What do you think this is? Amateur hour?!

[trying to woo Veronica the first time] Hello. I couldn't help but notice you from across the party, and... I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have... the most breathtaking... hiney. I mean that thing is good. I wanna be friends with it. [...] Do you know who I am? [...] I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. [...] People know me. [...] I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

[talking to Baxter, his dog] Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad, that's amazing.

It truly is beauty and the beast... and a rather handsome beast I might add.

[singing in the bar] Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Phhtt. I make fart noises with my mouth. Phhtt. Phhtt.

[to Veronica] You're a dirty pirate hooker. [...] Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

I am a man! I am an ANCHORman! [...] I'm a man who invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and I am what some people call mentally retarded.

[riding a bear] Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!

I ate a big red candle.

(after drinking coffee) Mmm, I just burnt my tongue.

I love... lamp. I love lamp.

[opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.