Randal: What did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante: Empire.
Randal: Blasphemy.
Dante: Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father. Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: [offended] I will never come to this place again!
Dante: I'm sorry?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Randal shows the customer a graphic picture from a porn mag.]
Randal: I think you can see her kidneys!
[The customer runs out of the store.]

Female Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Caitilin Bree: I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

Angry man: Now lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the fuckin' store!
Hockey player: Dante, where are ya?
Angry man: He's busy!
Dante: In a second!
Angry man: Fuck "in a second"! This--oh look at you, you can't even pass!
Dante: Hey, I can pass!
Angry man: How 'bout covering the point? Man, you suck.
Dante: Who are you to make assessments?
Angry man: Hey, I'll assess all I want, pal.
Hockey player: Hey, Dante, you in or out?
Angry man: Don't pass to this guy. He sucks! You suck!
Dante: Oh, like you're any better?
Angry man: Hey, I'll whoop your ass any day, pal!
Dante: Oh, it's easy to for you to say from over here!
Angry man: Gimme your stick, pretty boy. I'll knock your fuckin' teeth out and pass all over your ass!
Customer: Hey, you open?
William Black: Yeah, you open?
Dante and Angry man: No!

[Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
Caitlin: What are you watching?
Randal: Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
Customer: They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Dante: Well, why guidance counselors?
Customer: Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Randal: Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Randal: Embolism in a pool.
Dante: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Dante: Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Customer: Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Dante: Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
Customer: They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Dante: Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Customer: Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
Dante: I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
Customer: It stings a little.
Dante: A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Customer: Thanks.
[Randal walks in]
Dante: You know that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Dante: I can't believe I'm gonna miss the fucking game!
Randal: Well, at least we're stuck here together.
Jay: My grandma use to say "What's better? Fuckin' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I fucked up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Dante: Meaning?
Jay: I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to fuckin' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the fuck outta this fuckin' jib joint, with this fuckin' faggot Dante. You cock-smoker.

[After Dante finds out about Veronica and Snowball]
Dante:...You sucked that guy's dick?!
Veronica: .Well, yeah. How do you think I knew--?
Dante: But you said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica: Because I never had sex with him.
Dante: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh my God, why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I did only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante: How many?
Veronica: Dante--
Dante: How many dicks have you sucked?!
Veronica: Let it go!
Dante: How many?!
Veronica: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante: This is different, this is important! How many?!
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante: ...Well?!
Veronica: Something like 36.
Dante: What?! Something like 36?!
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36?! Does that include me?!
Veronica: Ummm, 37.
Dante: I'm 37?!
Veronica: I'm going to class.
[Customer comes up to counter]
Dante: Oh, my God. [To Customer] 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
Customer: In a row?

Mother: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What's it called again?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Child: Happy Scrappy.
Mother: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt and 8 Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone II: the KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yep. Oh, wait a minute, uh, what was that called again?

Dante: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal: 37.

Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal: Annoying customer.
Customer: Fuckin' dickhead.

Dante: You hate people!
Randal: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Dante: Only 12 minutes of a game and then it's over?! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm not even suppose to be here today!
Sanford: I still get free Gatorade, right?

Randal: The 'Milk Maids'?
Dante: The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date, as if somewhere beyond all the other gallons is a container of milk that won't go bad for at least a decade.

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Sanford: So?
Dante: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!
Randal: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: Fuckin' A!
Dante: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!

Randal: You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of 'em.
[flashback]
Customer 1: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Customer 2: So, do you have any new movies in?
[The camera zooms out. Behind her is a sign that says "BRAND NEW MOVIES!".]
Customer 3: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
[flashback ends]
Randal: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
[flashback]
Customer 3: Oooh! Navy Seals!
[flashback ends]
Randal: It's like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

Randal: Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times?
Dante: Eight and a half.
Randal: Eight and a half?
Dante: Party at John Kay's, senior year; I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.
Randal: So, that's cheating?
Dante: No. In the middle of it she called me Brad.
Randal: She called you Brad?
Dante: Called me Brad.
Randal: That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl 'Mom'.