Bud
[playing cards]
I love you, Miss Kubelik...Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
Fran
[smiling]
Shut up and deal!
The Apartment quotes
Page 1 of 2 Fran
Bud
[to himself, practicing what he will say to Sheldrake]
I've got good news for you. All your troubles are over. I'm gonna take Miss Kubelik off your hands. The plain fact is, I-I love her. I haven't told her yet, I thought you should be the first to know. After all, you don't really want her, and I do, and although it may sound presumptuous, she needs somebody like me. So I think it would be the best thing all around - solution-wise.
Sheldrake
[in Sheldrake's office]
I've got good news for you, Baxter. All your troubles are over...I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik. Well, stop worrying. I'm going to take her off your hands.
Bud
The mirror... It's broken.
Fran
Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.
Bud
Well, as a matter of fact, I was rather hurt that night you stood me up.
Fran
I don't blame you, it was unforgivable.
Bud
I forgive you.
Fran
Well, you shouldn't.
Bud
You couldn't help yourself. I mean, when you're having a drink with one man, you can't suddenly walk out on him because you're having another date with another man. You did the only decent thing.
Fran
I wouldn't be too sure. Just because I wear a uniform, that doesn't make me a Girl Scout.
Bud
Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned, you're tops, I mean, decency-wise, and otherwise-wise.
Bud
What about Mr. Sheldrake?
Fran
We'll send him a fruit cake every Christmas.
Bud
You're not gonna bring anybody to my apartment.
Sheldrake
I'm not just bringing anybody. I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.
Bud
Especially not Miss Kubelik.
Sheldrake
How's that again?
Bud
No key.
Sheldrake
Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man. You realize what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself. Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the 27th floor, but it only takes 30 seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?
Bud
I dig.
Sheldrake
So what's it going to be? [Bud reaches into his pocket for a key and drops it on the desk] Now you're being bright.
Bud
Thank you, sir.
Sheldrake
Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.
Bud
No, I didn't.
Sheldrake
But this is the key to the executive washroom.
Bud
That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I won't be needing it, because I'm all washed up around here.
Sheldrake
What's gotten into you, Baxter?
Bud
Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a mensch. You know what that means? A human being.
Sheldrake
Now hold on, Baxter.
Bud
Save it. The old payola won't work anymore. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.
Fran
For a while there, you try kidding yourself that you're going with an unmarried man. Then one day he keeps looking at his watch, and asks you if there's any lipstick showing, then rushes off to catch the seven-fourteen to White Plains. So you fix yourself a cup of instant coffee and you sit there by yourself, and you think and it all begins to look so ugly.
Sheldrake
How do you think I felt, riding home on that seven-fourteen train?
Fran
Why do you keep calling me, Jeff? What do you want from me?
Sheldrake
I want you back, Fran.
Fran
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake, I'm full up. You'll have to take the next elevator.
Fran
I never catch colds.
Bud
Really. I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
Fran
That makes me feel just terrible.
Bud
Why?
Fran
Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
Bud
[sheepishly]
Yeah... it's me.
Fran
Shall I light the candles?
Bud
It's a must! Gracious-living-wise.
Fran
Would you mind opening the window?
Bud
Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.
Fran
I just want some fresh air.
Bud
It's only one story down. The best you can do is break a leg.
Fran
So they'll shoot me - like a horse.
Bud
Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.
Fran
Who'd care?
Bud
I would.
Fran
Why can't I ever fall in love with somebody nice like you?
Bud
Yeah, well, that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.
Sheldrake
Baxter, an insurance company is founded on public trust. Any employee who conducts himself in a manner unbecoming...How many charter members are there in this little club of yours?
Bud
Just those four - out of a total of 31,259 - so actually, we can be very proud of our personnel - percentage-wise.
Sheldrake
That's not the point. Four rotten apples in a barrel - no matter how large the barrel - you realize that if this ever leaked out...
Bud
Oh, it won't. Believe me. And it's not going to happen again. From now on, nobody is going to use my apartment.
...
Sheldrake
Now remember, Baxter - this is going to be our little secret.
Bud
Yes, of course.
Sheldrake
You know how people talk.
Bud
Oh, you don't have to worry.
Sheldrake
Not that I have anything to hide.
Bud
Oh, no sir. Certainly not. Anyway, it's none of my business - four apples, five apples - what's the difference - percentage-wise?
Sheldrake
Do you remember what we talked about?...I mean about my getting a divorce.
Fran
We didn't talk about it, Jeff, you did.
Sheldrake
You didn't really believe me, did you?
Fran
They got it on a long-playing record now. Music to String Her Along By. My wife doesn't understand me. We haven't gotten along for years. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sheldrake
That's enough, Fran.
Fran
Just trust me, baby. We'll work it out somehow.
Sheldrake
You're not being funny.
Fran
I wasn't trying.
Sheldrake
Fran, if you'll just listen to me for a minute.
Fran
All right, I'm sorry.
Sheldrake
I saw my lawyer this morning. I wanted his advice about the best way to handle it.
Fran
Handle what?
Sheldrake
What do you think?
Fran
Let's get something straight, Jeff. I never asked you to leave your wife.
Sheldrake
Of course not. You had nothing to do with it.
Fran
Are you sure that's what you want?
Sheldrake
I'm sure. If you'll just tell me that you still love me.
Fran
You know I do.
Sheldrake
I didn't plan it this way, Fran. Actually, it's all Baxter's fault.
Fran
Baxter?
Sheldrake
He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.
Fran
He wouldn't.
Sheldrake
Just walked out on me - quit - threw that big fat job right in my face.
Fran
[a faint smile]
The nerve.
Sheldrake
That little punk - after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?
Fran I don't know... I guess that's the way it crumbles... cookie-wise.
Sheldrake
What are you talking about?
Fran
I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell.
Sheldrake
Tell me, Baxter -- just what is it that makes you so popular?
Bud
I don't know.
Sheldrake
Think.
Bud
Would you mind repeating the question?
Sheldrake
Look, Baxter, I'm not stupid. I know everything that goes on in this building -- in every department -- on every floor -- every day of the year.
Bud
You do?
...
Sheldrake
What kind of joint are you running?
Bud
Sir?
Sheldrake
There's a certain key floating around the office -- from Kirkeby to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to Dobisch -- it's the key to a certain apartment -- and you know who that apartment belongs to?
Bud
Who?
Sheldrake
Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C. C. Baxter.
Sheldrake
You know, you see a girl a couple of times a week, just for laughs, and right away, they think you're gonna divorce your wife. Now I ask you - is that fair?
Bud
No, sir, it's very unfair, especially to your wife.