Scenes with Sheldrake
8 scenes
Sheldrake Tell me, Baxter -- just what is it that makes you so popular?
Sheldrake Think.
Would you mind repeating the question?
Sheldrake Look, Baxter, I'm not stupid. I know everything that goes on in this building -- in every department -- on every floor -- every day of the year.
Sheldrake What kind of joint are you running?
Sheldrake There's a certain key floating around the office -- from Kirkeby to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to Dobisch -- it's the key to a certain apartment -- and you know who that apartment belongs to?
Sheldrake Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C. C. Baxter.
Sheldrake Baxter, an insurance company is founded on public trust. Any employee who conducts himself in a manner unbecoming...How many charter members are there in this little club of yours?
Just those four - out of a total of 31,259 - so actually, we can be very proud of our personnel - percentage-wise.
Sheldrake That's not the point. Four rotten apples in a barrel - no matter how large the barrel - you realize that if this ever leaked out...
Oh, it won't. Believe me. And it's not going to happen again. From now on, nobody is going to use my apartment.
...
Sheldrake Now remember, Baxter - this is going to be our little secret.
Sheldrake You know how people talk.
Oh, you don't have to worry.
Sheldrake Not that I have anything to hide.
Oh, no sir. Certainly not. Anyway, it's none of my business - four apples, five apples - what's the difference - percentage-wise?
For a while there, you try kidding yourself that you're going with an unmarried man. Then one day he keeps looking at his watch, and asks you if there's any lipstick showing, then rushes off to catch the seven-fourteen to White Plains. So you fix yourself a cup of instant coffee and you sit there by yourself, and you think and it all begins to look so ugly.
Sheldrake How do you think I felt, riding home on that seven-fourteen train?
Why do you keep calling me, Jeff? What do you want from me?
Sheldrake I want you back, Fran.
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake, I'm full up. You'll have to take the next elevator.
Sheldrake Do you remember what we talked about?...I mean about my getting a divorce.
We didn't talk about it, Jeff, you did.
Sheldrake You didn't really believe me, did you?
They got it on a long-playing record now. Music to String Her Along By. My wife doesn't understand me. We haven't gotten along for years. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sheldrake That's enough, Fran.
Just trust me, baby. We'll work it out somehow.
Sheldrake You're not being funny.
Sheldrake Fran, if you'll just listen to me for a minute.
Sheldrake I saw my lawyer this morning. I wanted his advice about the best way to handle it.
Sheldrake What do you think?
Let's get something straight, Jeff. I never asked you to leave your wife.
Sheldrake Of course not. You had nothing to do with it.
Are you sure that's what you want?
Sheldrake I'm sure. If you'll just tell me that you still love me.
Sheldrake You know, you see a girl a couple of times a week, just for laughs, and right away, they think you're gonna divorce your wife. Now I ask you - is that fair?
No, sir, it's very unfair, especially to your wife.
[to himself, practicing what he will say to Sheldrake]
I've got good news for you. All your troubles are over. I'm gonna take Miss Kubelik off your hands. The plain fact is, I-I love her. I haven't told her yet, I thought you should be the first to know. After all, you don't really want her, and I do, and although it may sound presumptuous, she needs somebody like me. So I think it would be the best thing all around - solution-wise.
Sheldrake [in Sheldrake's office]
I've got good news for you, Baxter. All your troubles are over...I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik. Well, stop worrying. I'm going to take her off your hands.
You're not gonna bring anybody to my apartment.
Sheldrake I'm not just bringing anybody. I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.
Especially not Miss Kubelik.
Sheldrake How's that again?
Sheldrake Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man. You realize what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself. Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the 27th floor, but it only takes 30 seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?
Sheldrake So what's it going to be? [Bud reaches into his pocket for a key and drops it on the desk] Now you're being bright.
Sheldrake Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.
Sheldrake But this is the key to the executive washroom.
That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I won't be needing it, because I'm all washed up around here.
Sheldrake What's gotten into you, Baxter?
Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a mensch. You know what that means? A human being.
Sheldrake Now hold on, Baxter.
Save it. The old payola won't work anymore. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.
Sheldrake I didn't plan it this way, Fran. Actually, it's all Baxter's fault.
Sheldrake He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.
Sheldrake Just walked out on me - quit - threw that big fat job right in my face.
[a faint smile]
The nerve.
Sheldrake That little punk - after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?
Fran I don't know... I guess that's the way it crumbles... cookie-wise.
Sheldrake What are you talking about?
I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell.
Other characters in The Apartment
