Clerks quotes

View Quote Female Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Caitilin Bree: I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

View Quote Veronica: I stopped by home and brought you some lunch.
Dante: What is it?
Veronica: Peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off. What do you think it is? It's lasagna.
Dante: Really? Ah, you're the queen!
Veronica: I'm glad you've calmed down a bit. Hi, Randall.
Randal: 37?
Dante: Shut up. Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy but I'll be able to deal.
Randal: Slurp, slurp, slurp
Dante: Why don't you go back to the video store?

View Quote (To Dante about his constant complaining of the events that transpired during the day) Oh, **** you! **** you, pal! There you go, trying to pass the buck; "I'm the source of all your misery." Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to get back together with his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one?! You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself! (mockingly) "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push ****ing buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so ****ing advanced, what are we doing working here?

View Quote Dante: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed **** on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after ****ing a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal: 37.

View Quote [Dante and Randal have just returned from a wake]
Dante: I can't ****in' believe you!
Randal: I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante: You knocked the casket over!
Randal: It was an accident!
Dante: (sarcastically) Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal: It wasn't a big deal!
Dante: Her ****in' body fell out!
Randal: Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Dante: Just go! Just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, open the video store!
Randal: Shut the **** up, junkie!
[Jay comes and farts on Randal and then hides behind Dante.]
Dante: Please, just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, you ****-smokin' clerk!
Dante: [to Jay] And what did I tell you about dealin' in front of the store?!
Jay: I'm not dealin' in front of the store!
[A guy walks up to Jay]
Random Person: You dealin'?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]

View Quote [Randal has spit water at a customer.]
Dante: What the **** did you do that for?!
Randal: Two reasons. One, I hate it when the customers can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante: Oh, Jesus!
Randal: And two, to prove a point, title does not dictate behavior.
Dante: What?!
Randal: If title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water on that guy, but I did. My point is that people dicate their own behavior. Even though I work at a video store, I choose to rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal: I like to think that I am a master of my own destiny.
Dante: Please get the hell outta here!
Randal: You know I'm your hero.

View Quote Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.

View Quote I'm not the type of person who will disrupt things just so I can shit comfortably.

View Quote Yeah. Silent Bob, you're one rude mother****er, you know that? But, you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal. [a horn beeps] Ew, you ****ing ****. I hate guys! I love women! [Willam approaches them] Whatchoo want, Grizzly Adams?

View Quote A woman makes a guy ****; it's standard. A guy makes a woman ****, it's talent.

View Quote [to Veronica] Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot! [a guy standing near the door begins to walk off] Hey! Hey, you! Get back here!

View Quote Randal: You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of 'em.
[flashback]
Customer 1: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Customer 2: So, do you have any new movies in?
[The camera zooms out. Behind her is a sign that says "BRAND NEW MOVIES!".]
Customer 3: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
[flashback ends]
Randal: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
[flashback]
Customer 3: Oooh! Navy Seals!
[flashback ends]
Randal: It's like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

View Quote 37?! I'm 37?!

View Quote Randal: Hockey's hockey. At least we got to play.
Dante: Twelve minutes is hardly a game. Jesus, it's hardly even a warm-up.
Randal: Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink?
Dante: Yeah. Gatorade.
Randal: Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?
Dante: Exactly! They drank it all!

View Quote Dante: Only 12 minutes of a game and then it's over?! ****! ****, ****, ****! I'm not even suppose to be here today!
Sanford: I still get free Gatorade, right?