Meet the Parents

Meet the Parents quotes

43 total quotes (ID: 779)

Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
Jack Byrnes
Pam Byrnes


Jack: Just gotta do one more thing.
Dina: What's that?
Jack: Meet his parents.
Dina: Jack--
Jack: Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful.
Dina: Good night, Jack.
[They turn out their lights.]
Jack: I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker.


Jack: Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids...and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience-- it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain...that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg: Sure, I think so.
Jack: No, the answer is you cannot.

Jack: Oh, geez, I just realized something.
Dina: What?
Jack: Pam's middle name.
Dina: [unconcerned] Martha. [realizing] Oh, no.
Jack and Dina: Pamela Martha Focker.

Jack: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg: Yes, she did.
Jack: Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
Greg: I won't tell.
Jack: I'm just being humorous.
Greg: Huh. That was funny.
Jack: But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call... "the Byrnes family circle of trust." I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me... and round and round we go.
Greg: Okay. Understood.
Jack: Okay, good.

Jack: Put your hands over there. That's it.
Greg: You're sick, you know that?
Jack: Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a male nurse?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a pothead?
Greg: No.
Jack: Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Do you want to marry her?
Greg: I did, until I met you.
Jack: What does that mean?
Greg: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg: Would you lighten up a lot?
Jack: Yeah.
Greg: Yes or no?
Jack: Yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam...live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack: I promise not interfere in your lives all the time.
Greg: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg: Jack, yes or no?
Jack: Ever?
Greg: No!
Jack: Okay, yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack: Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. If you married my daughter, would you support her...in the way that she deserves to be supported?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Greg: Of course.
Jack: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?

Jack: You must've had vegetables fresher than that, growing up on a farm, Greg.
Pam: Dad, uh, Greg grew up in Detroit.
Jack: He told me he grew up on a farm.
Dina: Do they have many farms in Detroit?
Greg: No, Dina, no, not a lot. In fact, Jack, I should clarify this. I didn't actually grow up... on a farm per se. The house we grew up in was originally erected...in the early Dutch farm, colonial style. So that, plus we had a lot of pets--
Jack: Which one did you milk then?
Pam: Dad!
Jack: Honey, he said he pumped milk. What have you ever milked?
Greg: A cat.
Pam: A cat?
Greg: I milked a cat once. You wanna hear a story?
Jack: Sure.
Greg: My sister had a cat, and the cat birthed a litter of kittens. Must've been 8 of them, and there was this one little runt... this little sweet little... little-engine-that-could runt... who wanted to get up there and couldn't really get access to the-- to the-- to the-- to the-- to the teat.
Jack: Teat?
Pam: Dad.
Greg: What have you. I went in and just simply, you know, just-- into a little saucer, then took the saucer and fed it to Geppetto-- that's what I named him.
Dina: I had-- I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Greg: Oh, yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.
Jack: I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?

Kevin: Are you a homeowner, Greg?
Greg: No, no, I rent.
Kevin: Oh.
Jack: So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo?
'Kevin: Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early on some wireless I.P.O.s, and the stuff just skyrocketed from there.
Greg: Wow.
Kevin: What about you, Greg? What line of work are you in?
Greg: I'm in health care.
Kevin: Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about. There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that. How's your portfolio?
Greg: I'd say strong...to quite strong.
Kevin: You gotta strike while the iron's hot. Now's the time.
Jack: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg: That's right. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Well, that's great. That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do.
Greg: Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too. So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader?
Kevin: An investment guy? No. I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush. Yes, that's my day job.

Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

Pam: Greg, sweetie, how you doing?
Greg: Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him. At least back then he was still talking to me. I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close.
Pam: Who, Daddy and me?
Greg: No, Kevin and you.
Pam: Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts? You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown.
Greg': That was a long time ago, Pam.
Pam: Yeah, okay, well, so was this. Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else.
Greg: Physical? Like what? Like you worked out together?
Pam: No, no, it was nothing, nothing. It was a stupid sexual thing.
Greg: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go throw up now.

Pam: I love you Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. [storms out of room]
Jack: [to Dina] So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam!
Dina: Well who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him.

Pam: Jesus, Dad, you ever think of knocking?
Jack: Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?
Larry: I'd say rounding second base.

Pam: So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Greg: Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking. I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage.
Dina: Oh, is that better than a nurse?
Pam: No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R. It's where all the top nurses work.
Greg: Well--
Pam: No, they do.
Jack: Not many men in your profession, though, are there, Greg?
Greg: No, Jack, not traditionally.
Jack: Mm-hmm.

Pam: What's the matter? You can't sleep?
Greg: No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me.
Pam: Oh, no, he didn't.
Greg: Yeah, he did.
Pam: Well, did you lie to him?
Greg: No! I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-
Pam: What'd you tell him?
Greg: I-I-I-- Nothing. Your mother walked in... and I yanked the little thingies off before I had to answer. Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Pam: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
Greg: What?
Pam: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 30 years.
Greg: How could you not tell me this?
Pam: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly...on a need-to-know basis.
Greg: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
Pam: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Greg: Oh, that's great. Yeah. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.

Pam: Whoo! Nice shot, Maverick!
Kevin: Sweet setup, Iceman.
Denny: [sarcastically] Nice one, Nurse.
Larry: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball.
Greg: It's Greg.
Jack: Huddle up, team. Come on. This is unacceptable.
Bob: He's gotta go for the ball.
Jack: Here's what we gotta do.
Bob: Let's go! We're gettin' cold in here.
Larry: We're gettin' creamed. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense.
Greg: Larry, I missed one shot.
Larry: It was a big shot.
Jack: Larry, keep floatin' where you are. You're doin' great. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. If I set you up with the ball, can you jump up and spike it?
Denny: No.
Greg: Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
Jack: I bet you would, Panama Red.

Pam: Wow. Kev.
Jack: Isn't that something?
Pam: That's incredible.
Kevin: Thank you.
Pam: Roses. Deb's favorite.
Kevin: Yes, right.
Pam: It's beautiful.
Jack: The little holes are for candles.
Kevin: Exactly. And then later, they'll collect rainfall. They make a tiny birdbath.
Pam: That's great.
Greg: It's beautiful. What is it?
Kevin: It's an altar. Or you might call it a "ho-puh."
Pam: Isn't that sweet? Wow.
Kevin: I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses', and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife. And later, when they purchase a home, maybe it will grace their garden. Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. [Chuckles]
Pam: Must have taken forever to build.
Kevin: No, not too bad. About 18 hours. Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood.