Eve
I made some champagne cocktails, like you requested. Funny, I only thought hookers drank these things.
Adam
I know Mom sure likes them.
Blast from the Past quotes
Adam
Adam Webber
[Adam brings his parents to a place out in the country, to a house that exactly looks like their old house in LA, to help them acclimatize with the outside world. He also introduced Eve to them]
Dad, I don't know how to tell you this and I was gonna wait for a while to do it, but... Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed in our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers.
Calvin Webber
You sure?
Adam
Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired. The Cold War's over.
Calvin
That's what everybody believes?
Adam
Yes, sir. It's true.
Calvin
What, the Politburo one day say "we give up"?
Adam
Yes. That's kind of how it was.
Calvin
Uh-huh. [finally realizes that World War III didn't come to pass] My gosh, those Commies are brilliant! You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor us!" I bet they've even asked the West for aid! Right?
Adam
Um, I think they did.
Troy
[after Eve has Adam committed to the asylum, Eve and Troy police his hotel room - and discovers a huge load of personal effects from the 1960s.]
Eve, look what I found in the suitcase. It's stock certificates. I mean, it's got, like-- [Eve leaves the bedroom] It's got, like, IBM and AT&T and Polaroid and... "Ipana"? I remember this brand. I didn't know they still made this. Oh. Look at this. [shows Eve something] It says "Trademark 1961."
Stockbroker
[Troy calls up a stockbroker]
Purchased in 1958 and '59... ten thousand shares of each? They'd be worth millions. Hell, I don't know. Millions upon millions...
Troy
Upon millions. The stocks, the baseball cards... the clothes... the toothpaste. The guy's on the level. [has Eve faces him] Eve, a man walks into your life, who's the kindest, most polite, most incredibly rich guy you've ever met.
Eve
And I have him committed.
Troy
Yes, you did.
Eve
Well at least I fell for him before I found out he was rich.
Calvin
[Calvin returns to the shelter and reports to his family]
Son, stay out of the adult bookstore.
Adam
How come?
Calvin
Poison gas is in there.
Calvin
[Child Adam is being homeschooled]
These are stock certificates. They denote ownership in a company.
Adam
Those look pretty. May I see them?
Calvin
Sure. They are yours. Your mother and I bought these for you before you were born to give you some money to help you out in your adult years. Unfortunately, they are all worthless now.
Transvestite hooker
[In 1997, Calvin explores the world outside the fallout shelter, anticipating either a world of radioactive waste or a Soviet conquest. Even that attitude has not prepared him for 1997 Los Angeles, as there are drive-by shootings]
Got a light, honey?
Calvin
Were you a victim of the blast?
Transvestite hooker
Honey, I have been a victim of the blast, the clap, you name it. As the song goes, a country boy can survive.
Calvin
Did you say you were a country boy?
Transvestite hooker
Cute little old man, if you want a boy I can be a boy. If you want a girl I can be a girl.
Calvin
[horrified to what he thinks is a mutant]
No thank you, good day. [gets inside adult bookstore; scream heard offscreen] AAAUGH!
Archbishop Melcher
[in 1997, the Mom's Malt Shop has fallen into disrepair]
All of these things, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Heroin Anonymous..
Drunk
There is a Heroin Anonymous?
Melcher
Will you please...shut up?
Drunk
Sorry.
Melcher
All of these things ask you to believe in something greater than yourself. Well, I have turned my eyes skyward a time or two, and I have seen nothing, except an airplane or two, which I cannot afford to get on!
Drunk
[Ground rumbles]
Earthquake!
Melcher
Let it be. [Drunk runs for cover. Floor breaks and Calvin, wearing a radiation suit rises]
Calvin Webber
Welcome! [shines flashlight at Archbishop Melcher, who just hid nearby] Leave my elevator alone.
Adam Webber
[calling Eve but is left to leave a message on her answering machine]
This is Adam. Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. And... I wanted to tell you that I, that, uh... that I--that I wish so many good things for you. I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true. And... and that- and that's all I... And that's all.
Calvin Webber
A duck goes into a pharmacy wanting some lip balm. The druggist asks if that will be cash or credit, and the duck replies "Put it on my bill!"