Annie Savoy [Opening narration]
I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.
Annie Millie, you've got to stay out of the clubhouse. It'll just get everybody in trouble.
Annie You didn't get "lured". Women never get lured. They're too strong and powerful for that. Now say it -- "I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions".
I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions.
Annie That's better.
Annie [...]
Well let's get down to it, honey -- how was he?
Well, he ****s like he pitches. Sorta all over the place
Annie Savoy These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.
Time out. Why do you get to choose?
Annie Savoy What?
Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Annie Savoy Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.
[Crash laughs]
So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?
Annie Savoy Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!
Annie Savoy [Crash gets up to leave]
Oh, where are you going?
After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
Annie Savoy What do you believe in, then?
Well, I believe in the soul. The ****, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. [pause] Goodnight.
Annie Savoy Oh my. Crash...
Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?
You're playing with my mind.
Annie Savoy I'm trying to play with your body.
I knew it, you're trying to seduce me!
Annie Savoy Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?
God, I think you're real cute.
Annie Savoy Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!
You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave.
I never told him to stay out of your bed.
Annie Savoy You most certainly did.
I never told him to stay out of your bed.
Annie Savoy Yes you did.
I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.
Annie Savoy Oh fine.
You know why? Because they don't - -they don't happen very often.
Annie Savoy Right.
If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you are! And you should know that!
[long pause]
Come on, Annie, think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.
Annie Savoy I want you.
Annie [instructing Nuke to pitch to Millie, who is wearing catcher's gear]: Now go ahead, put it in there!
I don't wanna; I'm gonna hurt the girl!
Annie That "girl" has handled pitchers with much better records than one-and-seven.
1-6! Gimme the goddamned ball!
[After LaLoosh throws a couple of wild pitches to start the game, Annie writes a note]
What's it say?
Annie It says he's not bending his back enough on his follow-through. Donny? Baby, take this to Ebby Calvin. [Donny takes the note] Right, honey, let's get down to it. How was Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?
Well, he ****s like he pitches: Sorta all over the place.
RA Radio announcer
I've never seen Crash so angry, and frankly, sports fans, he used a certain word that's a no-no with umpires.
[Annie turns off the radio]
Crash must've called the guy a "****".
Annie God, he's so romantic.
Annie I think probably with my love of four-legged creatures and hooves and everything, that in another lifetime I was probably Catherine the Great, or Francis of Assisi. I'm not sure which one. What do you think?
How come in former lifetimes, everybody is someone famous?
[Annie and Crash pause, then both laugh] [still laughing]
I mean, how come nobody ever says they were Joe Schmo?
Annie Because it doesn't work that way, you fool!
