Fran Kubelik quotes from The Apartment (1960)

Fran Kubelik

Why do people have to love people anyway?

Fran Kubelik

Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it.

Fran Kubelik

I wonder how long it takes to get someone you're stuck on out of your system. They should invent a pump for that.

Fran

I never catch colds.

Really. I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?

Fran

That makes me feel just terrible.

Why?

Fran

Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.

Yeah... it's me.

Fran

For a while there, you try kidding yourself that you're going with an unmarried man. Then one day he keeps looking at his watch, and asks you if there's any lipstick showing, then rushes off to catch the seven-fourteen to White Plains. So you fix yourself a cup of instant coffee and you sit there by yourself, and you think and it all begins to look so ugly.

Sheldrake

How do you think I felt, riding home on that seven-fourteen train?

Fran

Why do you keep calling me, Jeff? What do you want from me?

Sheldrake

I want you back, Fran.

Fran

Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake, I'm full up. You'll have to take the next elevator.

Sheldrake

Do you remember what we talked about?...I mean about my getting a divorce.

Fran

We didn't talk about it, Jeff, you did.

Sheldrake

You didn't really believe me, did you?

Fran

They got it on a long-playing record now. Music to String Her Along By. My wife doesn't understand me. We haven't gotten along for years. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sheldrake

That's enough, Fran.

Fran

Just trust me, baby. We'll work it out somehow.

Sheldrake

You're not being funny.

Fran

I wasn't trying.

Sheldrake

Fran, if you'll just listen to me for a minute.

Fran

All right, I'm sorry.

Sheldrake

I saw my lawyer this morning. I wanted his advice about the best way to handle it.

Fran

Handle what?

Sheldrake

What do you think?

Fran

Let's get something straight, Jeff. I never asked you to leave your wife.

Sheldrake

Of course not. You had nothing to do with it.

Fran

Are you sure that's what you want?

Sheldrake

I'm sure. If you'll just tell me that you still love me.

Fran

You know I do.

Well, as a matter of fact, I was rather hurt that night you stood me up.

Fran

I don't blame you, it was unforgivable.

I forgive you.

Fran

Well, you shouldn't.

You couldn't help yourself. I mean, when you're having a drink with one man, you can't suddenly walk out on him because you're having another date with another man. You did the only decent thing.

Fran

I wouldn't be too sure. Just because I wear a uniform, that doesn't make me a Girl Scout.

Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned, you're tops, I mean, decency-wise, and otherwise-wise.

The mirror... It's broken.

Fran

Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.

Fran

Would you mind opening the window?

Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.

Fran

I just want some fresh air.

It's only one story down. The best you can do is break a leg.

Fran

So they'll shoot me - like a horse.

Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.

Fran

Who'd care?

I would.

Fran

Why can't I ever fall in love with somebody nice like you?

Yeah, well, that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.

Fran

Shall I light the candles?

It's a must! Gracious-living-wise.

Sheldrake

I didn't plan it this way, Fran. Actually, it's all Baxter's fault.

Fran

Baxter?

Sheldrake

He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.

Fran

He wouldn't.

Sheldrake

Just walked out on me - quit - threw that big fat job right in my face.

Fran

The nerve.

Sheldrake

That little punk - after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?
Fran I don't know... I guess that's the way it crumbles... cookie-wise.

Sheldrake

What are you talking about?

Fran

I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell.

What about Mr. Sheldrake?

Fran

We'll send him a fruit cake every Christmas.

I love you, Miss Kubelik...Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.

Fran

Shut up and deal!