Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time.
Claire Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here.
It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways. [John spits a loogie in the air and apparently catches it in his mouth.] You may not talk. [Brian starts to move to a different seat.] You will not move from these seats. [And he sits back down.] And you... [pulls the chair out from under John's feet] ...will not sleep. All right people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay...of no less than a thousand words describing to me who you think you are.
And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender?
Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.
You know, I can answer that right now sir. That'd be "No", no for me. 'Cause--
My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?
Yeah. I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.
Oh, shit! What're we s'posed to do if we hafta take a piss?
Claire Please.
If you gotta go, [unzips fly] you gotta go!
Claire Oh my God!
Hey, you're not urinating in here man!
Don't talk, don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.
You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor!
You're pretty sexy when you get angry...grrr!
You know, Bender, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.
[John looks distraught for a second, but shakes it off.]
Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team.
[Andrew and Claire laugh]
Maybe the prep club too! Student council...
Nah, they wouldn't take you.
Claire You know why guys like you knock everything...
Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire It's 'cause you're afraid.
Oh, God! You richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities!
Claire You're a big coward.
Claire See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.
Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes...now would it?
Claire Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.
Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their **** clubs.
Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club?
Claire That's an academic club.
Claire So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Ah, but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Well, in physics we-we talk about physics, properties of physics.
So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?
[to Bender]
Give me that screw.
You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?
I don't have it. Screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place.
Claire Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?
[Vernon tries to hold the door open by putting a folding chair in front of it.]
The door's way too heavy, sir.
[The door slams shut despite the chair.]
Dammit!
[Vernon comes back in.]
Andrew Clark! Get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go.
[Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon]
Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!
[Vernon and Andrew are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door.]
Okay, now, watch the magazines!
It's out of my hands. [Andrew tries to get back into the Library, but has difficulty getting over the rack.] That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.
All right, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on!
You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.
Let's go. Go, get back into your seat. I expected a little more from a varsity letterman. [to Bender] You're not fooling anybody, Bender. The next screw that falls out is gonna be you.
(mumbling)
Eat my shorts.
You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister!
You just bought one more right there!
Well, I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar!
Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled! We'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through?
I'm doing society a favor!
That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?
You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal!
Claire Cut it out! (mouthing) Stop!
Good! You got one more, right there!
Do you really think I give a shit?
Another. [Vernon and John stare angrily at each other.] You through?
That's seven, including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Now it's eight. [to Brian] You stay out of it!
Excuse me, sir, it's seven.
Shut up, Peewee! You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha!
What can I say? I'm thrilled!
Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. All right, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here, I'm cracking skulls!
Claire What's your name?
Claire Claire.
Claire Claire. It's a family name.
Oh, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire Well, thank you.
Claire I'm not fat!
Well, not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh...
[He mimes becoming fat, making noises. Claire gives him the finger.]
Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl!
Claire I'm not that pristine!
Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be...a white wedding?
Claire Why don't you just shut up?
Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Claire Do you want me to puke?
Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?
All right girls, that's 30 minutes for lunch.
Here? Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.
Well I don't care what you think Andrew.
Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich? Will milk be made available to us?
We're extremely thirsty, sir.
Claire I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
I've seen her dehydrate sir. It's pretty gross.
Uh-Uh-Uh...Grab some wood there bub. What do you think I was born yesterday? You think I'm going to have you roaming these halls? [to Andrew] You. [Andrew motions to Claire, but Vernon points to Allison] And you. Hey! What's her name? Wake her. Wake her up. Hey! Come on, on your feet 'Missy,' let's go! This is no rest home. There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Let's go!
Claire, you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty.
Claire No thank you.
How do you think he rides a bike? Oh, and Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy like this?
Claire Can't you just leave me alone?
I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car. Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun.
Claire You know what I wish I was doing right now...?
Uh-uh, watch what you say; Brian here's a cherry.
Claire I wish I was on a plane...to France...
[quietly, to John only]
I'm not a cherry.
When have you ever gotten laid?
She lives in Canada. I met her at Niagra Falls; you wouldn't know her.
You ever laid anyone around here? [Brian, nervous that Claire might hear, motions for John to quiet down.] Oh...you and Claire did it...
Claire What are you talking about?
Nothing, nothing. [to John] Let's just talk about it later, just drop it--
Claire --No, drop what? What are you talking about?
Well, in addition the number of girls in the Niagra Falls area, that currently you and he are riding the hobby horse.
Claire Little pig!
No, I'm not, I'm--John said I was I cherry, I said I wasn't! That's it! That's all that was said!
Well, then what were you motioning to Claire for?
Claire You know, I don't appreciate this, Brian.
Oh, you weren't motioning to Claire?
[hesitantly]
You know he's lying, right?
Were you, or were you not, motioning to Claire?
Yeah, but it's...it's because I didn't want her to know I was a virgin. [John and Claire stare at him for a moment.] Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry!
Claire Why didn't you to want me to know you were a virgin?
'Cause it's personal business! It's my personal, private business!
Well, Brian, it doesn't look like you have any business.
Claire I think it's OK for a guy to be a virgin.
[John and Brian stare at Claire]
Really?
[Claire nods yes]
I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it either.
Claire You're lying.
I already have. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac.
Claire Lie.
Are your parents aware of this?
The only person I told was my shrink.
And what'd he do when you told him?
Claire Very nice.
I don't think it can be construed as rape since I paid him.
Claire He's an adult!
Claire Ugh, do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Well, the first few times--
Claire The first few times?! You mean, you've done it more than once?! Are you crazy?!
Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
Claire I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire Didn't we already cover this?
You never answered the question.
Claire Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.
It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?
Claire A what?
Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Claire Wrong.
Claire Why don't you just drop it?
You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases!
She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
Claire I don't do anything!
That's why you're a tease.
Claire Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.
I've already told you everything!
Claire No, doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean don't you want any respect?
I don't screw to get respect; that's the difference between you and me.
Claire Not the only difference, I hope.
Claire I'm not a tease!
Sure you are! Sex is a weapon! You said it yourself; you use it to get respect!
Claire No, I never said that. She twisted my words around.
Oh, then what do you use it for?
Claire I don't use it period!
Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
Claire I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!
Well if you'd just answer the question...
Why don't you just answer the question?
Answer the question, Claire!
Come on, answer the question!
It's easy, it's only one question!
Claire No! I never did it!
I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar.
Andrew [referring to his act of taping a classmate's buttocks together]: The bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda...he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...**** humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal...I mean, I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I **** hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family...Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.
I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.
It's like me, you know, with my grades. Like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.
Claire What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?
'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um--and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on. My light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average.
Why'd you think it'd be easy?
Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?
I take shop. You must be a ****in' idiot!
I'm a ****in' idiot because I can't make a lamp?
No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
What do you know about Trigonometry?
I could care less about Trigonometry.
Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering?
Without lamps, there'd be no light.
That was great, Claire. My image of you is totally blown.
You're a shit! Don't do that to her you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!
What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? [to Claire] And you...don't like me anyway.
Claire You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them!
God, you're so pathetic! Don't you ever, ever compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got shit! ****in' Rapunzel, right? School would probably **** shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire.
Claire Shut up.
Are those real diamonds, Claire?
Claire Shut up!
I bet they are. Did you work, for the money, for those earrings?
Claire Shut your mouth!
Or did your daddy buy those?
Claire Shut up!
I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner ****in' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?
So, so on Monday...what happens?
Claire Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?
Claire Do you want the truth?
Claire I don't think so.
With all of us, or just John?
Claire All of us...
That's a real nice attitude, Claire!
Claire Oh, be honest, Andy. If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sportos. I know exactly what you'd do; you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!
'Kay, what if I came up to you?
Claire Same exact thing.
Claire Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!
Claire Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends, so you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor-rich-drunk mother in the Caribbean!
Claire SHUT UP!!!
And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand, and wait for your ****in' prom!
Claire I hate you!
I just wanna tell each of you that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty.
Claire Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.
You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself; why are you like that?
Claire (teary)
I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!
Well then why do you do it?
Claire I don't know, I don't--you don't understand...you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!
I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well **** you! **** you! [Brian breaks down and begins to cry.] Know why I'm here today? Do you?! I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker.
Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
I tried. You pull the ****in' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I...
What's the gun for Brian?
I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me.
Claire Oh, Brian...
****! So I considered my options, you know?
Claire No! Killing yourself is not an option!
Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!
No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker.
Really? [starts to laugh]
[Andrew tries to stop, but he continues laughing and everyone else begins to laugh.] (laughing as well)
Yes it is. ****in' elephant was destroyed!
You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing; I didn't have anything better to do.
[Everyone continues to laugh, now at Allison.] (still laughing from earlier)
You're laughing at me!
Yes, you are!
[Everyone, feeling better, continues to laugh.]
What do you say we close that door? We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds.
Well, you know the door's supposed to stay open.
So why don't you just shut up? There's four other people in here, you know.
God, you can count. See, I knew you had to be smart to be a...a wrestler.
Who the hell are you to judge anybody, anyway?
Claire Really.
You know, Bender, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.
Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. [Claire and Andrew chuckle] Maybe the prep club, too. Student council.
Nah. They wouldn't take you.
Claire You know why guys like you knock everything?
Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire It's 'cause you're afraid.
Oh, God. You richies are so smart; that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities.
Claire You're a big coward.
Claire See, you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.
Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?
Claire Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.
Well, I don't know any lepers, either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their **** clubs.
Uh, let's watch the mouth, huh?
I’m in the Physics Club, too.
Excuse me a sec. [to Brian] What are you babbling about?
Well, what I said was that I'm in a Math Club, uh, the Latin Club, and the Physics Club-Physics Club.
Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the Physics Club?
Claire That's an academic club.
Claire So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Ah, but to dorks like him, they are. [to Brian] What do you guys do in your club?
In physics, well, we, we, uh, we talk about physics. Uh, properties of physics.
So it's sort of social. Demented and sad, but social, right?
I guess you could consider it a social situation.
Claire What's your name?
Claire Claire.
Claire Claire. It's a family name.
No, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire [sarcastically]
Oh, thank you.
Claire I'm not fat.
Well, not at present, but I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin, but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sort of see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... [imitates vomiting, and Claire gives him the "**** you!" middle finger] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.
Claire I'm not that pristine.
Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Let's end the suspense. Is it gonna be a...white weddin'?
Claire Why don't you just shut up?
Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up...over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off, hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Claire Do you want me to puke?
Over the panties...no bra...blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past 11:00 on a school night?
Leave her alone. [walks to Bender] I said, "Leave her alone".
[stands in front of Andrew]
You and how many of your friends?
Just me. Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal. [pins on him]
[gets pinned to the floor]
I don't want to get into this with you, man.
[gets off of John]
Why not?
[stands up]
Because I'd kill you. It's real simple: I'd kill you, and your **** parents would sue me, and it'd be a big mess, and I don't care enough about you to bother.
Chickenshit. [John pulls out his switchblade, and slams it on Allison's table] Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her, [Allison takes John's switchblade] you don't look at her, and you don't even think about her! You understand me?
