Most scenes together: Austin Powers & Vanessa Kensington (10), Austin Powers & Alotta Fagina (4), Austin Powers & Number Two (3)
Basil Exposition A lot's happened since you've been frozen. The Cold War's over!
All right! Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition Austin... we won.
Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
Casino Dealer 17.
Casino Dealer You have 17, sir.
I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer 21. Very good, sir.
Casino Dealer 5.
Casino Dealer I suggest you hit, sir.
I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer 20 beats your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
Evacuation com--
Evacuation com--
Evacuation com--
Com--
Com--
Com--
Com--
Com--
Evacuation com--
[Austin continues urination; Basil looks on bewildered]
Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?
No, actually, I'm English.
Oh... sorry.
Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. [the guard starts dipping mechanism] Close the tank!
Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.
No-no-no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
I have a gun in my room. You give me 5 seconds, I'll get it. I'll come back down here, BOOM! I'll blow their brains out!
Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
It's no hassle-
Shh!
But-
Shh!
I'm-
Shh!
All I'm say-
Shh!
They're gonna get a-
Shh!
I'm-
Shh!
I'm just-
Shh!
Would-
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Shh!
But-
Let me tell you a little story about a man named Shh! Shh! Even before you start, that was a pre-emptive "Shh!" Just know that I have a whole bag of "Shh!" with your name on it.
Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
Gentlemen welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa complications arose in the unfreezing process.
Mustafa My design was perfect.
Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth! [Mr. Bigglesworth is completely bald]
Mustafa But Dr. Evil we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process-
Silence! [Presses a button and Mustafa's chair tilts back dropping him into a pit of fire] Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. [Mustafa can be heard moaning from an air vent] Gentlemen, lets get down to business. [Mustafa's moans continue] We've got a lot of work to do.
Mustafa Someone help me. I'm still alive only I'm very badly burned.
Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
Mustafa Hello out there. Anyone. Can someone call an ambulance, I'm in quite a lot of pain.
Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet [Mustafa starts again] - excuse me. [Dr. Evil picks up a phone and talks to a henchmen on the other line] Yes, he's down there.
Henchman Is he dead yet?
No, not dead. Burnt, badly.
Henchman Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?
Yes.
Henchman Kill him?
Right. [hangs up the phone]
Mustafa If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here I could get out. See I designed this device myself [a hatch is heard opening] - Oh, hi, good. I'm glad you found me, listen I'm very badly burned, so if you could just- [a gunshot fires] You shot me!
Okay, moving on-
Mustafa You shot me right in the arm! Why would you- [another gunshot fires, all is silent for a moment, then the hatch is heard closing]
Right.
Gentlemen, I have a plan [Dr. Evil gives Mr. Bigglesworth to Random Task. Random Task accidentally grabs Dr. Evils arm as well, rolling him off screen. Dr. Evil rolls himself back on screen] ...it's called blackmail. As you know the Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce.
Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Right, okay people you have to tell me these things, all right. I've been frozen for 30 years okay. Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss, need the info.
Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks have laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks. When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some, but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape.
You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have?
Sea bass.
Right.
They are mutated sea bass.
Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Absolutely.
That's a start.
Ok, no problem. here's my second plan. Back in the 60s, I developed a weather changing machine, which was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a (uses air quotes) LASER. Using these LASERs, we punch a hole in the protective hole around the world, which we call the (further air qoutes) Ozone Layer. Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless the world pays us a hefty ranson... (puts pinky to mouth smugly)
Shit. (beat of silence) Oh hell, let's just do what we always do, hi-jack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good.
Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
What, are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
No Scott, I have a better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Why don't you kill him now? I mean, come on, we can shoot 'em together it'll be fun. Bang!
One more word out of you and you are grounded Mr., and I am not joking!
Scotty, Don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?
Blow me...
What did you say?
Show me.
You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for.? Honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Sea bass.
They are mutated sea bass.
Really? Are they ill tempered?
Absolutely.
Oh well, that's a start.
You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.
Au contraire, baby. I think that you can't resist me.
Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Oh sure.
Well, after a couple of years we got a little impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.
My son?
Ja. SCOTT!
Hi.
I'm your father. Dr Evil.
I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? I hate you. [Dr. Evil approaches Scott] What?
Can I have a hug?
No.
Give me a hug.
No way.
Come here.
I'm not coming over there.
Let's go.
Forget it.
Pronto.
What are you doing?
I'm with it. I'm hip. Tak-a-tak-a-tak-a-tak-a [Dr. Evil dances the Macarena] Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein, give your father a hug.
Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
