Clerks

Clerks quotes

52 total quotes (ID: 693)

Dante Hicks
Jay
Other
Randal Graves
Silent Bob


[Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
Caitlin: What are you watching?
Randal: Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
Customer: They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Dante: Well, why guidance counselors?
Customer: Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Randal: Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Randal: Embolism in a pool.
Dante: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Dante: Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Customer: Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Dante: Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
Customer: They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Dante: Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Customer: Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
Dante: I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
Customer: It stings a little.
Dante: A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Customer: Thanks.
[Randal walks in]
Dante: You know that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Dante: I can't believe I'm gonna miss the ****ing game!
Randal: Well, at least we're stuck here together.
Jay: My grandma use to say "What's better? ****in' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I ****ed up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Dante: Meaning?
Jay: I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to ****in' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the **** outta this ****in' jib joint, with this ****in' **** Dante. You ****-smoker.


Mother: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What's it called again?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Child: Happy Scrappy.
Mother: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-****ing Volume 8, I Need Your ****, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My **** and 8 Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black ****s with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave ****, Girls Who Crave ****, Men Alone II: the KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard ****. Yep. Oh, wait a minute, uh, what was that called again?

[After Dante finds out about Veronica and Snowball]
Dante:...You sucked that guy's dick?!
Veronica: .Well, yeah. How do you think I knew--?
Dante: But you said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica: Because I never had sex with him.
Dante: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh my God, why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I did only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante: How many?
Veronica: Dante--
Dante: How many dicks have you sucked?!
Veronica: Let it go!
Dante: How many?!
Veronica: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you ****ed!
Dante: This is different, this is important! How many?!
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante: ...Well?!
Veronica: Something like 36.
Dante: What?! Something like 36?!
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36?! Does that include me?!
Veronica: Ummm, 37.
Dante: I'm 37?!
Veronica: I'm going to class.
[Customer comes up to counter]
Dante: Oh, my God. [To Customer] 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
Customer: In a row?

Randal: The 'Milk Maids'?
Dante: The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date, as if somewhere beyond all the other gallons is a container of milk that won't go bad for at least a decade.

Angry man: Now lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the ****in' store!
Hockey player: Dante, where are ya?
Angry man: He's busy!
Dante: In a second!
Angry man: **** "in a second"! This--oh look at you, you can't even pass!
Dante: Hey, I can pass!
Angry man: How 'bout covering the point? Man, you suck.
Dante: Who are you to make assessments?
Angry man: Hey, I'll assess all I want, pal.
Hockey player: Hey, Dante, you in or out?
Angry man: Don't pass to this guy. He sucks! You suck!
Dante: Oh, like you're any better?
Angry man: Hey, I'll whoop your ass any day, pal!
Dante: Oh, it's easy to for you to say from over here!
Angry man: Gimme your stick, pretty boy. I'll knock your ****in' teeth out and pass all over your ass!
Customer: Hey, you open?
William Black: Yeah, you open?
Dante and Angry man: No!

[Olaf sings "Berserker" to a female, as well as Jay and Silent Bob.]
Olaf: My love for you is like a truck, berserker. Would you like some making ****, berserker.
Jay: That's ****in' funny, man.
Girl: Did he just say, "making ****"?

Video Store Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good…are either one of these any good?
Randal: What?
Video Store Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Video Store Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Video Store Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal: Nope.
[The customer turns around, then holds up the same two movies.]
Video Store Customer: Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Video Store Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Video Store Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate--
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Video Store Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.
Video Store Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And, I hope it feels good.
Video Store Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Video Store Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal: You'll be missed.
Video Store Customer: Screw you!
Randal: Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: (outside) Yeah!
Randal: Screw me?

Randal: What did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante: Empire.
Randal: Blasphemy.
Dante: Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father. Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Dante: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed **** on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after ****ing a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal: 37.

Female Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Caitilin Bree: I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: [offended] I will never come to this place again!
Dante: I'm sorry?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Randal shows the customer a graphic picture from a porn mag.]
Randal: I think you can see her kidneys!
[The customer runs out of the store.]

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Sanford: So?
Dante: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling mother****er?
Dante: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the ****ing store to play hockey!
Randal: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: ****in' A!
Dante: All right! Jesus! You ****ers are pushy!

Dante: You hate people!
Randal: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

[Dante, Randal, and several others are playing hockey on the roof of the store when the ball is hit off.]
Dante: Hey, any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.

Randal: Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times?
Dante: Eight and a half.
Randal: Eight and a half?
Dante: Party at John Kay's, senior year; I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.
Randal: So, that's cheating?
Dante: No. In the middle of it she called me Brad.
Randal: She called you Brad?
Dante: Called me Brad.
Randal: That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl 'Mom'.