.
[in disgust]
To announce your presence with authority?! This guy's a first ball fastball hitter, looking for the heat.
Nuke So what? He ain't seen my heat.
All right, Meat. Give him your heat. [He walks back to his place behind the plate.]
Nuke Why's he always calling me Meat? I'm the guy driving a Porsche.
[Nuke throws it and the batter hits a home run, hitting the picture of the Durham Bull. The Bull roars and smoke comes from his mouth. The batter stands there, watching.]
What are you doing standing here? I gave you a gift. You stand here showing up my pitcher? Run, dummy.[The batter runs around the bases.]
Give me the ball. [He walks toward the mound.]
[Mechanized bull noises in background, signifying a home run]
Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he? [laughs]
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh [softly, infuriated]
I held it like an egg.
Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the **** bull! Guy gets a free steak! [laughs]
You having fun yet?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Oh, yeah. Havin' a blast.
Good.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh [pause]
God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
He did know.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh How?
I told him.
[after Ebby didn't listen to Crash, and the ball became a home run]
Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh You told him didn't you?
Yup.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh The other day Crash called a woman's pu... pussy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?
Yes, I do.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh You're playing with my mind.
I'm trying to play with your body.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh I knew it, you're trying to seduce me!
Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh God, I think you're real cute.
Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave.
It's time to work on your interviews.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh My interviews? What do I gotta do?
You're gonna have to learn your clich?s. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play it one day at a time."
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Got to play... it's pretty boring.
'Course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh How come you don't like me?
Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh I got a what?
You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.
Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! What you need is a curveball! In the show, everyone can hit heat.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors?
Yeah, I've been in the majors.
Annie [instructing Nuke to pitch to Millie, who is wearing catcher's gear]: Now go ahead, put it in there!
Nuke I don't wanna; I'm gonna hurt the girl!
That "girl" has handled pitchers with much better records than one-and-seven.
Nuke 1-6! Gimme the goddamned ball!
Reporter
[Nuke is being interviewed after his first game with the Bulls]
So, how does it feel to get your first professional win?
Nuke It feels "out there", I mean it's a major rush. [Grabs the reporter's recorder and continues talking into it] I mean, it doesn't just feel "out there", I mean it feels out there, you know? Um, kind of radical in a kind of tubular way, you know? But, most of all, it's out there...
Nuke How come you don't like me?
Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.
Nuke I got a what?
You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.
Nuke I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.
Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt, what you need is a curveball! In the Show, everyone can hit a fastball.
Nuke Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors? Pft!
...Yeah, I've been in the majors. [Players mutter in surprise]
Player
You were in the Show, man?
Yeah, I was in the Show. I was in the Show for twenty-one days once. The twenty-one greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the Show? Somebody else carries your bags; it's great. You hit white balls for batting practice. Ballparks are like cathedrals. The hotels all have room service. The women all have long legs and brains.
Player
They're really hot, huh?
And so are the pitchers. They throw ungodly breaking stuff in the Show. Exploding sliders. [To LaLoosh] You could be one of those guys. Nuke could be one of those guys, but you don't give a ****, Meat.
Nuke Listen I am sick and **** tired of you calling me "Meat". Do you wanna step outside?
Yeah, I'll step outside!
[Nuke and Crash start fighting, Larry runs to the back of the bus to break it up]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Crash! What's up?
Nuke I was- I was just gonna ask Crash to show me how to throw a breaking ball
Good idea. Good idea. Here, here, here, anybody got a ball? Who's got a ball?
[Nuke has a dream where he's pitching in just his jockstrap and Annie's garters. He jerks awake in a panic] [sits next to Nuke]
Hey. Hey, wake up. You're awake. You're okay. You were dreaming. You're okay?
Nuke I was playing damn naked.
What?
Nuke I was naked...playing naked.
I know. I know, I have that dream all the time, too.
Nuke [After Nuke finally pitches a scoreless inning, he and Crash sit next to each other in the dugout]
That was great, huh?
Your fastball's up, your curveball's hanging; in the Show, they would've ripped you.
Nuke Can't you even let me enjoy the moment?
The moment's over.
