Kumail Nanjiani
Your driver will be ready as soon as he puts on his pants.
A line from Kumail Nanjiani
I read in an interview with Hugh Grant, he said he doesn't smile because it makes his face look fat. So I didn't smile in pictures for many years.
More lines from Kumail Nanjiani
4 quotes Kumail Nanjiani
Kumail Nanjiani
Apparently, there are good and bad comas. And the kind that they put her in, the medically induced ones, are definitely the good kind of coma. Like you know how there are good and bad carbs? Gremlins, those can be good or bad.
Kumail Nanjiani
Look at me. Look me in the eyes when you **** me! Look at me. PLEASE! (after fast-food worker refuses his order)
Kumail Nanjiani
It’s just really hard to do standup comedy when your girlfriend is in a coma.
Scenes with Kumail Nanjiani
5 scenes
Azmat
Look at these jeans, Kumi. They're from Citizens of Humanity, that's the brand's name. Touch them. They're so soft.
Kumail
I don't want to touch your jeans.
Kumail
How's your sandwich?
Beth
Best **** sandwich I ever had.
Terry
[rhetorically]
Who goes to a math conference to get laid?
Kumail
Math teachers?
Stu
[Kumail pulls up in his car and talks to the Drive-Thru box.]
Welcome to Quick'n Hot. May I take your order, please?
Kumail
Yeah, um... Can I get a burger with four slices of cheese?
Stu
Four burgers. Anything else, sir?
Kumail
No, one burger with four slices of cheese. (silence) One burger with four sli--
Stu
I'm sorry. We can't do that.
Kumail
Just put four slices of cheese on a burger.
Stu
We can’t do that. There's no button--
Kumail
(gets irritated)
Who the **** is this "we", man?! Who the **** is this "we"?! It’s me and you! We're just people! **** listen to me! **** this corporate entity! Put four slices of cheese ON THE **** BURGER!!!
Stu
(silence)
We can't do that.
Kumail
WHAT THE ****, YOU **** IDIOT?! (gets out of the car and runs to the pickup window) Hey! Hey, look at me! Look at me! 'Cause I'm a human being, you're a human being! Look at me! Look me in the eyes when you **** me! Look at me! PLEASE!
Stu
Today's my first day.
Kumail
**** YOU!
Stu
[In a fit of anger, Kumail turns to the nearby garbage can and starts pulling trash out of it. He locks eyes with Stu.]
I'll just ring you up for four burgers.
Kumail
I'm sorry.
Stu
(unemotional)
Do you want any fries or drink with that?
Kumail
I'll take four fries. I'm sorry.
[Kumail starts putting the trash back in the trash can.]
Mary
I know you did not get Montreal and that is only because you did one of the worst sets I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.
CJ
It was nonsense.
Mary
A living disgrace.
CJ
I would call it shit, but I would be worried that I'd be insulting actual shit.
Mary
Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me, I thought a ghost had passed right through me.
Kumail
We don't have to keep going over how bad the set was. I saw their faces and the noises they didn't make.
Mary
I felt one of my eggs die.
Kumail
Doesn't that happen every month?
