Car Mechanic I have to go home. It's New Year's Eve, Dick Clark.
Look, let me just pay you extra.
Car Mechanic No, no, no, no, and NO!
I can make it worth your while. See what I got. [pulls out a card] Yao Ming, rookie card.
Car Mechanic Oh, I see. So you think that just because I am Chinese, you can get me to do anything... [Nick shines the rookie card] Ooh! Hologram.
Look, man. All I need is four rims and four tires, and I'm gone, I'm outta here. Can you help me?
Car Mechanic No, I cannot do it. I told you already, your SUV is too big. You no listen.
Well, use smaller ones.
Car Mechanic Smaller? Okay, I put on the smaller tire for you.
Good.
Car Mechanic And you come back Tuesday.
What?!
Car Mechanic Today is New Year's Eve. Time for me to go home. Thank you, bye-bye.
Oh, man! I never even got to read the manual. [he, Kevin and Lindsey watch the car engulfing in flames; but the flames grow a little more violently and he suddenly notices the car is about to explode] HIT THE DIRT!
Why?! [walks to the destroyed car]. Oh, no. This is about a year's pay. What did I do?! What did I do?! Why is this happening to me?! [behind him, Kevin and Lindsey look at each other in worry and regret; Nick looks behind him, then he angrily points to Kevin and Lindsey] It was you two! [Kevin gasps as they back away with Nick still pointing to them] If I didn't volunteer to babysit you two little demons, this wouldn't have never happened, and I'd still have my car! [Kevin and Lindsey start crying] Go ahead and cry, I don't care. [at last, Nick becomes ashamed and sighs calmly] Okay, all right. Stop the waterworks. Oh, all right. Oh, come on, come on. [Hugs Kevin and Lindsey] Stop crying. Stop crying. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. No, no. I just got a little upset, okay? That's why you buy insurance. All right, let's sit down. Sit down. [Nick, Kevin and Lindsey sit Down] Come on, now. Right here, right here. It's only a car, okay?
We are a lot of trouble. That's why our daddy doesn't wanna be with us.
Look at me. [Kevin looks at Nick] Don't say that. That's not true.
But we destroyed your Navigator.
That? Oh, that's nothing. That's just a material object. It means nothing. I wouldn't wanna spend New Year's with us either.
Man! What did...? [exits the car with Kevin and Lindsey]
Sorry, Nick.
Aw, damn! Boy, didn't you hear what I just said?
Ooh, you swore.
You're damn right I swore! That's about $400 damage worth to my new car!
That's twice. Now you have to put $2 in the Swear Jar.
Yeah, well, he's got to put about $400 in my pocket. [to Kevin] You got $400 for me? HUH?
And I want it cash!
Okay, man. No tears, alright? I don't wanna have to change no diapers around here.
Real good. Have you ever thought of being a youth pastor or a therapist?
Look, it ain't like I said I was gonna take off my belt.
I have to pee.
What?! No, no, no, you do not have to pee! Didn't you just go back at the train station?
I tried to go, but there was a man standing next to me, so it just went away.
But look, man, all this open road. You can hold it, I know you can. Just cross your legs.
I did!
No, you asked before we got on the train, not before we left the station. You're supposed to ask before every segment. Everyone knows that.
Evidently not.
I'm not gonna make it. Do you have a bottle?
No!
How 'bout this ashtray?
Kevin, there's no receptacle in this vehicle. Now, look, the exit's about a mile away, and you can hold it.
How far is a mile?
I don't know, 5,000 and some kinda feet. Think about something else; football, a math test, uh, puberty.
Are we there yet?
No!
I'm sure the carpet's absorbent.
Here it comes!
Satchel For God sakes, man, he's gonna make his water in your car!
No, he ain't. [speeds into truck stop] Incoming, incoming, incoming! Aaaah! Hold it, man.
Hey, mister, you got any Yu-Gi-Oh?
What you think?
Got any Dragon Ball GT?
Look, you come in here every day, askin' the same questions. We ain't got no Pokémon, no Digimon, no Buffy, no SpongeBob, no Beanie Babies, [spots a kid about to steal a trading card, so Nick throws a football at him] and no shoplifters! Now, get! Both of y'all! Get!
I knew you were lying. "Yeah, we're just friends." Yeah, right. You're just usin' us to suck up to our Mama.
What?!
Yeah, you're just a dirty, horny sex-man like all the others. Nasty man, you're a nasty, bad man!
Look, I tried to do your Mama a favor, you little booger!
You probably wanna kiss her, don't 'cha? [he makes a face on the window]
Hey, off the glass! Off the glass! [to Lindsey] And you, open this door.
You forgot the magic word.
Open this damn door!
Ooh, you just swore again! Lindsey, he just swore again!
So what? Hey, I'm not playin' with you.
You can't make us do anything.
Hey! This is my car! You hear me, little girl?! This is my car!
Uh uh! You better not! Look at me, I'm serious! I'm not playin' with you, little girl, okay? Now, if you don't open that door before I count to three, somebody gonna get it.
What was Mom thinking?
I don't know, I like him. He's kinda funny.
Hey, don't get soft! This guy is not our daddy. He's the enemy.
Here we go, here we go!
Ew!!
This is taken!
I'm sorry!
Oh, man! I never ever got to read the manual! [sees the car engulfing in flames; but the flames grow a little more violently] Hit the dirt!
No! This is about a year's pay. What did I do... What did I do to deserve this!? Why is this happening to me?! [behind him, Kevin and Lindsey look at each other in worry and regret; Nick looks behind him, to Kevin and Lindsey] It was you two! If I didn't volunteer to babysit you two little demons on this road trip, this kind of thing would never happen, and I'd still have my car! [Kevin and Lindsey start crying] Go ahead and cry, I don't care.
Quiet down, there. Have patience.
Turn if off, Nick! Hurry! Hurry!
All right, calm down.
Aw, damn! Boy, didn't you hear what I just said?!
You're damn right I swore! That's about $400 damage worth to my new car!
That's twice. Now you have to put $2 in the Swear Jar.
No!
And I want it cash!
[Kevin starts crying]
