Nick quotes from Are We There Yet? (2005)

Nick

Aw, damn! Boy, didn't you hear what I just said?!

Lindsey

Ooh, you swore!

Nick

You're damn right I swore! That's about $400 damage worth to my new car!

Lindsey

That's twice. Now you have to put $2 in the Swear Jar.

Nick

Yeah, well, he's got to put about $400 in my pocket. You got $400 for me?!

Kevin

No!

Nick

And I want it cash!
[Kevin starts crying]

Kevin

I have to pee.

Nick

What?! No, no, no, you do not have to pee! Didn't you just go back at the train station?

Kevin

I tried to go, but there was a man standing next to me, so it just went away.

Nick

But look, man, all this open road. You can hold it, I know you can. Just cross your legs.

Lindsey

You should've asked him to go before we left.

Nick

I did!

Lindsey

No, you asked before we got on the train, not before we left the station. You're supposed to ask before every segment. Everyone knows that.

Nick

Evidently not.

Hey, mister, you got any Yu-Gi-Oh?

Nick

What you think?

Got any Dragon Ball GT?

Nick

Look, you come in here every day, askin' the same questions. We ain't got no Pokémon, no Digimon, no Buffy, no SpongeBob, no Beanie Babies, [spots a kid about to steal a trading card, so Nick throws a football at him] and no shoplifters! Now, get! Both of y'all! Get!

Lindsey

I knew you were lying. "Yeah, we're just friends." Yeah, right. You're just usin' us to suck up to our Mama.

Nick

What?!

Kevin

Yeah, you're just a dirty, horny sex-man like all the others. Nasty man, you're a nasty, bad man!

Nick

Look, I tried to do your Mama a favor, you little booger!

Kevin

You probably wanna kiss her, don't 'cha? [he makes a face on the window]

Nick

Hey, off the glass! Off the glass! [to Lindsey] And you, open this door.

Lindsey

You forgot the magic word.

Nick

Open this damn door!

Kevin

Ooh, you just swore again! Lindsey, he just swore again!

Nick

So what? Hey, I'm not playin' with you.

Lindsey

You can't make us do anything.

Nick

Hey! This is my car! You hear me, little girl?! This is my car!

Nick

Uh uh! You better not! Look at me, I'm serious! I'm not playin' with you, little girl, okay? Now, if you don't open that door before I count to three, somebody gonna get it.

Nick

Quiet down, there. Have patience.

Turn if off, Nick! Hurry! Hurry!

Nick

All right, calm down.

Kevin

I'm not gonna make it. Do you have a bottle?

Nick

No!

Kevin

How 'bout this ashtray?

Nick

Kevin, there's no receptacle in this vehicle. Now, look, the exit's about a mile away, and you can hold it.

Kevin

How far is a mile?

Nick

I don't know, 5,000 and some kinda feet. Think about something else; football, a math test, uh, puberty.

Kevin

Are we there yet?

Nick

No!

Lindsey

I'm sure the carpet's absorbent.

Kevin

Here it comes!

For God sakes, man, he's gonna make his water in your car!

Nick

No, he ain't. [speeds into truck stop] Incoming, incoming, incoming! Aaaah! Hold it, man.

Nick

Oh, man! I never ever got to read the manual! [sees the car engulfing in flames; but the flames grow a little more violently] Hit the dirt!

Nick

No! This is about a year's pay. What did I do... What did I do to deserve this!? Why is this happening to me?! [behind him, Kevin and Lindsey look at each other in worry and regret; Nick looks behind him, to Kevin and Lindsey] It was you two! If I didn't volunteer to babysit you two little demons on this road trip, this kind of thing would never happen, and I'd still have my car! [Kevin and Lindsey start crying] Go ahead and cry, I don't care.

Nick

Here we go, here we go!

Ew!!

Nick

In here, in here, hold it, hold it.

This is taken!

Nick

I'm sorry!

Nick

Man! What did...? [exits the car with Kevin and Lindsey]

Lindsey

Ooh!

Kevin

Sorry, Nick.

Nick

Aw, damn! Boy, didn't you hear what I just said?

Lindsey

Ooh, you swore.

Nick

You're damn right I swore! That's about $400 damage worth to my new car!

Lindsey

That's twice. Now you have to put $2 in the Swear Jar.

Nick

Yeah, well, he's got to put about $400 in my pocket. [to Kevin] You got $400 for me? HUH?

Kevin

No.

Nick

And I want it cash!

Nick

Okay, man. No tears, alright? I don't wanna have to change no diapers around here.

Lindsey

Real good. Have you ever thought of being a youth pastor or a therapist?

Nick

Look, it ain't like I said I was gonna take off my belt.

Nick

Look, man. All I need is four rims and four tires, and I'm gone, I'm outta here. Can you help me?

No, I cannot do it. I told you already, your SUV is too big. You no listen.

Nick

Well, use smaller ones.

Smaller? Okay, I put on the smaller tire for you.

Nick

Good.

And you come back Tuesday.

Nick

What?!

Today is New Year's Eve. Time for me to go home. Thank you, bye-bye.

I have to go home. It's New Year's Eve, Dick Clark.

Nick

Look, let me just pay you extra.

No, no, no, no, and NO!

Nick

I can make it worth your while. See what I got. [pulls out a card] Yao Ming, rookie card.

Oh, I see. So you think that just because I am Chinese, you can get me to do anything... [Nick shines the rookie card] Ooh! Hologram.

Nick

Oh, man! I never even got to read the manual. [he, Kevin and Lindsey watch the car engulfing in flames; but the flames grow a little more violently and he suddenly notices the car is about to explode] HIT THE DIRT!

Nick

Why?! [walks to the destroyed car]. Oh, no. This is about a year's pay. What did I do?! What did I do?! Why is this happening to me?! [behind him, Kevin and Lindsey look at each other in worry and regret; Nick looks behind him, then he angrily points to Kevin and Lindsey] It was you two! [Kevin gasps as they back away with Nick still pointing to them] If I didn't volunteer to babysit you two little demons, this wouldn't have never happened, and I'd still have my car! [Kevin and Lindsey start crying] Go ahead and cry, I don't care. [at last, Nick becomes ashamed and sighs calmly] Okay, all right. Stop the waterworks. Oh, all right. Oh, come on, come on. [Hugs Kevin and Lindsey] Stop crying. Stop crying. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. No, no. I just got a little upset, okay? That's why you buy insurance. All right, let's sit down. Sit down. [Nick, Kevin and Lindsey sit Down] Come on, now. Right here, right here. It's only a car, okay?

Kevin

We are a lot of trouble. That's why our daddy doesn't wanna be with us.

Nick

Look at me. [Kevin looks at Nick] Don't say that. That's not true.

Lindsey

But we destroyed your Navigator.

Nick

That? Oh, that's nothing. That's just a material object. It means nothing. I wouldn't wanna spend New Year's with us either.