Vernon Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time.
Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here.
Vernon It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways. [John spits a loogie in the air and apparently catches it in his mouth.] You may not talk. [Brian starts to move to a different seat.] You will not move from these seats. [And he sits back down.] And you... [pulls the chair out from under John's feet] ...will not sleep. All right people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay...of no less than a thousand words describing to me who you think you are.
Vernon And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender?
Vernon Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.
You know, I can answer that right now sir. That'd be "No", no for me. 'Cause--
Vernon Sit down, Johnson.
Vernon My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?
Yeah. I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
Vernon I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.
Vernon [to Bender]
Give me that screw.
Vernon You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?
I don't have it. Screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place.
Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?
Vernon Watch it, young lady.
[Vernon tries to hold the door open by putting a folding chair in front of it.]
The door's way too heavy, sir.
Vernon [The door slams shut despite the chair.]
Dammit!
Vernon [Vernon comes back in.]
Andrew Clark! Get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go.
[Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon]
Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!
Vernon [Vernon and Andrew are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door.]
Okay, now, watch the magazines!
It's out of my hands. [Andrew tries to get back into the Library, but has difficulty getting over the rack.] That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.
Vernon All right, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on!
You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.
Vernon Let's go. Go, get back into your seat. I expected a little more from a varsity letterman. [to Bender] You're not fooling anybody, Bender. The next screw that falls out is gonna be you.
(mumbling)
Eat my shorts.
Vernon What was that?
Vernon You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister!
Vernon You just bought one more right there!
Well, I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar!
Vernon Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled! We'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through?
Vernon I'm doing society a favor!
Vernon That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?
Vernon You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal!
Cut it out! (mouthing) Stop!
Vernon You through?
Vernon Good! You got one more, right there!
Do you really think I give a shit?
Vernon Another. [Vernon and John stare angrily at each other.] You through?
That's seven, including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Vernon Now it's eight. [to Brian] You stay out of it!
Excuse me, sir, it's seven.
Vernon Shut up, Peewee! You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha!
What can I say? I'm thrilled!
Vernon Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. All right, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here, I'm cracking skulls!
Vernon All right girls, that's 30 minutes for lunch.
Here? Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.
Vernon Well I don't care what you think Andrew.
Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich? Will milk be made available to us?
We're extremely thirsty, sir.
I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
I've seen her dehydrate sir. It's pretty gross.
Vernon Uh-Uh-Uh...Grab some wood there bub. What do you think I was born yesterday? You think I'm going to have you roaming these halls? [to Andrew] You. [Andrew motions to Claire, but Vernon points to Allison] And you. Hey! What's her name? Wake her. Wake her up. Hey! Come on, on your feet 'Missy,' let's go! This is no rest home. There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Let's go!
Vernon Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day.
Vernon Everything's a big joke, huh Bender? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they? What if your home, what if your family--what if your dope was on fire?
Impossible, sir; it's in Johnson's underwear.
Vernon [Andrew laughs.]
You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years! You'll see how goddamn funny he is! What's the matter, John? You gonna cry? Let's go...
[Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder.]
Hey, keep your ****in' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick!
Vernon That's the last time, Bender. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make $31,000 dollars a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you, but someday, man, someday. When you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place, and they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you, man, I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt!
Vernon What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here, I'm a swell guy; you're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy--come on, come on, get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just take one shot, that's all I need, just one swing... [Bender just sits there staring at Vernon. Vernon fakes a punch and Bender flinches.] That's what I though...you're a gutless turd!
Vernon What did you want to be when you were young?
C Carl
When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.
Vernon Carl, don't be a goof. I'm trying to make a serious point here. I've been teaching, for twenty two years, and each year, these kids get more and more arrogant.
C Carl
Aw bullshit, man. Come on Vern, the kids haven't changed, you have! You took a teaching position, 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right? Thought you could have summer vacations off and then you found out it was actually work and that really bummed you out.
Vernon These kids turned on me. They think I'm a big ****in' joke.
C Carl
Come on...listen Vern, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you, huh?
Vernon Hey, Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me?
Vernon You think about this...when you get old, these kids; when I get old, they're gonna be runnin' the country.
Vernon Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night; that when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me.
C Carl
I wouldn't count on it.
