Lane Myer quotes from Better Off Dead (1985)

Joanne Greenwald... the girl with the antennae on her face?

She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile.

Uh, my brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and my grandmother, she dropped acid and freaked out and hijaked a schoolbus full of...penguins.

I gotta go, the Christmas tree is on fire. [hangs up the phone.]

Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. Doctor says she'll be okay, but she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile.

Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching The Wide World of Sports. So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?

How was your day?

Beth just dumped me.

That's nice dear.

Monique Junot

He keeps trying to put his testicles all over me!

Testicles?

Monique Junot

You know...octopus.

Ohhhh. Tentacles. N T Big Difference.

Johnny...

Johnny

Four weeks, twenty papers, that's two dollars. Plus tip.

Gee Johnny, I don't have a dime.

Johnny

Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.

Well... it's funny see... my mom, had to leave early to take my brother to school and my dad to work cuz...

Johnny

Two dollars... cash.

See... the problem here is that... my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh... my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of... penguins, so it's kind of a family crisis... so come back later? Great.

Monique Junot

I thought if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other, he'd get bored -- go away. Instead he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me!

Uh, his what?

Monique Junot

Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.

No, tentacles. N-T. Tentacles.

Monique Junot

Tentacles.

There's a big difference.

I have a great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can't.

Monique Junot

"I cannot do it" is your middle name.

Yee Sook Ree

Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in mopishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.

Alright let's go!
[Crashes]

Charles De Mar

Wait, wait a minute... [starts to snort snow off his top hat] Oh. Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! I think I just froze the left half of my brain! Look! I can't move my right arm!

This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!

Charles De Mar

Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.